Thinking...

Most of my day is spent driving from my house to Winterport to meet with one of my assistants and then from her house to Orland to meet my other assistant. From there I usually have to meet with my manager in Ellsworth and then stop back in Orland and Winterport to drop off new work that I receive. Then after approximately 120 miles and 9-10 hours I arrive back at home. I am grateful I only have to do this 3 days week right now. I am sure that my back side would be seriously sore if I did it more often.

Surprisingly, I have been really enjoying these rides. The long ride gives me a lot of time to think about my upcoming surgery and what this change will mean for me during the rest of my life. It also gives me time to think about my past.

I remember that while growing up, I was always the kind of girl that thought I would have the perfect dream family. By the time I was 13, I had stopped wanting to be the President of the United States and had planned out my future family.

I was going to graduate from high school, fall in love, get married and have a dozen babies. We'd have a nice house with a big back yard and I'd be a stay at home mom. By the time I was 50, our kids would be all grown up. I'd get a part-time job to fill my days and we'd have the kids over every Sunday for family dinner.  My husband and I would retired as young as possible, travel all over the place and just enjoy each other's company. We'd spend tons of time with our kids and hopefully by then our grand kids.

As I pictured this all in my mind, I always imaged myself overweight. It was just the image of myself that was ingrained in my mind. It never occurred to me that I could be anything else. It was just a given.

Now, less than a year from my 30th birthday, I find myself with only one part of that dream I had as a little girl. I have the best husband a girl could ever ask for. And much to my surprise, I am about to have something it never occurred to me to dream. I am going to have a chance at a slimmer, healthier version of me.

We will probably never have children. I will probably always have a job to help makes ends meet because with the economy the way it is, its almost impossible for one person to support a family. We probably won't retired early but if we work hard enough and save our extra pennies, we'll be part of the lucky few that can actually retire. Through all this, I will be a completely different version of me. I'll be slimmer and healthier and I am sure I'll be more active.

Even though nothing will be what I planned as a teenager, somehow I finely feel ok with that. Last year, if you asked me if I was ok with not having those childhood dreams come true, I would have broken down and cried my eyes out. Now, I know that life will never be what I planned back then. However, I do know that it will be ok. It will probably be a better than ok. But for now I am happy with just ok. Ok seems a thousands times better than how I felt back then.

I'm glad for the hours in the car that help me to have these realizations. Each time I have one, I feel lighter and happier. Several days this week, my husband told me that he thought I was glowing. That has to be a good thing! And I'll take as many good things as I can get!