What was I thinking...

I had absolutely no idea how hard being pregnant was going to be. I don't really mind the physical stuff. The nausea, frequent urination, constant exhaustion, trouble sleeping and all the other common pregnancy symptoms are a nice reminder to me that Im still pregnant. Its the mental stuff that is making it so difficult.

On Friday, I had no pregnancy symptoms. None on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Its breaking me out. Im not even 9 weeks. These symptoms should be reassuring me for another month or so. Other women would be happy to be done with all that for awhile but I really needed it. I needed those constant reminders that my baby was still in there, alive and growing perfectly.

I don't have an appointment to see the doctor till January 14. Im trying.to just relax and look forward to hearing the baby's heart beat at that appointment. But Im so worried that something is wrong and we won't hear anything.

Im not sure I can handle waiting 4 weeks. I feel like Im on the verge of freaking out. Every little ache or pain or weird feeling has me wondering if its the end.

Im never getting pregnant again. No matter what happens this time, I just can't do it. I can't handle the constant roller coaster of emotions. Aaaah.

Our Little Parasite

This morning's ultrasound was sooooo cool. This is the first time we've gotten far enough along to see a heart beat. We both got teary-eyed looking at it. It was so AMAZING! I can't wait till we can start to hear the heart beat at doctor's appointments.

I still don't have a due date but I hope to soon. The traditional way of calculating due dates puts me at 8 weeks but this weeks ultrasound puts me at 6 weeks 3 days. We'll see what the doctor says.

So, great big world, please meet Little Baby Watts, or as my husband so fondly nicknamed him/her, Our Little Parasite.

He/she is 6mm long and has a heart beat of 122 beats per minute. Yeah! For those of you without a degree in imaging, let me explain: The round ball at the top is actually not the baby's head. It is the yolk sac (yes, just like in chicken eggs). This will feed the baby for a little longer. The baby is actually just the part between the cross hairs. 6mm of miracle and growing bigger every day.

Anxiously Awaiting Monday

*** Posted from my phone. Please excuse spelling and formatting errors. ***

I don't think I've ever been so excited about a Monday before. I know I've never been so excited about an early morning appointment on my day off. Tomorrow better get here soon.

Spotting stopped just about 24 hours ago. Woot! I've been feeling hungry every 2 hours and if I ignore it I get very nauseous. Strong smells, like mtg husbands bbq'd wings, also make me nauseous. Im needing a nap most days and am sleeping fairly well at night. Im completely medication free and only take my vitamins daily. Occasionally I have to take a Pepcid for a belly ache in my "other" stomach but no traditional heart burn.

Thirsty almost all the time and drinking 3or more 24oz cups of water flavored with a little cranberry juice. I also have tea or cocoa at least once a day. This, of course, is causing frequent trips to the ladies room. Other than a few odd looks from coworkers, I don't mind the constant need to pee. Finding myself craving meat quite a bit. LOVE meatballs. Making them homemade with a great meat blend. Eating them a few times a week! Did I mention that I love meatballs!

Not very healthy but craving breakfast sausage last night and this morning. Im going to indulge this craving by having sausage links wrapped in crescent rolls. Yums! But I'll try to watch what I eat later in the day. Craving sweets sometimes but mostly able to curb it with a handful of Mike & Ikes. Really loving the Red Rageous ones!

All in all things seem to be going well this time and I hope that means great news on Monday. Hopefully soon we will also have an official due date!

Thank you to everyone that has been so loving and supportive. It means so very much to us to have each and everyone of you in our lives. I know that someday our baby will love you too!

Nothing is Ever Easy

Spotting for days and now pains too. Awesome. Not!

I knew that this wasn't going to be easy but I didn't quite expect it to be the emotional roller coaster that it is. Today is definitely a down day. I am going to apologize in advance to all of you that enjoy your weekends but I am going to pray that mine zips by so fast that I can't even remember it happened.

I need that ultrasound so bad. I need to know what is going on in there. Not knowing is almost killing me. Although if the news is bad, that will probably kill me for sure.

Trying to remind myself that lots of women go through this all the time and its no big deal. Its just hard to forget that these things normally end badly for me. Its starting to feel like the beginning of the end instead of the beginning of my miracle.

I keep rubbing my belly and telling our baby to settle down for the winter but it doesn't seem to be working.

All of this worry and emotional upset will be worth it when we get to hold our baby next year. All of this worry and emotional upset will be worth it when we get to hold our baby next year. All of this worry and emotional upset will be worth it when we get to hold our baby next year. All of this worry and emotional upset will be worth it when we get to hold our baby next year. All of this worry and emotional upset will be worth it when we get to hold our baby next year.

This is my new mantra.

Update

HCG came back. 11592. Awesome. Ultrasound again on Monday. Yeah.

Mixed Reviews

I thought that today I was going to be able to announce to everyone that I'm pregnant and post an ultrasound picture of our baby. But there is no ultrasound picture to share. I should be 7 weeks 1 day today but the gestational sac only measured 6 weeks. There was a yolk sac but no sign of a baby yet.

I am trying to just keep reminding myself that this is good news. I mean, things are still looking good. All my blood work last week came back good and there is a definite chance that the timing was just off. Its just so hard not to think about what has happened in the past.

Because the dates are off, we don't have a due date yet and I had to have some more blood work done tonight. As long as the test results look as good as they have been, then I'll have another ultrasound next week. Hopefully the next ultrasound will show a growing baby with a strong, fast heartbeat.

Walter thinks this is all great news but I am still just trying to stay more realistic, and not get overly optimistic. I think that this was neither good news or bad. It just means we have to wait a little longer for confirmation of what direction we are headed in.

Lost in Outer Space

I am so excited for Thanksgiving weekend because I get to spend time with my mom, both my sisters, and all the kids. We will have several meals together, play together and at some point, open Christmas presents together. I can't remember when that tradition started but I love it. I am one of the few people that can get just about all their shopping done before Thanksgiving!

I am making a double batch of peanut butter balls and also two loaves of bubble bread. I will be making a toffee trifle and whatever else that I feel the need to bake. I am also making homemade meatballs to take to Walter's Aunt's house tomorrow and sausage gravy and biscuits for a special breakfast on Sunday at my sister's house. Walter is going to make an all meat chili for dinner on Saturday. I'll probably have to make some homemade biscuits to go with that.

Everything just sounds so yummy. I am probably going to gain 15 pounds over the next 4-5 days.

There is so much that I have to be thankful for this year. Quite a few people I know are posting status updates on Facebook each day to say what they are thankful for. Its great to see but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So, instead I am going to end this posting with a list of things I am thankful for.

1. Walter
2. My family.
3. His family.
4. My best friend.
5. A roof over my head.
6. A reliable car
7. Yummy food in my belly, ALL the time.
8. Fairly good health for me
9. An amazing doctor for both Walter and I
10. A great Chiropractor to keep me lined up.
11. A therapist that asks the tough questions but also knows when to just let me vent.
12. Health insurance to help me pay for it all.


I know this list should probably be so much longer. I know there must be more. I'll keep working on it. Maybe in a few day's I'll post some more.

I hope that everyone has a great Thanksgiving and that you are just coming out of a food coma at this time tomorrow.

Passing a Milestone

Halloween was the day that my first baby was due. I know that babies hardly ever come on their due date but I need a day to mark the loss on the calendar. I know that I can't stop celebrating Halloween forever. This year was just too much. I bought the candy and even gave a few pieces out. Thankfully my husband loves to see all the costumes and he spent most of the night sitting by the door.

The weather was completely crap so I didn't get to sit out in my memorial garden. I know I said I was going to no matter the weather but then i realized there was no reason to sit in the cold rain. I can go sit with them any time. I don't have to pick a day to say good bye because they will always be with me. Walter and I spent most of the day staying busy in the apartment. I cleaned some more and he painted that last wall.

This was not how I planned to spend the day but I think it was for the best. I could have spent the entire day in bed crying but it wouldn't change a thing. I'd still have no baby.

With a lot of pressure from my crew of doctors I ended up going to see the specialist in Bangor last week. It was a complete waste of time. No exam. No tests. She looked over all the test results from the tests that Dr Fabulous did and said there was nothing else to do but give it more time. She said I didn't have a fertility problem because I could get pregnant and that there were no more tests to run to see why I miscarry. She said most likely it was a chromosome problem and there is nothing to do about that. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't.

So instead of feeling hopeful that there was something more they could do, I am feeling discouraged that they had nothing to say.

I am spending the weekend shopping with my best friend. More distractions. I think right now that is the best thing for me. Keep busy and distracted and try not to think about it too much. The more I think about it, the more hopeless it seems. So the Head Shrinkers advice is to try not to think about it so much. Don't let it consume my every thought.

Today I got my haircut and bought some new clothes. I bought a few Christmas presents and had a good time with a great friend. I hope to have many more great distractions in my future.

1 Week and Failing

One week till my first expected due date.

One week since I announced that I was going to relax and let nature decide if I was going to be a mother someday.

Fail. Major fail.

For two days after making that announcement I felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my back. Then, it all came back like an avalanche. I feel like I am suffocating.
How did anyone expect me to do this? How does someone just stop trying to achieve their dreams? How do I forget the babies that I lost? How do I look at a calendar and not just know when Im ovulating? How do I stop my brain from thinking about all of it 24-7?

Making a declaration doesn't just make it happen.

Wishing and wanting won't make it so.

I failed. Again.

A Graceful Exit

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”
― Ellen Goodman

I still have some time to change my mind but the more I think about it, the more I am sure that I am making the right choice. I am not going to see a fertility specialist at the end of this month. I am going to cancel my appointment. Walter thinks I should still go. Dr Fabulous thinks I should go. The Head Shrinker thinks I should go. I don't think its a good idea.

Walter and I have talked quite a bit about what we are willing to go through to have a child of our own and I think we've made some really good decisions.

We can't afford this or that. 

Plus, we don't want to do anything that might cause this...

 

I really can't think of a single reason to go see a fertility specialist. They might find nothing wrong with me and we'll just have to keep waiting on a miracle. Or, they might find something wrong that requires a treatment option that we've already ruled out. Either way, there is nothing else I can do but hope that someday things just work out on their own, naturally.

I feel like I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never experience this...

If I can just let go of that dream, maybe I can find something else to make me happy again. Trying this hard for this one thing is stealing all my joy. I know that Walter and I both agree that its not supposed to be this hard. Maybe we just aren't meant to have children. Maybe we are. I don't know. No one knows for sure.

Right now, I just feel like I am waiting on something that is never going to happen...

Tomorrow, I would have been 38 weeks. Just 2 weeks away from my expected due date. I might even be holding my first child in my hands already. Or we might have another 4 weeks to wait if he decided to be late for his own birth day. Instead of getting ready to bring my first child home from the hospital, I am getting ready to let go of a dream I've had my entire life.

How do you do that? Can I just let it go and move forward? Can I make a "graceful exit" to this stage in my life? The only answer I have at this point is, I am going to try. I am going to throw away my thermometer. I am going to stop charting anything except the first day of my period because all smart girls mark that on the calender. I am going to stop trying to figure out how to afford to have a nursery. I am going to stop making decisions for my life based on whether or not I might be pregnant soon.

Tomorrow, I will get out of bed without taking my temperature and marking it on a chart.

Tomorrow, I will begin letting go of an old dream so that I can make room for a new one.

Tomorrow, I will wake up to my husband and see all the wonderful things he brings to my life each and every day.

Tomorrow, I will make the first step toward a "graceful exit."

Tomorrow, I will start trying to live each day for me, my joy and my happiness and not for a future I may never have.

Tomorrow, I will move on with my life...

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
― Joel Osteen

Falling Apart

My husband got the granite bench placed in our memorial garden yesterday. Today, I am spending some much needed time with my babies. As I sit here with them, mourning my losses I can't help but think about what the future might look like.

In a few years, will I be sitting here watching my children play in the grass beneath these 2 trees. Or will I be sitting here alone looking at 3 or 4 trees instead of just 2.

Another month has passed and I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever even get pregnant again. There is so much to think about and so many overwhelming emotions.

The one piece of advice that everyone keeps giving is, let it go.

Letting go is so hard to do. Today, I am going to work on letting go. Right now Im going to sit with the memories of the babies I'll never get to know. When its time to go inside, I'll take a deep breathe, pray that God gives me a chance to be a mother to a living child, and then exhale as much of my pain and anger as I can. Tomorrow, I'll do it all over again. Hopefully, someday, I'll feel less burdened.

4 Weeks and counting down

I know that I shouldn't look at pregnancy websites anymore but I just can't help it. Tomorrow, I should be 36 weeks pregnant. I should be just 1 week away from a full-term baby and most likely less than 4 weeks from holding him. I should have had a baby shower by now. There should be a crib set up in my bedroom. I should be seeing my doctor on a weekly basis. I should be packing my hospital bag. I should be worrying about contractions and fine tuning my birthing plan.

How your baby's growing:

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. He now weighs almost 6 pounds and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. He's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered his body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected his skin during his nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of his first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely he's in a head-down position. But if he isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying he'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating him from the outside of your belly.


Instead I am crying 3-4 times a day. Every time I write the date I feel like I am counting down to the end of my world. I stare out the sliding glass door at my pear trees but am too scared to go out there. I am so afraid that if I go out there, I'll start crying and never be able to stop. I look at pregnant women with envy. I look at pictures of babies with such longing. I look at my husband holding our dog and can't help but imagine him holding our son. I dream of being pregnant. I dream of rocking babies. I dream of having what so many other women get to have.

I want to believe that I'll have a baby someday but I am fast realizing that it is a real possibility that I won't. Some people have said that we still have plenty of time. Others  have mentioned fertility clinics, treatments and procedures.

I don't want to wait.  I don't want more appointments, treatments and procedures. I don't want to look in the mirror every day and be reminded of my failures as a woman. I just want to have a baby like a normal woman.

Dr Feel Good

No. I haven't changed Dr Fabulous's alias. I have met a new Doctor and he makes me feel good. He's a chiropractor and making the appointment was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I've been dealing with these aches and pains and just plain feeling like crap for awhile now and Dr Fabulous couldn't find anything really wrong with me. I figured worse case scenario, I'd be the same. Best case scenario, I'd feel like a million bucks.

I have never been to a chiropractor before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like but didn't really know the whole process. I have heard lots of people talk about having adjustments and figured that it mostly consisted of manipulations of the neck and back. It turns out that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

It took me almost 30 minutes to fill out all the paperwork and questionnaires. Then I was with Dr Feel Good for almost 90 minutes. We talked over my questionnaire. We talked about my medical history. We talked about my aches and pains and the general condition of my body currently. Then, he began to have me go through a series of tests.

Walk across the hall and back. Stand straight. Bend over and touch your toes. Hold your arms up. Keep them up while I push them down. Push them down while I try to hold them up. This went on for almost 30 minutes. Arms, legs, hands feet. Standing, sitting, moving about. He checked my  nerves with this weird roller that tickled and checked my reflexes with the standard "hammer" tool.

Finally he told me I have flexible flat feet and that I walk on the inside but just a little. Other than shoes with  good arch support, there is nothing to be done about this because I am experiencing no pain from this condition.

Also, my right hip, shoulder and ear lobe are lower than the left. Apparently, its not common for it to all be on one side. Usually it goes back and forth across your body. As your body tries to compensate for the differences, you lean different parts of your body in opposite directions to keep your eyes level ...or something like that. Anyway, turns out that one leg is longer than the other but not by much. An adjustment to my right hip and a few places in my neck/back should make things better.

Now, he announces that he is going to make some adjustments and to lie face down on the table. I really have no idea what this means but I figure I'd just go with the flow. I am so glad that I just did what I was told because I'm pretty sure that if I had asked him to explain I probably would have said no and left. After a few minor adjustments to my back, which consisted of him pushing really hard on it when I would exhale, he asked me to roll over onto my side. Still feeling like things were going along pretty well, I did as I was told.

Then this happened to me. I can't describe it so I found a picture instead. Click here to see it.

Now, it wasn't painful. But it was a little weird at first. I wish I had been warned about how close he was going to be. Although, I'm not sure I could have handled it differently. I am pretty sure I blushed and closed my eyes. It was over in a matter of a minute or so and I have to admit that my hips felt immediately better when I walked. I just hadn't been prepared to be twisted into a pretzel and then  laid on top of.  That sounds more like private bedroom talk and than something a doctor would do but it did the trick!!

I went back today for another adjustment and it was pretty much the same thing. Only this time he adjusted both hips with this now "famous(in my eyes)" move and it was still a bit awkward but once again things felt better when I left. Of course, I still got all the standard things I had originally expected, such as the neck twists and the back cracking but this move will probably always have me blushing. What good girl wouldn't blush when a man, not her husband, got this close and personal!

I feel great and although there are still a few aches and minor pains, I know it will just keep getting better. I have 2 appointments to see Dr Feel Good next week and I look forward to it. I hoped it would help but I had no idea just how much! Why didn't someone make me go so a chiropractor sooner?!?

By the way, this by no means, makes me think that Dr Fabulous is any less Fabulous, just in case some of my more avid readers were wondering. It just means that my small group of health care professionals is now plus one. I see Dr Fabulous, Dr Feel Good, The Surgeon, The Head Shrinker, a dentist, an opthamologist and I have a pharmacy that I trust. Sounds like the perfect group to keep me going strong!

Remembering But Not Obsessing

As soon as Walter and Dennis place the granite bench in the half circle at the bottom of the picture, we will be done with the memorial for this year.

 
Next year, we will find a way to mark the trees for each of our babies. We are also going to put a raised bed flower garden between them. That is why the surrounding mulch has a straight edge. We don't normally maintain the grass very well in this part of our back yard but we will be starting next year. Hopefully, the grass will get better looking next summer.


  
Please, everyone cross your fingers and/or prayer that the weather is good on October 31 because I plan on spending a lot of time out there that day. I can't imagine doing anything else on the day that my first child should have been born. I just want to be with them and being out there in our memorial to them is the closest thing I'll get to being with them.

Dr Fabulous & Mr Wonderful

Today was "THE" day!

Today, Dr Fabulous officially became my husbands primary care provider. Actually, I don't like that title. I AM his primary care provider. Dr Fabulous is his primary care doctor.

We were there for over an hour. He got weighed. His blood pressure was checked. They checked his A1C. We talked health problems and medications and lab tests that were needed.

We decided not to make too many changes right away but he has a follow-up in 6 weeks. At that appointment, he'll make an appointment for a full physical because we have no idea when he had one last. Also, between now and then, he'll work on getting his records sent over from his previous doctor because they didn't get them yet.

They talked and laughed and picked on me just enough to make me feel like I was good entertainment. We found out that Dr Fabulous is 2 months younger than Walter. I knew they were close in age but I wasn't sure how close. I am in hopes that this will help Walter relate to Dr Fabulous and hopefully take his advice more seriously.

While watching them interact, I realized just how alike my 2 favorite men are. It was a real eye opener to see them interact. No wonder I like Dr Fabulous so much. He reminds me of the man I married. There are some very distinct differences but enough similarities that it makes me wonder how I never noticed it before.

We did have a serious bit of conversation at the end about some changes that Walter needs to make to be healthier. Dr Fabulous wasn't pushy but he asked some really great questions and allowed Walter to answer them without passing too much judgement. Although, he did point out that it is really up to Walter to make the changes. At this point, the medication is doing the most that it can and he needs to work with it. My hope is that Walter will continue to listen with an open mind and find something that will hope to motivate him to get healthier.

In talking to Walter after the appointment, we decided that there is no reason to see the diabetes doctor at this point. We both feel like Dr Fabulous has enough knowledge in this department to deal with Walter diabetic needs. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to hear Walter say, "I can see why you like him so much." Normally, he gives me a real ribbing about how I refer to him as Dr Fabulous but after today, I think he just might agree with me.

Only time will tell if this change in his primary care doctor will lead to other healthier changes. For now, I am just happy that he has a doctor that cares. Plus, I have a little ammunition to use when he needs a little nudge. When we were leaving the doctor's office, he turned to Dr Fabulous and said, "My goal is to outlive you." Dr Fabulous said, "You've got a 2 month head start already." We all chuckled but part of me hopes that he meant it. Dr Fabulous has a wife and several children and I am sure he plans to do what he can to live a good long time. I can only hope that Walter works hard to live longer.

Tattoo Memorials

I've been thinking about another more personal memorial that I can carry with me every day. I have a great idea for what the tattoo will be but I can't figure out where to place it.

So, here's a picture of the tattoo I'd like to have.

 

Thank you to the woman, who will remain anonymous, in my "secret" trying to conceive after a loss group. Thank you so much for sharing this picture. This is her memorial tattoo and we all love it. I love it so much I want to copy it!


There are a few changes that I will make to the tattoo. I will make one foot pink and one foot blue. Then I will put a date on either side of it. I am debating waiting just in case I need to add more dates to it down the line. Maybe if there ends up being more losses I would want to have something completely different to encompass all of them. ugh. What to do?

Please comment about whether you like the idea and where you think I should put it.  Tell me what you would change and if you would wait or not.

A Pair of Pear Trees

Ready to go. Just waiting on Walter...

We arrived at the nursery in Rockport.
I am glad I brought my umbrella because it looks like it could let loose and rain at any moment.

I could have looked around this place for a lot longer but Walter wanted to get going.

We decided on two Bartlett pear trees.
I wanted this one in particular because it already had a pear on it.

We also purchased 3 blueberry bushes to go in our back yard.
We had purchased hydrangea bushes last year but 2 of the 3 died.

I decided I'd rather have the blueberry bushes rather than try hydrangeas again.

Walter helped himself to the few blueberries on the bush.

Back at home, Walter took the blueberry bushes and pear trees out of the truck.

The lonely pear made it all the way home with us.

Shortly after unloading the tree, my husband plucked the pear off.

He didn't like the looks of it and said it was too hard.

So he pitched it over the roof of the garage.

I kind of wanted to cry because I really wanted that pear but I held it together.

I made Walter pose for this and he wasn't incredibly happy about it.

On the bottom right, you can see the tops of the flowers that I purchased.

These are to refill my hanging baskets. 

The flowers I had in them previously died over a month ago.

Walter's reward for making this trip with me was lobster.

In this bag are two 3-pound lobsters.

Once again, he really didn't want to pose for the photo.

I totally love this face!

The Urge to Purge

This 2ww is turning into a 3ww and that sucks.

For those of you that don't spend your free time on message boards for women trying to get pregnant, the 2ww is more commonly referred to as the "2 week wait." Still not sure what I'm talking about? That's OK. Most of you probably never got a lesson in female reproductive cycles in high school or college. Although it can be used just as successfully as a birth control option as it is in baby creation, schools teach abstinence and not the natural cycle method.

I don't want to get too technical and I certainly don't want to get too graphic so I'll try to stick to the basics. For most women, after an egg is released (ovulation), there is usually 14 days before their period begins. This 2 weeks of waiting is torture for couples trying hard to conceive.

As a woman you are analyzing every weird twinge and odd symptom and trying to prove to yourself that this month you are pregnant. If you have been trying very long or have any fertility  problems at all, then you count these days and track your symptoms carefully. You probably already track your temperatures to confirm ovulation and now your comparing your chart to last months hoping to see something different that might indicate your pregnant.

Starting on day 10, you whip out the pregnancy tests and the insanity begins. Every morning you crawl out of bed and before you are even awake enough to notice if the sun is up, you are peeing on a stick. You set your timer for 3 minutes and then wait. I usually brush my teeth and go back to my bed side table for my glasses. I'm now awake enough to see that the test only has one line. Not pregnant.

This is where the mind starts justifying why the test is wrong. You think to yourself that the test isn't sensitive enough to pick up the hcg this early in the pregnancy. You remind yourself not to get too bummed out cause tomorrow it will be a yes!

6am the next morning you do it all again. 6am the following morning you do it again. You repeat this process every day until you get a positive test or your period starts. Sounds simple enough. Then your body starts playing tricks on you. Instead of getting a yes or starting your period, the waiting continues and so does the testing. Each additional day that you get a negative test, you get more and more frustrated. Before you know it you are on day 17 and your thinking about ordering more tests because you don't know how long this will continue.

You start to hate yourself and your body for not working properly. You begin to wonder what is causing the problem and contemplate how to fix it and all along part of you is still hoping that tomorrow you'll get your positive test. You spend hours on the Internet looking for explanations. You're getting advice from women you've never met but they are going through the same thing as you so it makes you feel like they know what they are talking about.

This morning I'm blogging from the warmth and comfort of my bed. Thank you blogger for creating an app for that. I keep staring at the bathroom door. I'm dreading the idea of taking another test but I know I will because if I don't then I will regret it all day. So, I've been waiting for over 30 minutes to go pee and my bladder is screaming at me but I'm so worried it will be another negative test. I'm not sure I can handle too many more negatives. Mentally and emotionally I'm a total wreck and I know that the smallest thing could push me off the deep end.

OK.OK. I know its just a stupid test. I always did well on tests in school. What is the big deal? I'm going to do it. Right now. Can you do me a favor, please? Set a timer for 3 minutes. Stop reading while you wait the timer to go off. Feel how long the wait is when your anticipation is high. When the timer goes off, join me back here for results!

Did you really do it? Did you wait the 3 minutes with me? Did it seem like a long time? It seemed like it to me. So I know your wondering what the test said. Well, I've always agreed with the sentiment that a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go:

Yup. Just what we all expected. Its another negative. My best guess at this point is that my prolactin levels went back up. I know that the MRI showed no tumor but coming off the prolactin suppressing meds is the only change we've made this month. Next week I'll call the doctor and see if I can get my levels checked. Tumor or not, I might need to stay on those meds. Ugh. They give me such headaches! Well, I am sure its just the beginning of the difficult things I will do for my children. And I am already willing to do anything.

I guess its time to start my day. Today, we are going to pick out pear trees for our memorial garden! Check back tomorrow for pictures of our adventure.

Benjamin

Tomorrow, Walter and I are going to buy pear trees. We never heard back from our landscaper and because I can't wait any longer, we are just going to pick them out ourselves. I'd like to say we'll dig the hole and plant them as well but neither of us is the hole digging kind. I do want to be there when the holes are dug and the trees are planted. To me it seems kind of like a graveside service. I'll probably be standing all alone, watching them get placed in the ground. Im sure I'll cry and I might even fall to my knees and silently beg God to bring my babies back. I have a feeling that I'll stay there looking at my trees longer than I should.
As the expected due date for Benjamin grows near, I cant help but begin to wonder about him.

Would he have looked like his daddy?

Would he be easy going like his daddy?

Would he have been a good eater?

I hope he'd have been a good sleeper!

How much would he have weighed at birth?

According to the What to Expect When You Are Expecting website, I would be 32 weeks and a few days. He'd be 17-19 inches long and weigh 4.5 pounds. In less than 8 weeks, he could have almost doubled in weight and then get born into this world kicking and screaming and showing everyone who the new boss was. I know Walter would have cried when he saw him. I know I would too.

In less than 8 weeks, my dream of being a mother could have come true. Instead, that day will come and there will be no baby Benjamin. There will only by my empty arms, wrapped around myself, trying to keep me from falling apart. I already requested the day off from work. I'm hoping to spend the day underneath my pear trees.

When Sidney's due date comes around at the end of January, the weather might not be great but I own snow pants and a winter jacket. With a thermos of hot cocoa, I'm sure I'll be able to spend time with my babies once again.

Letting Go

I know that all my followers are very aware of the fact that I'm seriously struggling right now. I've been struggling with getting out of bed every day. I've been struggling with making it through a day without crying too much. Heck, I've struggled with deciding how much crying is too much. Most of all, I've really been struggling with how to say good bye to my babies.

How do you say good bye to someone you never really got to say hello to? I've struggled with how to do this for many months. Part of me really thinks this memorial garden will help. Part of me is afraid it won't.

How do you try to move forward in life after this kind of loss? Part of me thinks I just need to fake happiness for so long that I forget I'm pretending. Part of me is afraid I'll never be happy again.

How do you get excited again about bringing a life into this world? Part of me thinks that I will be excited to be pregnant from the moment I see those 2 lines. Part of me is pretty sure I will spend 40 weeks afraid of losing another baby.

Being afraid is incredibly crippling. It cripples me physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm afraid to try again. I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid because all I can think about are the dozens of ways that another pregnancy could go wrong.

I wonder...

... if I make it past the first trimester, will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief and start to get excited.

... if I lose another baby will I be able to will myself to continue to live.

... if I'll ever be able to think the words "my babies" without tearing up.

... if my husband will ever really want a baby.

... if I'll even be a good mother.

Would a good mother be so weak? Would a good mother have no friends? Would a good mother be afraid of just about everything?

How will I teach a child to stand strong and fight for their dreams? Right now I want to just give up.

How will I teach my child to be a good friend and make good choices in people to spend time with? I'd rather stay home all by myself.

How will I teach my child a healthy dose of fear to keep them from harming themselves and other, while also instilling in them a sense of adventure? I've always been afraid to try things even if the risk is only that I won't like it.

How do I keep my child from being as broken as I am...

Only time will give me any of the answers to these questions.

Difficult Times

Work was incredibly difficult today. I am not sure why. I was incredibly distracted and had a hard time concentrating. I got done what needed to get done and even got a head start on a few of next weeks projects. But, for some reason, I still feel like it as a tough day.

One of my coworkers recently found out that her daughter is having a baby. Hearing her talk about it is not as difficult as I would have thought. What was difficult today was when she told a story about a woman she was talking to from craigslist.com about purchasing some baby stuff for her daughter. She started by saying that it was such a sad story. The woman had experienced a stillbirth and she just wanted to sell all the reminders. My coworkers went on to say something like this:

"Miscarriages are sad but a stillbirth is just absolutely terrible. I can't imagine."

I wanted to scream at her that miscarriages are terrible too. I mean, I can't imagine having to go through a stillbirth and I won't even try to compare it to a miscarriage but miscarriages aren't just sad. They are devastating!

Distractions

I've realized the best thing for my mental state right now is to keep busy on anything I can. So, today I baked! OK, I also baked yesterday and I am pretty sure the day before that. Maybe even the day before that. I have kind of been a baking fiend. I think this is a healthier obsession than other things I can think of right now.

So here is what I made so far today.

Watch out Dr Fabulous. I am dropping off cookies tomorrow. You better make sure all the office staff eat them before you do!

I am thinking about baking some banana walnut muffins next...

Also, beware skinny people in my life... I will feed you!

The Plan

I think the plan is to start the Memorial Garden right here. Not where the trees are but somewhere between where I am standing and those trees.

Although we haven't settled on the exact variety of pear tree yet, I expect it will look a little something like this.

 

Now picture me sitting on a bench similar to this between 2 of those beautiful pear trees.

I am also hoping that in that next year in the spring we can add a raised flower bed behind the bench. I would like to plant small flowers like these pansies. I have always loved pansies.

Unless I find something I like better, I am going to nestle 2 of these cute statues amongst them.

Well, that's the plan and I hope that it begins to take shape soon because I really feel like I need this.

Craving Misbehaving

I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. I am not sure what causes it or what cures it but I do know that usually a good dose of misbehavior makes me feel better, even if it is only temporarily. Right now, I have a urge to shave my head bald, pierce 1+ part of my face, get at least one more tattoo, get so drunk that I can't remember anything and then stay that way for a month.

I crave to misbehave.

I'd like to think that as long as I continue to say no to the cravings that they will go away eventually. I'm not sure that is true though. I mean, do drug addicts ever stop craving the drugs. Do alcoholics ever stop craving the alcohol. Maybe on a day-to-day basis but never for a lifetime. One bad day can push them over the edge and have them hooked on that feeling again.

I remember the first day I took my Zoloft. I only took a half but I felt high as a kite. It felt so good to me and right now I wish I could get it back. I wish that sometimes I could just fry my brain for a little while so that it couldn't think anymore. My mind never stops racing. I am always thinking about how I have twice failed at fulfilling my life's dream.

What if I never get the chance to try again?

What if I do get the chance and I fail again?

I just want my babies. Is that so much to ask for?

I just want to hold them. I just want to rock them. I just want to sing to them.

How many times can I get down on my knees and beg God to take me to be with my babies?

How many times will he ignore me?

Suicide is something that I have always thought about. Not daily but it came to me when life was hard. I always thought that I was too weak to do it. Not long ago, I realized that the real reason I never did it was because I was afraid of failure. No one wants to be that pathetic girl that failed at suicide. I worry that some day I won't be afraid anymore.

Right now, I want to be with my babies so badly but I am so afraid of failing at death the way I failed at motherhood. What if my husband came home and found me in time to save me? What if I ended up physically or mentally disabled because of it? If that happened, my life would be even more difficult and I might not be able to try again.

A long-time friend of mine said to me today, "If God wanted you home, you would be." I know what her intention was when she said it but I couldn't help but wonder what I've done so wrong in my life that would make God keep taking my babies and leave me behind. What have I done that is so terrible that God keeps taking my babies but he lets crack whores and sex offenders have children.

Maybe I am not meant to have children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to let go of all my hopes and dreams and just deal with what I have. I am not sure what to think right now. All I can figure out right now is that God doesn't want me. He doesn't want me to be happy here on earth and he doesn't want me with him in the heavens.

Well, before I have too much more time to think about my options, I am going to bed. I just want to sleep and for a few hours not have to think about all that I have lost. I just hope that my dreams aren't filled with reminders. I just need a break right now.

Please God, if you can't answer any of my other prayers, please just give me a break for a little while. Let me sleep in peace. Let me wake with less sadness in my heart and fewer tears on my cheeks. Please, I just need tonight. With all my broken heart, soul and body, I beg you to give me a break.

Good Morning Cruel World

Today is Monday. I should be going to Rite Aid from 11-7 but instead I have several appointments and then I am getting back into bed.

After working only 4 hours on Saturday, I was tired and a little achy. Sunday when I woke up there was a burning pain the the front of my thighs. Today the pain is still there and sometimes I think maybe its even a little worse. I genuinely fear that I am dying from something that will never be diagnosed. No one can have this many symptoms/issues and not be sick with something.

Walking down the stairs is just plain excruciating. Even as I sit here, not moving, my thighs feel achy and hot to the touch. There seems to be no redness and no swelling. Right now, I feel like the only thing I can do is to beg my body to stop torturing me...

Please, body of mine, stop hurting. Please, stop torturing me with these aches and pains. Please stop attacking my mind with these feelings of utter despair. Please just tell me how to make it right. Please tell me what I can do to make things all better. Please, body, I will do whatever you ask of me. I cannot take this anymore. I need answers. I need solutions. I need my old life back...

Cheating on the man...

So, last week I did something that I never imagined I'd do. I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN that specializes in fertility. I feel like I am cheating on Dr Fabulous. I know this is ridiculous but I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I TOTALLY trust him. I just feel like I need all the help I can get and right now it seems like a consultation with a specialist might be a good idea.

Unfortunately, my appointment isn't until October 15th and I was hoping to be pregnant by then. Of course, if we happen to get pregnant before October 15th, then I can just cancel the appointment and continue to see Dr Fabulous. Also, one of the first questions I am going to ask is whether I can go back to seeing Dr Fabulous once I am pregnant and past my first trimester.

Even as I sit here typing away about this, I am fretting about telling him I am going to see someone else. He has been through so much with me over the last 2 years and I want to continue to see him but I just feel like I need more help in the baby making/keeping department.

At some point, I will have to say something because I need the results of the tests that he has run so far. I also need to get CDs with my ultrasounds, CT scans and MRIs. I think I am going to hold off til at least the middle of September and maybe even the beginning of October.

I know its not really "cheating" and lots of people see multiple doctors but I feel like I am running around behind his back. I am not even sure I am going to be able go through with the appointment because I am such a lunatic about this. Ugh. Why must I be so complicated?

Well, for now, I am going to fill out the paperwork they sent me. Then, I am going to tuck it away so I don't have to think about it again for a month! Yeah right. Like I could forget. I don't think I forget anything. Instead it all just runs around in my head torturing me...

Memorial "garden"

I have been working on trying to do something for my babies for what seems like an eternity but in reality has only been a few months. After we lost our first baby, I really wanted to do something to remember him by but I just couldn't wrap my head around what. One of the very first things I thought about was to plant a tree.

I have always wanted a pear tree because one time I saw one in bloom and the flowers were so delicate looking. Also, we'd get to watch it grow over the years. I thought that it would be a perfect way to memorialize our Benjamin. My husband couldn't think of an appropriate place on our property that wouldn't interfere with well, septic, foundation, etc... The idea was put on the back burner when we found out we were pregnant again.

After we lost Sidney, I just fell apart and it seemed to me that if I didn't hold them both close to my heart and forever in the forefront of my mind then it would be like they never existed. I couldn't stop thinking about them and I never wanted to. It was like I had failed them  and they deserved to be remembered forever as the sweet little babies my body never gave them the opportunity to grow into.

After a few weeks, I began to realize that the only way I could keep getting out of bed each day was to find a way to create a place to be the reminder of our loss. I needed to be able to set the wants/wishes for their futures aside so that I could function during the day but that I could have a place to go to sit with them when I needed to feel close the them.

I talked with Hospice for a bit about whether they had a support group or anything. When I discovered online that some hospitals or hospices have Angel Baby Memorials where people can purchase memorial bricks or plant flowers, I just loved the idea. I immediately wanted to have one here in our community. We have no support group for people who have had experienced a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Most people that experience a stillbirth will choose bury them in a cemetery. This gives them a place to go and grieve and remember and just "be" with their child.

When a woman has a miscarriage, she has nothing to bury, nothing to hold and no place to go when she needs to grieve, remember and just "be" with her baby. I asked hospice about this and they seemed excited at the prospect but when I tried to make arrangements to meet with someone about it, the e-mail communications just stopped. Part of me wanted to e-mail them and rant and rave about how terrible it was to leave me hanging. Instead, I decided that I would just let it go and do something on my own.

Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I want to take the time to make a community Angel Garden happen for our community but for now I am going to settle for having my own. I want to be able to help others that have gone through what I have been through but I need to be stronger before I can give support to others.

On Sunday, I met with our landscaper and we talked about putting 2 pear trees in the field behind our house. Most pear trees need to have another pear tree of a different variety to cross pollinate. I very much like the idea of having 2 different pear trees. Much like siblings, they will be the same but different. We are also going to have a granite bench put between them so I can go sit with them.

As I talked this over with my new therapist on Monday, I realized that this could be the start of our own family memorial. Over time we can add plants, trees, statues, or whatever we want to the area to remind us of those we have lost. I have been trying to encourage my husband to think of something to do as a memorial for his Pepe but he's just not ready yet. I am hoping that maybe next year we can do something for my Grammy and maybe even my stepfather. I haven't figured it all out yet but I feel good that its finally in progress.

Now, I just need to wait for the landscaper to clear the back field so we can pick a place to start our plan. I am excited to have a way to channel my grief into something that will hold their memory for at least as long as I live. Someday, even after I am gone, I hope that this family memorial garden will still be there telling the store of the people that we loved and lost. I hope that someday, someone will find a place for my memory in that garden.

I also requested October 31 off from work today. It was the estimated due date for our Benjamin and I want to have the day to be in my garden and grieve for all the things we'll never experience with him. I am thinking about doing some sort of ceremony or service for both our babies but I am not sure that anyone would come and what would I say if they did. I don't know yet what that day will hold but I am going to keep thinking on it until I find something that feels right.

Dr Fabulous Strikes Again

I am so excited I could pee my pants just thinking about it!

My husband will also be seeing Dr Fabulous as his Primary Care Physician!

Unfortunately. the change came about because of several problems at his doctor's office but I am happy that he decided to go with Dr Fabulous instead of picking someone else. We already have a good relationship with him and his office staff so it only makes sense to go with it!

Technically, he isn't accepting new patients with the exception of OB patients but I e-mail him and asked nicely. Then when I didn't hear back right away I offered cookies as a bribe. ;-) Then he did the most amazing thing, he "argued"with his staff to let him take on another patient anyway. Ultimately, it was his decision but the fact that he talked with them about it first and really tried to make our case gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. In the end, the staff said no and he said yes anyway.

Hopefully, they won't be too upset at me. Hopefully, the basket of baked goodies I am sending with him to his first appointment will help smooth it over. He did say I might need to sweet talk the scheduler a little on Monday when I call to officially book his appointment. She ultimately is the one that figures out how soon Walter can get in to see Dr Fabulous.

He really needs a full physical, I think, but right now we would settle for a 10 minute appointment to get his ears and throat looked at. Pretty sure he has an ear infection and he has had a terrible cough for 2 weeks. This also means there has been no kissed for what seems like an eternity! This needs to be fixed ASAP!

I am very excited that our whole family will be seeing the same doctor. I think this will help tremendously with keeping us all healthy and happy. I am so appreciative of all that Doctor Fabulous has done for us over the last few months. I mean, he has been great ever since I started seeing him 2 years ago but the last few months I have needed him so much more and he has been there even when he didn't have to be.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 great men in my life but I am incredibly grateful and will work to keep showing them both how much!

Dr Fabulous told me that he was watching his weight and that there was no need to bring cookies next time we see him. Because I think he looks perfect just the way he is, and I wouldn't want to effect his waist line, I decided not to bake him cookies. I sent him a gift basket with healthy foods instead. :-) His staff is still getting baked goodies!

Now, what to do for my Walter. I guess I'll do the dishes, laundry, and general clean up of the house. He loves coming home to a clean house and we've both been a little lax this week. Then, I'll make him something yummy for dinner and let him pick a TV show without complaining about what he chooses!  ;-)

Obsessive Much?

10 More Confessions

1. I am really loving my new job but I miss the girls at my old job. The new crew is great but the old crew accepts me and all my craziness. I am glad I still get to work there 1-2 days a week.
2. I am excited that my niece will have her driver's license next year so that she can come babysit when Walter and I want to go out!
3. I am sad that someday my child will have less grandparents because my step father passed away last year. But I am relieved that my real dad isn't in the picture because he always made me feel like I was nothing.
4. My thoughts are almost always on getting pregnant, being pregnant, breastfeeding, rocking babies, singing to babies, changing diapers, teaching them to walk and talk, raising them to be great human beings and everything in between. To say I am obsessed is an understatement.
5. I take my temperature every time I wake up and track the time so that I can use the one that was taken after the most amount of sleep. Technically, your supposed to do it at the same time every day but I never sleep well and don't wake up at the same time every day.
6. I track every little symptom of anything on a program on my cell phone. If I have a symptom for more than 3 days in a row, I start googling it.
7. I want to take ambien every night to sleep but I haven't taken it in awhile since there is always the possibility that I'm pregnant even if the test says no. I would give up anything except my future child's health for the chance to get a good nights sleep for a month. I bet I would feel like a different person if I could just sleep regularly.
8. I have taken a pregnancy every day of this cycle starting on the 6th day after ovulation and I'm not stopping until I have my period or get a positive test. Technically, I started a little too early but a few people on pregnancy forums have reported positives that early so I can't help myself.
9. I am both relieved and disappointed every time I see a negative test. I am incredibly scared to be pregnant again even though there is nothing I want more in this world.
10. I am very concerned about getting pregnant while on Zoloft but I am scared of what life will be like without it. I am weaning myself off it anyway. Dr Fabulous doesn't think this is a good idea. I didn't tell him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me.

Anniversary Confessions

I didn't forget the anniversary of day that changed my life but I had been hoping that my husband would remember. I talked about it for weeks in advance and hinting about what a milestone it was.

On August 2, 2010, I had Gastric Bypass surgery and it forever changed my life. I can't say that it made everything perfect but it has allowed me to do many things that I never could have done at 360 pounds.Its now been 2 years and even though I still haven't gotten down to my "goal weight," I am still incredibly proud of the progress I have made.

The night before my surgery I posted this blog and as I read it now I can't believe how calm I was about this major surgery. I should have been freaking out about having my insides remodeled but I wasn't. I was confident in my decision and even though I knew there were risks, I knew that living my life at 360 pounds was a major risk too.

One week post-op, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe that I was doing so well after this major surgery. I mean, my insides were remodeled and I went back to work after 4 days. Most people take 6 weeks off after surgery. In fact, you aren't even supposed to drive for 2 weeks but I had a job to do!

One year after my surgery, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe just how much my life runs in circles. I was having a difficult time 1 year ago and I am having a difficult time again. Its for completely different reasons this time but it makes me wonder if I will ever get out of this cycle of ups and downs. I know that everyone has good days and bad but I have good days and bad weeks/months.

I recently realized that I will probably have to be on some sort of antidepressant or other mood altering medication for the rest of my life. My life thus far has sucked without it and even though the Zoloft isn't working perfectly, it has helped me to get through most of each day. I have begun to wonder if maybe I am bipolar. Every year or so, I insist on ruining my life for no reason. Its why my first marriage didn't work. Its why I can't hold a job for much longer than a year. Its why I used to try to eat myself to death. Its why I used to drink too much and party too hard. Its why I have tattoos and used to have many piercings. I think that its even why in high school, I changed my hair color constantly and shut myself away in my room most of the time.

If it weren't for my loving husband, I would probably be divorced again. Honestly, I would probably be unemployed and either living with family or homeless. I'd still weigh at least 360 pounds but my guess is that I would be in the 400s by now. If I were lucky, someone would have had me committed by now so that I wouldn't kill myself. I've never really talked about this but have decided that while I am on a roll with making Internet confessions, I might as well share this:

I never expected to turn 30. I always thought that I would either get some terrible disease and die. Or die in a horrific accident. Or if none of that happened, that I would probably kill myself because life is always so utterly disappointing and incredibly difficult.

When I had my gastric bypass, I did it because of 2 main reasons...

1. I thought it would make my daily life easier. It did.
2. I thought that my husband would find me more attractive. He doesn't.

I am trying to be happy with one success but its difficult to see past my one failure. I am not going to give up though. Not yet. I am still going to keep working at losing more weight and maybe someday I will be able to afford breast implants and body lift. Maybe then, I will be able to move my failure to the success column.


Part of me looks forward to what next year's blog will say. Part of me looks forward to reading this blog next year. But part of me wonders whether I'll be here next year. I made it past my 30th birthday  but for some reason, I still feel like I'm not going to be here much longer. I guess this gives me something to talk about with my therapist...

Good News & Bad News

So, today was my first day at my new job. It went well. My feet hurt because I wore dress shoes and did WAY too much walking but other than that it was a good day.

Bad News: The hours they originally told me were wrong. Its not 8am to 4:30pm, Tuesday to Friday. Its going to be 7am to 3:30pm, Tuesday to Friday. UGH! They said if I really want they could push it back to 7:30am to 4:00pm. OMG! I am not a morning person. 8am was going to be a killer on me every day. What am I going to do about 7am?

My husband works till 9pm. Our evenings will go something like this:

4:00pm - Wife arrives at home.
4-8pm - Wife is bored and plays on Facebook all night.
8-9:30pm - Wife figures out what to make Husband for dinner and cooks.
9:30pm - Husband arrives home.
10:00pm - Wife goes to bed alone. Husband eats dinner alone.
Midnight - Husband goes to bed.
6:00am - Wife gets up.
6:30am - Wife leaves for work.
7-8am - Husband gets up.
8:30am - Husband leaves for work.

That means we might get 30 minutes together each day during the week. This calculation assumes that my husband gets out of work on time and makes it home by 9:30pm. This sucks!

Good News: My prolactinoma is gone. No sign of it at all. I will still take my medication once a week for the next 6-8 weeks or until I get pregnant, whichever happens first. This will hopefully ensure that the tumor is gone for a very long time but also lesson the side effects I am experiencing when taking the medication twice a week; i.e., headaches, nausea, insomnia, etc.

Good News: The prednisone the doctor gave me seems to be helping. I am having a lot less pain today. The stairs were still torture but once I was sitting, the pain didn't last as long as it was before. Hopefully, the blood work will be back in the next day or so and will tell us something helpful.

Symptoms, Insane Moments & Blessings

I am incredibly grateful for the sanity that Zoloft has helped to bring to my life. That isn't to say that I don't still have moments of insanity. However, as long as there are more sane days then insane ones, I will consider it a blessing.

I have been having some aches and pains for the last 7-10 days. At first, I just assumed I was tired and overdoing it. Then I thought maybe the aches and pains were caused by my Zoloft. Then I looked up the side effects of Zoloft and found this:

nausea
diarrhea
constipation
vomiting
dry mouth
gas or bloating
loss of appetite
weight changes
drowsiness
dizziness
excessive tiredness
headache
pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
nervousness
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
sore throat
changes in sex drive or ability
excessive sweating

I realized that waking up in the night to twitching thumbs, having my feet and hands feel like they are falling asleep randomly through out the day and even my lack of a sex drive were all caused by my Zoloft but my hurting body was not.

The first few days were bearable but it continued to get worse. It went from just my legs to my arms and legs. It went from general aches to excruciating pain when I walked or stood up for longer than 2 hours. By the way, my job at Rite Aid requires standing/walking for 7-8 hours a shift.

I thought maybe I could just push through it until I started my job tomorrow but over the next few days it seemed to get worse. It hurt to even stand for 45 minutes to do dishes or make dinner. I woke up aching and it just got worse all day turning into unbearable pain as the day went on.

On Friday, I sat around most of the day and just watched movies. After 2 hours of sitting, it became painful to sit. I had to keep changing sitting positions every 30 minutes or so. Then something scary happened. At the end of one of the movies, a young woman died. I began to cry and then I began to sob.

The uncontrollable sobbing didn't end for over 2 hours. All sorts of terrible things went through my mind as I sat there on the couch sobbing about how miserable life was being to me. I wasn't sure I could take anymore. Losing my babies was hard enough but to now have to worry about brain surgery and whatever was causing my entire body to hurt. It is just too much.

All I could think about was how my life just wasn't much of a life anymore. Then, I began to think that maybe I needed to ask my husband to come home. I was scaring myself and I wasn't sure if/when I'd ever snap out of it. It was at least 3 hours before he was due to come home and I wasn't sure I'd make it that long.

Just when I had convinced myself that I needed to reach out to him before I really lost my mind, the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my sister Amanda. I took a few deep breathes and grabbed the phone. She asked if she could come visit. A friend was in the hospital in Bangor and I lived closer so it would be nice to come down after visiting at the hospital.

I was so relieved. I said yes right away. Even though the call was short, it helped to reset me and give me something to look forward to. It reminded me that there were people in my life that would miss me if I were gone. I can't say that I will never have another scary moment but it felt good to be able to get past it.

I finally broke down and made another appointment with my doctor. I needed the pain to stop. How was I ever going to deal with my emotional pain if my physical pain was taking over my life?

Doctor Fabulous said I was becoming one of his "special" patients. I took this as a compliment although I am not sure he meant it that way. He thinks that starting the new job and working on moving forward with my therapist will help some of the symptoms to go away but also said there was no reason not to check to see if there was really something going wrong with me.

Of course, there is still the matter of the extreme vision change that has occurred over the last few months. So, today, I had an MRI of my brain. They will compare it to the one I had 18 months ago. Hopefully, my prolactinoma hasn't grown. I should know the results tomorrow. I also had several blood tests: Lime disease, rheumatoid arthritis and several other illnesses that can cause muscle and/or joint pain. He gave me a script for Prednisone to help with the inflamation and pain until he can figure out what's wrong.

So, in closing I am going to make a list of things that are going right for me. I know I need this reminder more than anyone.

1. The new job starts tomorrow. I will be an Accounting Representative. It feels good to finally put my college education to use!
2. I ovulated on Thursday so the countdown till I can take a pregnancy test has begun.
3. I bought a new dress for my new job and it was a size large AND I got it on the misses side of Fashion Bug!
4. I had a great time with my sister, Amanda on Friday night and Saturday morning.
5. I had a great adventure with my mother yesterday: shopping and dinner!
6. I am sleeping pretty well most nights and haven't used the Ambien much at all.
7. I will still be working occassionally at Rite Aid to put money into a baby fund!
8. I hit my insurance's out-of-pocket maximum so none of these tests are costing me a thing!

It never gets easier...

I would love nothing more than to blog about how awesome it is to be pregnant and then follow it with tons of blogs about how miserably uncomfortable pregnancy is but it looks like that's not going to happen for awhile.

I found out this week that my vision has changed pretty drastically in the last 5 months. I should have 20-20 vision with my glasses on but a doctor told me on Tuesday that I need new glasses because my vision is more like 20-40, with one eye worse than the other. This wouldn't be terrible for some people to hear but I got new glasses 5 months ago and prolactinomas happens to sit right next to the optic nerve.

This means the significant change in vision and increase in headaches may be caused by my prolactinoma growing. If that is the case, which we will find out via an MRI next week, than I will need surgery to remove it. With technology, surgery to remove these types of tumors are done through the nose instead of by opening the skull. For those of you that are intrigued by this, I am posting a link to a video that shows an actual surgery .

I am trying so hard to stay positive and not get too depressed but its hard not to feel like there is always something keeping me from my dream...

Never in our Hands, Forever in our Hearts

As you have all read in my last few blogs, I have been doing a lot of talking about babies. Mostly about other people's babies but more recently about our decision to try to have a baby of our own.The journey that led us to make this decision and to finally share this decision with others, has not been an easy one.

I have decided to share parts of this journey with those that read my blog for two reasons. The first being that I am terrible at keeping secrets. The second is because I am feeling alone and burdened by not being able to talk about it. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel or what its like to be me. I don't expect to feel unburdened or less lonely just because I have shared it. What I do expect, is that I will no longer have to pretend. I expect to be able to be me, completely and totally me, with those that I spend time with.

I have debated about making several posts about this to really tell the story but have decided that at this point, the past is in the past and a long drawn out story isn't going to change anything. That said, I have been writing the story, more for myself than anything. Here is the link for the blog for anyone that wants to read the whole story. That said, its not completely written so be patient with me.

For those of you that think you know the story, please accept my apology for never telling the whole truth. I thought I was making things easier for myself and now I realize I just made them harder. That said, there are no good words for today's confession. A picture is worth a thousand words.

This picture is of the sketches that were made for memorial stones. We still aren't sure if we'll have them done because they are a bit more expensive than we thought they'd be. However, there is one thing I do know for sure: I'll never get to hold either one of them in my hands, but they will forever be in my heart.

Confessions of a Crazy Lady

So, last Friday, Dr Fabulous and I had a really great heart-to-heart. I am not going to rehash the whole conversation but it ended a little something like this:

Dr Fabulous: Amity. I think your depressed. We've checked for all the obvious stuff that could be causing your symptoms and ruled out everything I can think of.

Me: I guess you can only be sad for so long before it turns to depression.

Dr Fabulous: Lets just give you a little something to help you get through the day, something to help you sleep and maybe set you up to talk to someone.

Me: OK. You're the expert. Nothing I have tried has helped so I will try it your way.

Dr Fabulous: Plus, you don't have to be medicated forever. You're hoping to be pregnant soon and I think that will make you happier, right?

Me: Right.

Even though he forgot to send in my scripts on Friday, which I already forgave him for, I am still incredibly thankful to have this man in my life. He knows me. Knows when I'm not me. And he genuinely seems to want to help, always.

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Today was my first appointment with Ann, the counselor he set me up with. I met with her right in his office, which is very convenient. We talked about my family and life history and about why Dr Fabulous recommended I see her. We didn't really get to the nitty gritty today but I think I am going to like her. She asked questions, listened to my answers, and gave suggestions when appropriate.

Before I left, she hugged me and told me we'd get through it together. Normally, those blanket statements that things will be OK are enough to drive me batty but I believed her. She said it with such conviction and compassion that I can't help but believe that things will get better. I dunno. Maybe that's just the Zoloft talking. LOL.

The Ambien is NOT working. Or at least its not working yet. It does say it can take up to a week for your body to get used to it and correct the insomnia. Ann gave me some breathing and relaxation exercises to help me when I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Hopefully, the combination will be life changing.

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I know this has many of you wondering what has me so sad and depressed. Although I'd like to just confess it all right now, I have to go to work. But I am feeling better already for confessing some of my secrets. The rest will come in the next few days. Ann suggested I journal but I've decided to blog. Maybe I will journal too, for the things that are too personal to share in a blog, but I have decided that I can't keep secrets anymore. Pretending things are just fine is too difficult for me. I can't do it. Its adding to the anxiety and depression and that's not good for anyone!

So, stay tuned. More confessions to come...