A Graceful Exit

“There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.' It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.”
― Ellen Goodman

I still have some time to change my mind but the more I think about it, the more I am sure that I am making the right choice. I am not going to see a fertility specialist at the end of this month. I am going to cancel my appointment. Walter thinks I should still go. Dr Fabulous thinks I should go. The Head Shrinker thinks I should go. I don't think its a good idea.

Walter and I have talked quite a bit about what we are willing to go through to have a child of our own and I think we've made some really good decisions.

We can't afford this or that. 

Plus, we don't want to do anything that might cause this...

 

I really can't think of a single reason to go see a fertility specialist. They might find nothing wrong with me and we'll just have to keep waiting on a miracle. Or, they might find something wrong that requires a treatment option that we've already ruled out. Either way, there is nothing else I can do but hope that someday things just work out on their own, naturally.

I feel like I just need to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never experience this...

If I can just let go of that dream, maybe I can find something else to make me happy again. Trying this hard for this one thing is stealing all my joy. I know that Walter and I both agree that its not supposed to be this hard. Maybe we just aren't meant to have children. Maybe we are. I don't know. No one knows for sure.

Right now, I just feel like I am waiting on something that is never going to happen...

Tomorrow, I would have been 38 weeks. Just 2 weeks away from my expected due date. I might even be holding my first child in my hands already. Or we might have another 4 weeks to wait if he decided to be late for his own birth day. Instead of getting ready to bring my first child home from the hospital, I am getting ready to let go of a dream I've had my entire life.

How do you do that? Can I just let it go and move forward? Can I make a "graceful exit" to this stage in my life? The only answer I have at this point is, I am going to try. I am going to throw away my thermometer. I am going to stop charting anything except the first day of my period because all smart girls mark that on the calender. I am going to stop trying to figure out how to afford to have a nursery. I am going to stop making decisions for my life based on whether or not I might be pregnant soon.

Tomorrow, I will get out of bed without taking my temperature and marking it on a chart.

Tomorrow, I will begin letting go of an old dream so that I can make room for a new one.

Tomorrow, I will wake up to my husband and see all the wonderful things he brings to my life each and every day.

Tomorrow, I will make the first step toward a "graceful exit."

Tomorrow, I will start trying to live each day for me, my joy and my happiness and not for a future I may never have.

Tomorrow, I will move on with my life...

“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
― Joel Osteen