4 Weeks and counting down

I know that I shouldn't look at pregnancy websites anymore but I just can't help it. Tomorrow, I should be 36 weeks pregnant. I should be just 1 week away from a full-term baby and most likely less than 4 weeks from holding him. I should have had a baby shower by now. There should be a crib set up in my bedroom. I should be seeing my doctor on a weekly basis. I should be packing my hospital bag. I should be worrying about contractions and fine tuning my birthing plan.

How your baby's growing:

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. He now weighs almost 6 pounds and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. He's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered his body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected his skin during his nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of his first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely he's in a head-down position. But if he isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying he'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating him from the outside of your belly.


Instead I am crying 3-4 times a day. Every time I write the date I feel like I am counting down to the end of my world. I stare out the sliding glass door at my pear trees but am too scared to go out there. I am so afraid that if I go out there, I'll start crying and never be able to stop. I look at pregnant women with envy. I look at pictures of babies with such longing. I look at my husband holding our dog and can't help but imagine him holding our son. I dream of being pregnant. I dream of rocking babies. I dream of having what so many other women get to have.

I want to believe that I'll have a baby someday but I am fast realizing that it is a real possibility that I won't. Some people have said that we still have plenty of time. Others  have mentioned fertility clinics, treatments and procedures.

I don't want to wait.  I don't want more appointments, treatments and procedures. I don't want to look in the mirror every day and be reminded of my failures as a woman. I just want to have a baby like a normal woman.