Letting Go

I know that all my followers are very aware of the fact that I'm seriously struggling right now. I've been struggling with getting out of bed every day. I've been struggling with making it through a day without crying too much. Heck, I've struggled with deciding how much crying is too much. Most of all, I've really been struggling with how to say good bye to my babies.

How do you say good bye to someone you never really got to say hello to? I've struggled with how to do this for many months. Part of me really thinks this memorial garden will help. Part of me is afraid it won't.

How do you try to move forward in life after this kind of loss? Part of me thinks I just need to fake happiness for so long that I forget I'm pretending. Part of me is afraid I'll never be happy again.

How do you get excited again about bringing a life into this world? Part of me thinks that I will be excited to be pregnant from the moment I see those 2 lines. Part of me is pretty sure I will spend 40 weeks afraid of losing another baby.

Being afraid is incredibly crippling. It cripples me physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm afraid to try again. I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid because all I can think about are the dozens of ways that another pregnancy could go wrong.

I wonder...

... if I make it past the first trimester, will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief and start to get excited.

... if I lose another baby will I be able to will myself to continue to live.

... if I'll ever be able to think the words "my babies" without tearing up.

... if my husband will ever really want a baby.

... if I'll even be a good mother.

Would a good mother be so weak? Would a good mother have no friends? Would a good mother be afraid of just about everything?

How will I teach a child to stand strong and fight for their dreams? Right now I want to just give up.

How will I teach my child to be a good friend and make good choices in people to spend time with? I'd rather stay home all by myself.

How will I teach my child a healthy dose of fear to keep them from harming themselves and other, while also instilling in them a sense of adventure? I've always been afraid to try things even if the risk is only that I won't like it.

How do I keep my child from being as broken as I am...

Only time will give me any of the answers to these questions.