Symptoms, Insane Moments & Blessings

I am incredibly grateful for the sanity that Zoloft has helped to bring to my life. That isn't to say that I don't still have moments of insanity. However, as long as there are more sane days then insane ones, I will consider it a blessing.

I have been having some aches and pains for the last 7-10 days. At first, I just assumed I was tired and overdoing it. Then I thought maybe the aches and pains were caused by my Zoloft. Then I looked up the side effects of Zoloft and found this:

nausea
diarrhea
constipation
vomiting
dry mouth
gas or bloating
loss of appetite
weight changes
drowsiness
dizziness
excessive tiredness
headache
pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
nervousness
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
sore throat
changes in sex drive or ability
excessive sweating

I realized that waking up in the night to twitching thumbs, having my feet and hands feel like they are falling asleep randomly through out the day and even my lack of a sex drive were all caused by my Zoloft but my hurting body was not.

The first few days were bearable but it continued to get worse. It went from just my legs to my arms and legs. It went from general aches to excruciating pain when I walked or stood up for longer than 2 hours. By the way, my job at Rite Aid requires standing/walking for 7-8 hours a shift.

I thought maybe I could just push through it until I started my job tomorrow but over the next few days it seemed to get worse. It hurt to even stand for 45 minutes to do dishes or make dinner. I woke up aching and it just got worse all day turning into unbearable pain as the day went on.

On Friday, I sat around most of the day and just watched movies. After 2 hours of sitting, it became painful to sit. I had to keep changing sitting positions every 30 minutes or so. Then something scary happened. At the end of one of the movies, a young woman died. I began to cry and then I began to sob.

The uncontrollable sobbing didn't end for over 2 hours. All sorts of terrible things went through my mind as I sat there on the couch sobbing about how miserable life was being to me. I wasn't sure I could take anymore. Losing my babies was hard enough but to now have to worry about brain surgery and whatever was causing my entire body to hurt. It is just too much.

All I could think about was how my life just wasn't much of a life anymore. Then, I began to think that maybe I needed to ask my husband to come home. I was scaring myself and I wasn't sure if/when I'd ever snap out of it. It was at least 3 hours before he was due to come home and I wasn't sure I'd make it that long.

Just when I had convinced myself that I needed to reach out to him before I really lost my mind, the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my sister Amanda. I took a few deep breathes and grabbed the phone. She asked if she could come visit. A friend was in the hospital in Bangor and I lived closer so it would be nice to come down after visiting at the hospital.

I was so relieved. I said yes right away. Even though the call was short, it helped to reset me and give me something to look forward to. It reminded me that there were people in my life that would miss me if I were gone. I can't say that I will never have another scary moment but it felt good to be able to get past it.

I finally broke down and made another appointment with my doctor. I needed the pain to stop. How was I ever going to deal with my emotional pain if my physical pain was taking over my life?

Doctor Fabulous said I was becoming one of his "special" patients. I took this as a compliment although I am not sure he meant it that way. He thinks that starting the new job and working on moving forward with my therapist will help some of the symptoms to go away but also said there was no reason not to check to see if there was really something going wrong with me.

Of course, there is still the matter of the extreme vision change that has occurred over the last few months. So, today, I had an MRI of my brain. They will compare it to the one I had 18 months ago. Hopefully, my prolactinoma hasn't grown. I should know the results tomorrow. I also had several blood tests: Lime disease, rheumatoid arthritis and several other illnesses that can cause muscle and/or joint pain. He gave me a script for Prednisone to help with the inflamation and pain until he can figure out what's wrong.

So, in closing I am going to make a list of things that are going right for me. I know I need this reminder more than anyone.

1. The new job starts tomorrow. I will be an Accounting Representative. It feels good to finally put my college education to use!
2. I ovulated on Thursday so the countdown till I can take a pregnancy test has begun.
3. I bought a new dress for my new job and it was a size large AND I got it on the misses side of Fashion Bug!
4. I had a great time with my sister, Amanda on Friday night and Saturday morning.
5. I had a great adventure with my mother yesterday: shopping and dinner!
6. I am sleeping pretty well most nights and haven't used the Ambien much at all.
7. I will still be working occassionally at Rite Aid to put money into a baby fund!
8. I hit my insurance's out-of-pocket maximum so none of these tests are costing me a thing!