Dr Feel Good

No. I haven't changed Dr Fabulous's alias. I have met a new Doctor and he makes me feel good. He's a chiropractor and making the appointment was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I've been dealing with these aches and pains and just plain feeling like crap for awhile now and Dr Fabulous couldn't find anything really wrong with me. I figured worse case scenario, I'd be the same. Best case scenario, I'd feel like a million bucks.

I have never been to a chiropractor before. I thought I had an idea of what it would be like but didn't really know the whole process. I have heard lots of people talk about having adjustments and figured that it mostly consisted of manipulations of the neck and back. It turns out that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

It took me almost 30 minutes to fill out all the paperwork and questionnaires. Then I was with Dr Feel Good for almost 90 minutes. We talked over my questionnaire. We talked about my medical history. We talked about my aches and pains and the general condition of my body currently. Then, he began to have me go through a series of tests.

Walk across the hall and back. Stand straight. Bend over and touch your toes. Hold your arms up. Keep them up while I push them down. Push them down while I try to hold them up. This went on for almost 30 minutes. Arms, legs, hands feet. Standing, sitting, moving about. He checked my  nerves with this weird roller that tickled and checked my reflexes with the standard "hammer" tool.

Finally he told me I have flexible flat feet and that I walk on the inside but just a little. Other than shoes with  good arch support, there is nothing to be done about this because I am experiencing no pain from this condition.

Also, my right hip, shoulder and ear lobe are lower than the left. Apparently, its not common for it to all be on one side. Usually it goes back and forth across your body. As your body tries to compensate for the differences, you lean different parts of your body in opposite directions to keep your eyes level ...or something like that. Anyway, turns out that one leg is longer than the other but not by much. An adjustment to my right hip and a few places in my neck/back should make things better.

Now, he announces that he is going to make some adjustments and to lie face down on the table. I really have no idea what this means but I figure I'd just go with the flow. I am so glad that I just did what I was told because I'm pretty sure that if I had asked him to explain I probably would have said no and left. After a few minor adjustments to my back, which consisted of him pushing really hard on it when I would exhale, he asked me to roll over onto my side. Still feeling like things were going along pretty well, I did as I was told.

Then this happened to me. I can't describe it so I found a picture instead. Click here to see it.

Now, it wasn't painful. But it was a little weird at first. I wish I had been warned about how close he was going to be. Although, I'm not sure I could have handled it differently. I am pretty sure I blushed and closed my eyes. It was over in a matter of a minute or so and I have to admit that my hips felt immediately better when I walked. I just hadn't been prepared to be twisted into a pretzel and then  laid on top of.  That sounds more like private bedroom talk and than something a doctor would do but it did the trick!!

I went back today for another adjustment and it was pretty much the same thing. Only this time he adjusted both hips with this now "famous(in my eyes)" move and it was still a bit awkward but once again things felt better when I left. Of course, I still got all the standard things I had originally expected, such as the neck twists and the back cracking but this move will probably always have me blushing. What good girl wouldn't blush when a man, not her husband, got this close and personal!

I feel great and although there are still a few aches and minor pains, I know it will just keep getting better. I have 2 appointments to see Dr Feel Good next week and I look forward to it. I hoped it would help but I had no idea just how much! Why didn't someone make me go so a chiropractor sooner?!?

By the way, this by no means, makes me think that Dr Fabulous is any less Fabulous, just in case some of my more avid readers were wondering. It just means that my small group of health care professionals is now plus one. I see Dr Fabulous, Dr Feel Good, The Surgeon, The Head Shrinker, a dentist, an opthamologist and I have a pharmacy that I trust. Sounds like the perfect group to keep me going strong!

Remembering But Not Obsessing

As soon as Walter and Dennis place the granite bench in the half circle at the bottom of the picture, we will be done with the memorial for this year.

 
Next year, we will find a way to mark the trees for each of our babies. We are also going to put a raised bed flower garden between them. That is why the surrounding mulch has a straight edge. We don't normally maintain the grass very well in this part of our back yard but we will be starting next year. Hopefully, the grass will get better looking next summer.


  
Please, everyone cross your fingers and/or prayer that the weather is good on October 31 because I plan on spending a lot of time out there that day. I can't imagine doing anything else on the day that my first child should have been born. I just want to be with them and being out there in our memorial to them is the closest thing I'll get to being with them.

Dr Fabulous & Mr Wonderful

Today was "THE" day!

Today, Dr Fabulous officially became my husbands primary care provider. Actually, I don't like that title. I AM his primary care provider. Dr Fabulous is his primary care doctor.

We were there for over an hour. He got weighed. His blood pressure was checked. They checked his A1C. We talked health problems and medications and lab tests that were needed.

We decided not to make too many changes right away but he has a follow-up in 6 weeks. At that appointment, he'll make an appointment for a full physical because we have no idea when he had one last. Also, between now and then, he'll work on getting his records sent over from his previous doctor because they didn't get them yet.

They talked and laughed and picked on me just enough to make me feel like I was good entertainment. We found out that Dr Fabulous is 2 months younger than Walter. I knew they were close in age but I wasn't sure how close. I am in hopes that this will help Walter relate to Dr Fabulous and hopefully take his advice more seriously.

While watching them interact, I realized just how alike my 2 favorite men are. It was a real eye opener to see them interact. No wonder I like Dr Fabulous so much. He reminds me of the man I married. There are some very distinct differences but enough similarities that it makes me wonder how I never noticed it before.

We did have a serious bit of conversation at the end about some changes that Walter needs to make to be healthier. Dr Fabulous wasn't pushy but he asked some really great questions and allowed Walter to answer them without passing too much judgement. Although, he did point out that it is really up to Walter to make the changes. At this point, the medication is doing the most that it can and he needs to work with it. My hope is that Walter will continue to listen with an open mind and find something that will hope to motivate him to get healthier.

In talking to Walter after the appointment, we decided that there is no reason to see the diabetes doctor at this point. We both feel like Dr Fabulous has enough knowledge in this department to deal with Walter diabetic needs. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to hear Walter say, "I can see why you like him so much." Normally, he gives me a real ribbing about how I refer to him as Dr Fabulous but after today, I think he just might agree with me.

Only time will tell if this change in his primary care doctor will lead to other healthier changes. For now, I am just happy that he has a doctor that cares. Plus, I have a little ammunition to use when he needs a little nudge. When we were leaving the doctor's office, he turned to Dr Fabulous and said, "My goal is to outlive you." Dr Fabulous said, "You've got a 2 month head start already." We all chuckled but part of me hopes that he meant it. Dr Fabulous has a wife and several children and I am sure he plans to do what he can to live a good long time. I can only hope that Walter works hard to live longer.

Tattoo Memorials

I've been thinking about another more personal memorial that I can carry with me every day. I have a great idea for what the tattoo will be but I can't figure out where to place it.

So, here's a picture of the tattoo I'd like to have.

 

Thank you to the woman, who will remain anonymous, in my "secret" trying to conceive after a loss group. Thank you so much for sharing this picture. This is her memorial tattoo and we all love it. I love it so much I want to copy it!


There are a few changes that I will make to the tattoo. I will make one foot pink and one foot blue. Then I will put a date on either side of it. I am debating waiting just in case I need to add more dates to it down the line. Maybe if there ends up being more losses I would want to have something completely different to encompass all of them. ugh. What to do?

Please comment about whether you like the idea and where you think I should put it.  Tell me what you would change and if you would wait or not.

A Pair of Pear Trees

Ready to go. Just waiting on Walter...

We arrived at the nursery in Rockport.
I am glad I brought my umbrella because it looks like it could let loose and rain at any moment.

I could have looked around this place for a lot longer but Walter wanted to get going.

We decided on two Bartlett pear trees.
I wanted this one in particular because it already had a pear on it.

We also purchased 3 blueberry bushes to go in our back yard.
We had purchased hydrangea bushes last year but 2 of the 3 died.

I decided I'd rather have the blueberry bushes rather than try hydrangeas again.

Walter helped himself to the few blueberries on the bush.

Back at home, Walter took the blueberry bushes and pear trees out of the truck.

The lonely pear made it all the way home with us.

Shortly after unloading the tree, my husband plucked the pear off.

He didn't like the looks of it and said it was too hard.

So he pitched it over the roof of the garage.

I kind of wanted to cry because I really wanted that pear but I held it together.

I made Walter pose for this and he wasn't incredibly happy about it.

On the bottom right, you can see the tops of the flowers that I purchased.

These are to refill my hanging baskets. 

The flowers I had in them previously died over a month ago.

Walter's reward for making this trip with me was lobster.

In this bag are two 3-pound lobsters.

Once again, he really didn't want to pose for the photo.

I totally love this face!

The Urge to Purge

This 2ww is turning into a 3ww and that sucks.

For those of you that don't spend your free time on message boards for women trying to get pregnant, the 2ww is more commonly referred to as the "2 week wait." Still not sure what I'm talking about? That's OK. Most of you probably never got a lesson in female reproductive cycles in high school or college. Although it can be used just as successfully as a birth control option as it is in baby creation, schools teach abstinence and not the natural cycle method.

I don't want to get too technical and I certainly don't want to get too graphic so I'll try to stick to the basics. For most women, after an egg is released (ovulation), there is usually 14 days before their period begins. This 2 weeks of waiting is torture for couples trying hard to conceive.

As a woman you are analyzing every weird twinge and odd symptom and trying to prove to yourself that this month you are pregnant. If you have been trying very long or have any fertility  problems at all, then you count these days and track your symptoms carefully. You probably already track your temperatures to confirm ovulation and now your comparing your chart to last months hoping to see something different that might indicate your pregnant.

Starting on day 10, you whip out the pregnancy tests and the insanity begins. Every morning you crawl out of bed and before you are even awake enough to notice if the sun is up, you are peeing on a stick. You set your timer for 3 minutes and then wait. I usually brush my teeth and go back to my bed side table for my glasses. I'm now awake enough to see that the test only has one line. Not pregnant.

This is where the mind starts justifying why the test is wrong. You think to yourself that the test isn't sensitive enough to pick up the hcg this early in the pregnancy. You remind yourself not to get too bummed out cause tomorrow it will be a yes!

6am the next morning you do it all again. 6am the following morning you do it again. You repeat this process every day until you get a positive test or your period starts. Sounds simple enough. Then your body starts playing tricks on you. Instead of getting a yes or starting your period, the waiting continues and so does the testing. Each additional day that you get a negative test, you get more and more frustrated. Before you know it you are on day 17 and your thinking about ordering more tests because you don't know how long this will continue.

You start to hate yourself and your body for not working properly. You begin to wonder what is causing the problem and contemplate how to fix it and all along part of you is still hoping that tomorrow you'll get your positive test. You spend hours on the Internet looking for explanations. You're getting advice from women you've never met but they are going through the same thing as you so it makes you feel like they know what they are talking about.

This morning I'm blogging from the warmth and comfort of my bed. Thank you blogger for creating an app for that. I keep staring at the bathroom door. I'm dreading the idea of taking another test but I know I will because if I don't then I will regret it all day. So, I've been waiting for over 30 minutes to go pee and my bladder is screaming at me but I'm so worried it will be another negative test. I'm not sure I can handle too many more negatives. Mentally and emotionally I'm a total wreck and I know that the smallest thing could push me off the deep end.

OK.OK. I know its just a stupid test. I always did well on tests in school. What is the big deal? I'm going to do it. Right now. Can you do me a favor, please? Set a timer for 3 minutes. Stop reading while you wait the timer to go off. Feel how long the wait is when your anticipation is high. When the timer goes off, join me back here for results!

Did you really do it? Did you wait the 3 minutes with me? Did it seem like a long time? It seemed like it to me. So I know your wondering what the test said. Well, I've always agreed with the sentiment that a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go:

Yup. Just what we all expected. Its another negative. My best guess at this point is that my prolactin levels went back up. I know that the MRI showed no tumor but coming off the prolactin suppressing meds is the only change we've made this month. Next week I'll call the doctor and see if I can get my levels checked. Tumor or not, I might need to stay on those meds. Ugh. They give me such headaches! Well, I am sure its just the beginning of the difficult things I will do for my children. And I am already willing to do anything.

I guess its time to start my day. Today, we are going to pick out pear trees for our memorial garden! Check back tomorrow for pictures of our adventure.

Benjamin

Tomorrow, Walter and I are going to buy pear trees. We never heard back from our landscaper and because I can't wait any longer, we are just going to pick them out ourselves. I'd like to say we'll dig the hole and plant them as well but neither of us is the hole digging kind. I do want to be there when the holes are dug and the trees are planted. To me it seems kind of like a graveside service. I'll probably be standing all alone, watching them get placed in the ground. Im sure I'll cry and I might even fall to my knees and silently beg God to bring my babies back. I have a feeling that I'll stay there looking at my trees longer than I should.
As the expected due date for Benjamin grows near, I cant help but begin to wonder about him.

Would he have looked like his daddy?

Would he be easy going like his daddy?

Would he have been a good eater?

I hope he'd have been a good sleeper!

How much would he have weighed at birth?

According to the What to Expect When You Are Expecting website, I would be 32 weeks and a few days. He'd be 17-19 inches long and weigh 4.5 pounds. In less than 8 weeks, he could have almost doubled in weight and then get born into this world kicking and screaming and showing everyone who the new boss was. I know Walter would have cried when he saw him. I know I would too.

In less than 8 weeks, my dream of being a mother could have come true. Instead, that day will come and there will be no baby Benjamin. There will only by my empty arms, wrapped around myself, trying to keep me from falling apart. I already requested the day off from work. I'm hoping to spend the day underneath my pear trees.

When Sidney's due date comes around at the end of January, the weather might not be great but I own snow pants and a winter jacket. With a thermos of hot cocoa, I'm sure I'll be able to spend time with my babies once again.

Letting Go

I know that all my followers are very aware of the fact that I'm seriously struggling right now. I've been struggling with getting out of bed every day. I've been struggling with making it through a day without crying too much. Heck, I've struggled with deciding how much crying is too much. Most of all, I've really been struggling with how to say good bye to my babies.

How do you say good bye to someone you never really got to say hello to? I've struggled with how to do this for many months. Part of me really thinks this memorial garden will help. Part of me is afraid it won't.

How do you try to move forward in life after this kind of loss? Part of me thinks I just need to fake happiness for so long that I forget I'm pretending. Part of me is afraid I'll never be happy again.

How do you get excited again about bringing a life into this world? Part of me thinks that I will be excited to be pregnant from the moment I see those 2 lines. Part of me is pretty sure I will spend 40 weeks afraid of losing another baby.

Being afraid is incredibly crippling. It cripples me physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm afraid to try again. I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid because all I can think about are the dozens of ways that another pregnancy could go wrong.

I wonder...

... if I make it past the first trimester, will I be able to breathe a sigh of relief and start to get excited.

... if I lose another baby will I be able to will myself to continue to live.

... if I'll ever be able to think the words "my babies" without tearing up.

... if my husband will ever really want a baby.

... if I'll even be a good mother.

Would a good mother be so weak? Would a good mother have no friends? Would a good mother be afraid of just about everything?

How will I teach a child to stand strong and fight for their dreams? Right now I want to just give up.

How will I teach my child to be a good friend and make good choices in people to spend time with? I'd rather stay home all by myself.

How will I teach my child a healthy dose of fear to keep them from harming themselves and other, while also instilling in them a sense of adventure? I've always been afraid to try things even if the risk is only that I won't like it.

How do I keep my child from being as broken as I am...

Only time will give me any of the answers to these questions.