I really don't have much to share because nothing seems to be happening. No weight loss for over a week and things don't seem to be getting much easier with eating. I haven't been throwing up as much but it hurts to get things down. No matter how slow I eat or how long I chew before swallowing, I can't seem to be able to eat more than one bite without having a very uncomfortable, heavy ache in my chest. Its like the food is backing up in my stomach and my esophagus. I just keep swallowing and swallowing and taking deep breathes and hoping that it won't come up. It doesn't but I know I would feel better if it did.
Its very frustrating to have my entire world revolving around food even though I really can't eat anything. Its even more frustrating to feel like I am working so hard to do this right and I am still not losing any weight.
I thought that I didn't really have any specific goals in mind for the short term. Over the last week, I have realized that I did, at least in the back on my mind I did. I haven't weighed less than 300 pounds in at least 6 years and maybe more. I can't remember exactly when I crossed that line. Every time I have gotten on the scale this past week, I have been longing to see the numbers go down. As I thought more and more about why I am getting so upset about the number going down, I realize that seeing the number go below 300 was what I really wanted to see. I am so close and yet it seems so far away.
I have been doing a lot of reading about how other people have dealt with these plateaus and the common theme I keep seeing is that I need to eat more. My body has begun to realize that I am slowly starving to death and its trying so hard to hold onto anything it can. Its doing exactly what it is supposed to do in this situation. Its trying to keep me alive.
I can only do what I have been doing and hope that things get better soon. I need to keep trying to eat more and more protein and to start getting my vitamins to stay down. I decided that tomorrow I WILL get 80g of protein into me even if I have to eat things that taste VERY VERY bad and make me want to be sick before I even swallow them. I can't keep being miserable and also not lose weight. If I am going to be miserable, I AM going to keep losing weight. I am not sure I will be able to do this everyday but I am going to keep trying every day until I am able to do it consistently. I have to do this because sometime in the next 4-6 weeks I am going to start losing my hair and how much I lose and how long it takes to grow back is going to depend on how long I continue to be malnourished.
Hi Amity,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that things are being so tough. And, you are right, none of us can know how tough and what it feels like. It is so hard to see someone we love in distress that there is an almost irresistible temptation for friends and family to want to offer “solutions,” to make things all better, when we really can’t. I know from my experiences with this 2½ year-long job search that sometimes I just want to tell my friends how hard it is, how disappointed and worthless I feel, to share those feelings so I don’t feel so alone with them. Some of my friends are able to just listen and “be there” with me, but others want to “fix” it by offering suggestions of things that either I have already done or that are not appropriate – at least not in that moment – when all I want and need is to know that I am loved and cared for even if I can’t find a job; I need empathy, not sympathy or a solution. But I feel like I have to show proper appreciation for their “help,” cause if I don’t they’ll think I am negative and a complainer – so I end up feeling worse.
I am glad that you have the blog to express your feelings of frustration. It seems so counterintuitive that you need to eat more to lose weight, especially when eating is so difficult. I also am glad that you have found online sources of people who have gone through this. I’m wondering if there is any support group or whatever connected with the program you went through prior to surgery and if that is something that would interest you? (Here I go offering suggestions!)
The one thing I know is that you are very strong and that you will do everything you can to meet the goals you set for yourself – whatever they are – and that you will be wise in considering how to do that.
Sending my very best and warmest thoughts your way,
Hildy
I'm thinking of you to Am. I hope each day gets better, although I know that's easy to say.
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