Memorial "garden"

I have been working on trying to do something for my babies for what seems like an eternity but in reality has only been a few months. After we lost our first baby, I really wanted to do something to remember him by but I just couldn't wrap my head around what. One of the very first things I thought about was to plant a tree.

I have always wanted a pear tree because one time I saw one in bloom and the flowers were so delicate looking. Also, we'd get to watch it grow over the years. I thought that it would be a perfect way to memorialize our Benjamin. My husband couldn't think of an appropriate place on our property that wouldn't interfere with well, septic, foundation, etc... The idea was put on the back burner when we found out we were pregnant again.

After we lost Sidney, I just fell apart and it seemed to me that if I didn't hold them both close to my heart and forever in the forefront of my mind then it would be like they never existed. I couldn't stop thinking about them and I never wanted to. It was like I had failed them  and they deserved to be remembered forever as the sweet little babies my body never gave them the opportunity to grow into.

After a few weeks, I began to realize that the only way I could keep getting out of bed each day was to find a way to create a place to be the reminder of our loss. I needed to be able to set the wants/wishes for their futures aside so that I could function during the day but that I could have a place to go to sit with them when I needed to feel close the them.

I talked with Hospice for a bit about whether they had a support group or anything. When I discovered online that some hospitals or hospices have Angel Baby Memorials where people can purchase memorial bricks or plant flowers, I just loved the idea. I immediately wanted to have one here in our community. We have no support group for people who have had experienced a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Most people that experience a stillbirth will choose bury them in a cemetery. This gives them a place to go and grieve and remember and just "be" with their child.

When a woman has a miscarriage, she has nothing to bury, nothing to hold and no place to go when she needs to grieve, remember and just "be" with her baby. I asked hospice about this and they seemed excited at the prospect but when I tried to make arrangements to meet with someone about it, the e-mail communications just stopped. Part of me wanted to e-mail them and rant and rave about how terrible it was to leave me hanging. Instead, I decided that I would just let it go and do something on my own.

Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I want to take the time to make a community Angel Garden happen for our community but for now I am going to settle for having my own. I want to be able to help others that have gone through what I have been through but I need to be stronger before I can give support to others.

On Sunday, I met with our landscaper and we talked about putting 2 pear trees in the field behind our house. Most pear trees need to have another pear tree of a different variety to cross pollinate. I very much like the idea of having 2 different pear trees. Much like siblings, they will be the same but different. We are also going to have a granite bench put between them so I can go sit with them.

As I talked this over with my new therapist on Monday, I realized that this could be the start of our own family memorial. Over time we can add plants, trees, statues, or whatever we want to the area to remind us of those we have lost. I have been trying to encourage my husband to think of something to do as a memorial for his Pepe but he's just not ready yet. I am hoping that maybe next year we can do something for my Grammy and maybe even my stepfather. I haven't figured it all out yet but I feel good that its finally in progress.

Now, I just need to wait for the landscaper to clear the back field so we can pick a place to start our plan. I am excited to have a way to channel my grief into something that will hold their memory for at least as long as I live. Someday, even after I am gone, I hope that this family memorial garden will still be there telling the store of the people that we loved and lost. I hope that someday, someone will find a place for my memory in that garden.

I also requested October 31 off from work today. It was the estimated due date for our Benjamin and I want to have the day to be in my garden and grieve for all the things we'll never experience with him. I am thinking about doing some sort of ceremony or service for both our babies but I am not sure that anyone would come and what would I say if they did. I don't know yet what that day will hold but I am going to keep thinking on it until I find something that feels right.