Passing a Milestone

Halloween was the day that my first baby was due. I know that babies hardly ever come on their due date but I need a day to mark the loss on the calendar. I know that I can't stop celebrating Halloween forever. This year was just too much. I bought the candy and even gave a few pieces out. Thankfully my husband loves to see all the costumes and he spent most of the night sitting by the door.

The weather was completely crap so I didn't get to sit out in my memorial garden. I know I said I was going to no matter the weather but then i realized there was no reason to sit in the cold rain. I can go sit with them any time. I don't have to pick a day to say good bye because they will always be with me. Walter and I spent most of the day staying busy in the apartment. I cleaned some more and he painted that last wall.

This was not how I planned to spend the day but I think it was for the best. I could have spent the entire day in bed crying but it wouldn't change a thing. I'd still have no baby.

With a lot of pressure from my crew of doctors I ended up going to see the specialist in Bangor last week. It was a complete waste of time. No exam. No tests. She looked over all the test results from the tests that Dr Fabulous did and said there was nothing else to do but give it more time. She said I didn't have a fertility problem because I could get pregnant and that there were no more tests to run to see why I miscarry. She said most likely it was a chromosome problem and there is nothing to do about that. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't.

So instead of feeling hopeful that there was something more they could do, I am feeling discouraged that they had nothing to say.

I am spending the weekend shopping with my best friend. More distractions. I think right now that is the best thing for me. Keep busy and distracted and try not to think about it too much. The more I think about it, the more hopeless it seems. So the Head Shrinkers advice is to try not to think about it so much. Don't let it consume my every thought.

Today I got my haircut and bought some new clothes. I bought a few Christmas presents and had a good time with a great friend. I hope to have many more great distractions in my future.