Anniversary Confessions

I didn't forget the anniversary of day that changed my life but I had been hoping that my husband would remember. I talked about it for weeks in advance and hinting about what a milestone it was.

On August 2, 2010, I had Gastric Bypass surgery and it forever changed my life. I can't say that it made everything perfect but it has allowed me to do many things that I never could have done at 360 pounds.Its now been 2 years and even though I still haven't gotten down to my "goal weight," I am still incredibly proud of the progress I have made.

The night before my surgery I posted this blog and as I read it now I can't believe how calm I was about this major surgery. I should have been freaking out about having my insides remodeled but I wasn't. I was confident in my decision and even though I knew there were risks, I knew that living my life at 360 pounds was a major risk too.

One week post-op, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe that I was doing so well after this major surgery. I mean, my insides were remodeled and I went back to work after 4 days. Most people take 6 weeks off after surgery. In fact, you aren't even supposed to drive for 2 weeks but I had a job to do!

One year after my surgery, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe just how much my life runs in circles. I was having a difficult time 1 year ago and I am having a difficult time again. Its for completely different reasons this time but it makes me wonder if I will ever get out of this cycle of ups and downs. I know that everyone has good days and bad but I have good days and bad weeks/months.

I recently realized that I will probably have to be on some sort of antidepressant or other mood altering medication for the rest of my life. My life thus far has sucked without it and even though the Zoloft isn't working perfectly, it has helped me to get through most of each day. I have begun to wonder if maybe I am bipolar. Every year or so, I insist on ruining my life for no reason. Its why my first marriage didn't work. Its why I can't hold a job for much longer than a year. Its why I used to try to eat myself to death. Its why I used to drink too much and party too hard. Its why I have tattoos and used to have many piercings. I think that its even why in high school, I changed my hair color constantly and shut myself away in my room most of the time.

If it weren't for my loving husband, I would probably be divorced again. Honestly, I would probably be unemployed and either living with family or homeless. I'd still weigh at least 360 pounds but my guess is that I would be in the 400s by now. If I were lucky, someone would have had me committed by now so that I wouldn't kill myself. I've never really talked about this but have decided that while I am on a roll with making Internet confessions, I might as well share this:

I never expected to turn 30. I always thought that I would either get some terrible disease and die. Or die in a horrific accident. Or if none of that happened, that I would probably kill myself because life is always so utterly disappointing and incredibly difficult.

When I had my gastric bypass, I did it because of 2 main reasons...

1. I thought it would make my daily life easier. It did.
2. I thought that my husband would find me more attractive. He doesn't.

I am trying to be happy with one success but its difficult to see past my one failure. I am not going to give up though. Not yet. I am still going to keep working at losing more weight and maybe someday I will be able to afford breast implants and body lift. Maybe then, I will be able to move my failure to the success column.


Part of me looks forward to what next year's blog will say. Part of me looks forward to reading this blog next year. But part of me wonders whether I'll be here next year. I made it past my 30th birthday  but for some reason, I still feel like I'm not going to be here much longer. I guess this gives me something to talk about with my therapist...