Craving Misbehaving

I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. I am not sure what causes it or what cures it but I do know that usually a good dose of misbehavior makes me feel better, even if it is only temporarily. Right now, I have a urge to shave my head bald, pierce 1+ part of my face, get at least one more tattoo, get so drunk that I can't remember anything and then stay that way for a month.

I crave to misbehave.

I'd like to think that as long as I continue to say no to the cravings that they will go away eventually. I'm not sure that is true though. I mean, do drug addicts ever stop craving the drugs. Do alcoholics ever stop craving the alcohol. Maybe on a day-to-day basis but never for a lifetime. One bad day can push them over the edge and have them hooked on that feeling again.

I remember the first day I took my Zoloft. I only took a half but I felt high as a kite. It felt so good to me and right now I wish I could get it back. I wish that sometimes I could just fry my brain for a little while so that it couldn't think anymore. My mind never stops racing. I am always thinking about how I have twice failed at fulfilling my life's dream.

What if I never get the chance to try again?

What if I do get the chance and I fail again?

I just want my babies. Is that so much to ask for?

I just want to hold them. I just want to rock them. I just want to sing to them.

How many times can I get down on my knees and beg God to take me to be with my babies?

How many times will he ignore me?

Suicide is something that I have always thought about. Not daily but it came to me when life was hard. I always thought that I was too weak to do it. Not long ago, I realized that the real reason I never did it was because I was afraid of failure. No one wants to be that pathetic girl that failed at suicide. I worry that some day I won't be afraid anymore.

Right now, I want to be with my babies so badly but I am so afraid of failing at death the way I failed at motherhood. What if my husband came home and found me in time to save me? What if I ended up physically or mentally disabled because of it? If that happened, my life would be even more difficult and I might not be able to try again.

A long-time friend of mine said to me today, "If God wanted you home, you would be." I know what her intention was when she said it but I couldn't help but wonder what I've done so wrong in my life that would make God keep taking my babies and leave me behind. What have I done that is so terrible that God keeps taking my babies but he lets crack whores and sex offenders have children.

Maybe I am not meant to have children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to let go of all my hopes and dreams and just deal with what I have. I am not sure what to think right now. All I can figure out right now is that God doesn't want me. He doesn't want me to be happy here on earth and he doesn't want me with him in the heavens.

Well, before I have too much more time to think about my options, I am going to bed. I just want to sleep and for a few hours not have to think about all that I have lost. I just hope that my dreams aren't filled with reminders. I just need a break right now.

Please God, if you can't answer any of my other prayers, please just give me a break for a little while. Let me sleep in peace. Let me wake with less sadness in my heart and fewer tears on my cheeks. Please, I just need tonight. With all my broken heart, soul and body, I beg you to give me a break.