Difficult Times

Work was incredibly difficult today. I am not sure why. I was incredibly distracted and had a hard time concentrating. I got done what needed to get done and even got a head start on a few of next weeks projects. But, for some reason, I still feel like it as a tough day.

One of my coworkers recently found out that her daughter is having a baby. Hearing her talk about it is not as difficult as I would have thought. What was difficult today was when she told a story about a woman she was talking to from craigslist.com about purchasing some baby stuff for her daughter. She started by saying that it was such a sad story. The woman had experienced a stillbirth and she just wanted to sell all the reminders. My coworkers went on to say something like this:

"Miscarriages are sad but a stillbirth is just absolutely terrible. I can't imagine."

I wanted to scream at her that miscarriages are terrible too. I mean, I can't imagine having to go through a stillbirth and I won't even try to compare it to a miscarriage but miscarriages aren't just sad. They are devastating!

Distractions

I've realized the best thing for my mental state right now is to keep busy on anything I can. So, today I baked! OK, I also baked yesterday and I am pretty sure the day before that. Maybe even the day before that. I have kind of been a baking fiend. I think this is a healthier obsession than other things I can think of right now.

So here is what I made so far today.

Watch out Dr Fabulous. I am dropping off cookies tomorrow. You better make sure all the office staff eat them before you do!

I am thinking about baking some banana walnut muffins next...

Also, beware skinny people in my life... I will feed you!

The Plan

I think the plan is to start the Memorial Garden right here. Not where the trees are but somewhere between where I am standing and those trees.

Although we haven't settled on the exact variety of pear tree yet, I expect it will look a little something like this.

 

Now picture me sitting on a bench similar to this between 2 of those beautiful pear trees.

I am also hoping that in that next year in the spring we can add a raised flower bed behind the bench. I would like to plant small flowers like these pansies. I have always loved pansies.

Unless I find something I like better, I am going to nestle 2 of these cute statues amongst them.

Well, that's the plan and I hope that it begins to take shape soon because I really feel like I need this.

Craving Misbehaving

I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. I am not sure what causes it or what cures it but I do know that usually a good dose of misbehavior makes me feel better, even if it is only temporarily. Right now, I have a urge to shave my head bald, pierce 1+ part of my face, get at least one more tattoo, get so drunk that I can't remember anything and then stay that way for a month.

I crave to misbehave.

I'd like to think that as long as I continue to say no to the cravings that they will go away eventually. I'm not sure that is true though. I mean, do drug addicts ever stop craving the drugs. Do alcoholics ever stop craving the alcohol. Maybe on a day-to-day basis but never for a lifetime. One bad day can push them over the edge and have them hooked on that feeling again.

I remember the first day I took my Zoloft. I only took a half but I felt high as a kite. It felt so good to me and right now I wish I could get it back. I wish that sometimes I could just fry my brain for a little while so that it couldn't think anymore. My mind never stops racing. I am always thinking about how I have twice failed at fulfilling my life's dream.

What if I never get the chance to try again?

What if I do get the chance and I fail again?

I just want my babies. Is that so much to ask for?

I just want to hold them. I just want to rock them. I just want to sing to them.

How many times can I get down on my knees and beg God to take me to be with my babies?

How many times will he ignore me?

Suicide is something that I have always thought about. Not daily but it came to me when life was hard. I always thought that I was too weak to do it. Not long ago, I realized that the real reason I never did it was because I was afraid of failure. No one wants to be that pathetic girl that failed at suicide. I worry that some day I won't be afraid anymore.

Right now, I want to be with my babies so badly but I am so afraid of failing at death the way I failed at motherhood. What if my husband came home and found me in time to save me? What if I ended up physically or mentally disabled because of it? If that happened, my life would be even more difficult and I might not be able to try again.

A long-time friend of mine said to me today, "If God wanted you home, you would be." I know what her intention was when she said it but I couldn't help but wonder what I've done so wrong in my life that would make God keep taking my babies and leave me behind. What have I done that is so terrible that God keeps taking my babies but he lets crack whores and sex offenders have children.

Maybe I am not meant to have children. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to let go of all my hopes and dreams and just deal with what I have. I am not sure what to think right now. All I can figure out right now is that God doesn't want me. He doesn't want me to be happy here on earth and he doesn't want me with him in the heavens.

Well, before I have too much more time to think about my options, I am going to bed. I just want to sleep and for a few hours not have to think about all that I have lost. I just hope that my dreams aren't filled with reminders. I just need a break right now.

Please God, if you can't answer any of my other prayers, please just give me a break for a little while. Let me sleep in peace. Let me wake with less sadness in my heart and fewer tears on my cheeks. Please, I just need tonight. With all my broken heart, soul and body, I beg you to give me a break.

Good Morning Cruel World

Today is Monday. I should be going to Rite Aid from 11-7 but instead I have several appointments and then I am getting back into bed.

After working only 4 hours on Saturday, I was tired and a little achy. Sunday when I woke up there was a burning pain the the front of my thighs. Today the pain is still there and sometimes I think maybe its even a little worse. I genuinely fear that I am dying from something that will never be diagnosed. No one can have this many symptoms/issues and not be sick with something.

Walking down the stairs is just plain excruciating. Even as I sit here, not moving, my thighs feel achy and hot to the touch. There seems to be no redness and no swelling. Right now, I feel like the only thing I can do is to beg my body to stop torturing me...

Please, body of mine, stop hurting. Please, stop torturing me with these aches and pains. Please stop attacking my mind with these feelings of utter despair. Please just tell me how to make it right. Please tell me what I can do to make things all better. Please, body, I will do whatever you ask of me. I cannot take this anymore. I need answers. I need solutions. I need my old life back...

Cheating on the man...

So, last week I did something that I never imagined I'd do. I made an appointment to see an OB/GYN that specializes in fertility. I feel like I am cheating on Dr Fabulous. I know this is ridiculous but I don't want him to think that I don't trust him. I TOTALLY trust him. I just feel like I need all the help I can get and right now it seems like a consultation with a specialist might be a good idea.

Unfortunately, my appointment isn't until October 15th and I was hoping to be pregnant by then. Of course, if we happen to get pregnant before October 15th, then I can just cancel the appointment and continue to see Dr Fabulous. Also, one of the first questions I am going to ask is whether I can go back to seeing Dr Fabulous once I am pregnant and past my first trimester.

Even as I sit here typing away about this, I am fretting about telling him I am going to see someone else. He has been through so much with me over the last 2 years and I want to continue to see him but I just feel like I need more help in the baby making/keeping department.

At some point, I will have to say something because I need the results of the tests that he has run so far. I also need to get CDs with my ultrasounds, CT scans and MRIs. I think I am going to hold off til at least the middle of September and maybe even the beginning of October.

I know its not really "cheating" and lots of people see multiple doctors but I feel like I am running around behind his back. I am not even sure I am going to be able go through with the appointment because I am such a lunatic about this. Ugh. Why must I be so complicated?

Well, for now, I am going to fill out the paperwork they sent me. Then, I am going to tuck it away so I don't have to think about it again for a month! Yeah right. Like I could forget. I don't think I forget anything. Instead it all just runs around in my head torturing me...

Memorial "garden"

I have been working on trying to do something for my babies for what seems like an eternity but in reality has only been a few months. After we lost our first baby, I really wanted to do something to remember him by but I just couldn't wrap my head around what. One of the very first things I thought about was to plant a tree.

I have always wanted a pear tree because one time I saw one in bloom and the flowers were so delicate looking. Also, we'd get to watch it grow over the years. I thought that it would be a perfect way to memorialize our Benjamin. My husband couldn't think of an appropriate place on our property that wouldn't interfere with well, septic, foundation, etc... The idea was put on the back burner when we found out we were pregnant again.

After we lost Sidney, I just fell apart and it seemed to me that if I didn't hold them both close to my heart and forever in the forefront of my mind then it would be like they never existed. I couldn't stop thinking about them and I never wanted to. It was like I had failed them  and they deserved to be remembered forever as the sweet little babies my body never gave them the opportunity to grow into.

After a few weeks, I began to realize that the only way I could keep getting out of bed each day was to find a way to create a place to be the reminder of our loss. I needed to be able to set the wants/wishes for their futures aside so that I could function during the day but that I could have a place to go to sit with them when I needed to feel close the them.

I talked with Hospice for a bit about whether they had a support group or anything. When I discovered online that some hospitals or hospices have Angel Baby Memorials where people can purchase memorial bricks or plant flowers, I just loved the idea. I immediately wanted to have one here in our community. We have no support group for people who have had experienced a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Most people that experience a stillbirth will choose bury them in a cemetery. This gives them a place to go and grieve and remember and just "be" with their child.

When a woman has a miscarriage, she has nothing to bury, nothing to hold and no place to go when she needs to grieve, remember and just "be" with her baby. I asked hospice about this and they seemed excited at the prospect but when I tried to make arrangements to meet with someone about it, the e-mail communications just stopped. Part of me wanted to e-mail them and rant and rave about how terrible it was to leave me hanging. Instead, I decided that I would just let it go and do something on my own.

Someday, when I am feeling a little stronger, I want to take the time to make a community Angel Garden happen for our community but for now I am going to settle for having my own. I want to be able to help others that have gone through what I have been through but I need to be stronger before I can give support to others.

On Sunday, I met with our landscaper and we talked about putting 2 pear trees in the field behind our house. Most pear trees need to have another pear tree of a different variety to cross pollinate. I very much like the idea of having 2 different pear trees. Much like siblings, they will be the same but different. We are also going to have a granite bench put between them so I can go sit with them.

As I talked this over with my new therapist on Monday, I realized that this could be the start of our own family memorial. Over time we can add plants, trees, statues, or whatever we want to the area to remind us of those we have lost. I have been trying to encourage my husband to think of something to do as a memorial for his Pepe but he's just not ready yet. I am hoping that maybe next year we can do something for my Grammy and maybe even my stepfather. I haven't figured it all out yet but I feel good that its finally in progress.

Now, I just need to wait for the landscaper to clear the back field so we can pick a place to start our plan. I am excited to have a way to channel my grief into something that will hold their memory for at least as long as I live. Someday, even after I am gone, I hope that this family memorial garden will still be there telling the store of the people that we loved and lost. I hope that someday, someone will find a place for my memory in that garden.

I also requested October 31 off from work today. It was the estimated due date for our Benjamin and I want to have the day to be in my garden and grieve for all the things we'll never experience with him. I am thinking about doing some sort of ceremony or service for both our babies but I am not sure that anyone would come and what would I say if they did. I don't know yet what that day will hold but I am going to keep thinking on it until I find something that feels right.

Dr Fabulous Strikes Again

I am so excited I could pee my pants just thinking about it!

My husband will also be seeing Dr Fabulous as his Primary Care Physician!

Unfortunately. the change came about because of several problems at his doctor's office but I am happy that he decided to go with Dr Fabulous instead of picking someone else. We already have a good relationship with him and his office staff so it only makes sense to go with it!

Technically, he isn't accepting new patients with the exception of OB patients but I e-mail him and asked nicely. Then when I didn't hear back right away I offered cookies as a bribe. ;-) Then he did the most amazing thing, he "argued"with his staff to let him take on another patient anyway. Ultimately, it was his decision but the fact that he talked with them about it first and really tried to make our case gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. In the end, the staff said no and he said yes anyway.

Hopefully, they won't be too upset at me. Hopefully, the basket of baked goodies I am sending with him to his first appointment will help smooth it over. He did say I might need to sweet talk the scheduler a little on Monday when I call to officially book his appointment. She ultimately is the one that figures out how soon Walter can get in to see Dr Fabulous.

He really needs a full physical, I think, but right now we would settle for a 10 minute appointment to get his ears and throat looked at. Pretty sure he has an ear infection and he has had a terrible cough for 2 weeks. This also means there has been no kissed for what seems like an eternity! This needs to be fixed ASAP!

I am very excited that our whole family will be seeing the same doctor. I think this will help tremendously with keeping us all healthy and happy. I am so appreciative of all that Doctor Fabulous has done for us over the last few months. I mean, he has been great ever since I started seeing him 2 years ago but the last few months I have needed him so much more and he has been there even when he didn't have to be.

I don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 great men in my life but I am incredibly grateful and will work to keep showing them both how much!

Dr Fabulous told me that he was watching his weight and that there was no need to bring cookies next time we see him. Because I think he looks perfect just the way he is, and I wouldn't want to effect his waist line, I decided not to bake him cookies. I sent him a gift basket with healthy foods instead. :-) His staff is still getting baked goodies!

Now, what to do for my Walter. I guess I'll do the dishes, laundry, and general clean up of the house. He loves coming home to a clean house and we've both been a little lax this week. Then, I'll make him something yummy for dinner and let him pick a TV show without complaining about what he chooses!  ;-)

Obsessive Much?

10 More Confessions

1. I am really loving my new job but I miss the girls at my old job. The new crew is great but the old crew accepts me and all my craziness. I am glad I still get to work there 1-2 days a week.
2. I am excited that my niece will have her driver's license next year so that she can come babysit when Walter and I want to go out!
3. I am sad that someday my child will have less grandparents because my step father passed away last year. But I am relieved that my real dad isn't in the picture because he always made me feel like I was nothing.
4. My thoughts are almost always on getting pregnant, being pregnant, breastfeeding, rocking babies, singing to babies, changing diapers, teaching them to walk and talk, raising them to be great human beings and everything in between. To say I am obsessed is an understatement.
5. I take my temperature every time I wake up and track the time so that I can use the one that was taken after the most amount of sleep. Technically, your supposed to do it at the same time every day but I never sleep well and don't wake up at the same time every day.
6. I track every little symptom of anything on a program on my cell phone. If I have a symptom for more than 3 days in a row, I start googling it.
7. I want to take ambien every night to sleep but I haven't taken it in awhile since there is always the possibility that I'm pregnant even if the test says no. I would give up anything except my future child's health for the chance to get a good nights sleep for a month. I bet I would feel like a different person if I could just sleep regularly.
8. I have taken a pregnancy every day of this cycle starting on the 6th day after ovulation and I'm not stopping until I have my period or get a positive test. Technically, I started a little too early but a few people on pregnancy forums have reported positives that early so I can't help myself.
9. I am both relieved and disappointed every time I see a negative test. I am incredibly scared to be pregnant again even though there is nothing I want more in this world.
10. I am very concerned about getting pregnant while on Zoloft but I am scared of what life will be like without it. I am weaning myself off it anyway. Dr Fabulous doesn't think this is a good idea. I didn't tell him because I don't want him to be disappointed in me.

Anniversary Confessions

I didn't forget the anniversary of day that changed my life but I had been hoping that my husband would remember. I talked about it for weeks in advance and hinting about what a milestone it was.

On August 2, 2010, I had Gastric Bypass surgery and it forever changed my life. I can't say that it made everything perfect but it has allowed me to do many things that I never could have done at 360 pounds.Its now been 2 years and even though I still haven't gotten down to my "goal weight," I am still incredibly proud of the progress I have made.

The night before my surgery I posted this blog and as I read it now I can't believe how calm I was about this major surgery. I should have been freaking out about having my insides remodeled but I wasn't. I was confident in my decision and even though I knew there were risks, I knew that living my life at 360 pounds was a major risk too.

One week post-op, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe that I was doing so well after this major surgery. I mean, my insides were remodeled and I went back to work after 4 days. Most people take 6 weeks off after surgery. In fact, you aren't even supposed to drive for 2 weeks but I had a job to do!

One year after my surgery, I posted this blog and as I read it now, I can't believe just how much my life runs in circles. I was having a difficult time 1 year ago and I am having a difficult time again. Its for completely different reasons this time but it makes me wonder if I will ever get out of this cycle of ups and downs. I know that everyone has good days and bad but I have good days and bad weeks/months.

I recently realized that I will probably have to be on some sort of antidepressant or other mood altering medication for the rest of my life. My life thus far has sucked without it and even though the Zoloft isn't working perfectly, it has helped me to get through most of each day. I have begun to wonder if maybe I am bipolar. Every year or so, I insist on ruining my life for no reason. Its why my first marriage didn't work. Its why I can't hold a job for much longer than a year. Its why I used to try to eat myself to death. Its why I used to drink too much and party too hard. Its why I have tattoos and used to have many piercings. I think that its even why in high school, I changed my hair color constantly and shut myself away in my room most of the time.

If it weren't for my loving husband, I would probably be divorced again. Honestly, I would probably be unemployed and either living with family or homeless. I'd still weigh at least 360 pounds but my guess is that I would be in the 400s by now. If I were lucky, someone would have had me committed by now so that I wouldn't kill myself. I've never really talked about this but have decided that while I am on a roll with making Internet confessions, I might as well share this:

I never expected to turn 30. I always thought that I would either get some terrible disease and die. Or die in a horrific accident. Or if none of that happened, that I would probably kill myself because life is always so utterly disappointing and incredibly difficult.

When I had my gastric bypass, I did it because of 2 main reasons...

1. I thought it would make my daily life easier. It did.
2. I thought that my husband would find me more attractive. He doesn't.

I am trying to be happy with one success but its difficult to see past my one failure. I am not going to give up though. Not yet. I am still going to keep working at losing more weight and maybe someday I will be able to afford breast implants and body lift. Maybe then, I will be able to move my failure to the success column.


Part of me looks forward to what next year's blog will say. Part of me looks forward to reading this blog next year. But part of me wonders whether I'll be here next year. I made it past my 30th birthday  but for some reason, I still feel like I'm not going to be here much longer. I guess this gives me something to talk about with my therapist...