Not so Happy Halloween

Halloween is a day that so many celebrate with costumes and candy. I know that when Wally gets older, I will need to embrace this holiday. But today, I  am still mourning the loss of my first baby. Benjamin would have been born one year ago today, had he come on his due date. I feel so incredibly blessed every time I look at Wally but I'll never stop hurting over the loss of my first 2 babies.

I wasn't able to take the day off from work today and I have a doctor's appointment this morning. So, this morning I am taking the time to think of my Benjamin and mourn the loss of all the dreams I had for him. I will  never forget how it all happened. Everything from how we found out we were pregnant to when we found out we were losing him.For now, I am embracing the good parts of that journey. Although, he wasn't "planned" he was a joyous surprise for me.

Benjamin Peace Watts, thank you for coming to me when I needed you the most. Thank you for opening your father's eyes to see that having a baby was something he wanted to.

Wally, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being such an amazing little baby. Thank you for showing me that I could indeed have a baby; I am not quite a broken as I thought. I cannot wait to see you each and every day. You amaze me more and more!

Dr Fabulous, thank you for helping me to realize that the world wasn't over because Benjamin didn't come into it. Thank you for being an amazing doctor and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for sticking with me through it all and pushing me to just keep moving forward.

Walter, My husband, My best Friend. You have given me the gift of a child, not once, but 3 times. I will forever love each and ever one of them as I will always love you. Thank you for holding me when I cried for our loss. Thank you for being patient when I needed more time to cry. Thank you for putting up with me for the last 18 months as we road this roller coaster together.

Wally's Birth Story

I've tried to write Wally's birth story a few different times but every time I do, I get overwhelmed with emotion and can't seem to get anything reasonable out. Mostly, what I remember from the morning before he was born, was a lot of worry and anxiety. Several times after we arrived at the hospital, the staff came in a told us that our surgery time might be pushed back due to emergencies. It turned out that we didn't get bumped, we were just about right on time.

I decided that the best way to tell this story is with pictures. So, here goes.

We arrived at 10am and by 10:30, I was all hooked up to the monitors and had an IV. The count down to surgery time was on.

My sister, Amanda, came from Vermont to be here with us. I was completely surprised. I had no idea she was coming. I had even talked with her that morning before leaving for the hospital and she never said a thing.

Walter had to dress up in scrubs to come in the operating room with me.

We weren't allowed to take pictures in the operating room, so this is the first picture of Wally. While I was still in the recovery room, Walter was the only one that got to hold Baby Wally.

In the operating room, this cute little screaming face was the only one I remember. He cried just about the entire time and I loved every minute of it!

He absolutely loved being on the warming table.

 I have to admit, I was a bit stoned at this point. Apparently, IV pain medications are very good at blocking everything and not just the pain.

  

This is why I needed IV pain medication. 13 staples on the outside. I never bothered to ask if they count the stitches on the inside.

 

This was the second best moment of my day. The first was when Dr Fabulous held Wally up over the surgical drapes so I could see him. It was only a few seconds and he was upside down and screaming, but it still makes me tear up when I remember it.

Labor And Delivery

Its official. I made my first trip to the Women and Infants Health Care Unit last night. My blood pressure and the swelling in my feet and legs has been creeping up for all long week but over the weekend my left foot ballooned to elephant sized. Couple that with hot flashes, heart palpitations, and a headache that just won't quit and Walter and I decided we should go.

Our nurse was fabulous. She explained everything as we went along. She told us what she was doing and why. She told me what the next possible steps were each time she left the room to check on labs or talk with the doctor. I always knew what to expect and that it huge for me. Not knowing is just too scary. I was able to stay relatively relaxed and my anxiety was minimal.

Walter rubbed my swollen, aching feet off and on and didnt even complain about missing the season premier of Dexter. He joked with the nurse and asked good questions too. He was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better partner!

They hooked me up to monitors. One for baby's heartbeat and one for my contractions. Baby Wally's heartbeat was a little high but still within the normal range. And I learned that I've been having more contractions than I thought. Some are much more uncomfortable than others and I wasn't counting them all. I was blaming some off them on Baby Wally stretching out and moving around, when in actuality they were contractions. So, for a few hours last night my contractions were 7 minutes apart. Not sure how long they were like that before we went to the hospital but when we left, they had slowed to over10 minutes apart.

According to their scale, I've gained 12 pounds in the 2 weeks since my last doctor's appointment. No wonder my legs and feet are swelling. That's a lot of fluid and it has to live somewhere.

After a bag of IV fluid, Baby Wally's heartbeat slowed and his activity level rose. He was moving around like a crazy baby, making his heart monitor make all sorts of noises by kicking it and rolling away from it. It was like heaven. He hasn't been active like that for so long.

My blood work came back great. No signs of pre-eclampsia, which is what they were concerned about. A cervix check showed that even though I'm having lots of contractions, they aren't making any changes to my body at this point. Everything is still locked up like Fort Knoxville, which is great because they like for babies to cook a little longer than 36 weeks.

The doctor decided that all my symptoms were either normal pregnancy stuff or caused by dehydration. I have been drinking fluids like a crazy lady and running to the bathroom to pee every 30 minutes when awake and every hour in the night. How can I be dehydrated? Well, I still have no idea but as long as Baby Wally is doing fine, then I'll figure out how to drink even more fluids. Its obvious now that we both need it.

We got home at just about 1 am. The IV fluids they gave me decided to start vacating in large quantities at around 3 am. Between that and the contractions, I feel like I got no real sleep.

At about 8am, I got up and had something to eat and 16oz of water. By 10am, I headed back to bed. At noon, I woke up and felt like I got a little rest. I think the contractions finally stopped because I haven't had one since I woke up. Yeah! At 1pm, it was time for lunch and to suck down some more water.

Not a lot to do today do I guess the plan is, drink, eat, drink, sleep, drink, eat, drink, sleep. There will also be lots of peeing and hopefully no more contractions.

As anxious as I am to meet my little man, I'm glad he's staying put a little longer. I want to make sure he's healthy as can be when he comes into this world and another few weeks will just help him get ready.

Dr Fabulous is currently on vacation so we'll see what he has to say about all this when he comes back. Next appointment is Friday morning.

Another Baby Update

34 Weeks 4 Days

1. The scale was not kind to me. We ARE NOT talking about what it said. 
2. Blood pressure is good.
3. My belly is measuring right on.
4. Baby's heart beat sounds good.
5. My hands, feet and legs have been swelling. Finally broke down and bought a pair of shoes today. All my other ones barely fit if I squeeze into them first thing. If I'm up a few hours before putting on shoes then none of them fit.
6. Next appointment is July 5th.
7. Still napping every day.
8. The nursery is just about done. We are just waiting on the arrival of the rocker glider.
9. We have had 3 baby showers! It just keeps amazing me how generous our friends, families and coworkers are! We only have a few small things that still need to be purchased.
10. Baby Wally is still moving around like crazy most days. Its starting to get really uncomfortable when he moves because he's running out of room in there. Its still really comforting to feel him move though. Only a few more weeks till he's in my arms. 

The only not so good news I have today is that Baby Wally might have to be born via cesarean section, which was not the original plan. Dr Fabulous, Walter and I discussed our concerns over what seems to be the growing need for this procedure. We still haven't made a decision. We are all going to do some more research on some of the things that are causing problems and discuss them at my next appointment. There is is still a chance I can have him naturally but it's a decision we'll all make together at my next appointment. I know some of you are wondering why and normally I'm pretty open about everything, but some things are just to personal to share. I know that we all just want what is best for Baby Wally and I promise this is not a decision that any of us is taking lightly.

All that aside, I am getting so excited to be able to share Baby Wally with all of you. On the other hand, I know I am going to miss being able to have him all to myself 24 hours a day!

Baby Wally Update

I had an ultrasound today. Totally unplanned and very unexpected but Dr Fabulous finally decided that we should check on things. I am pretty sure he did it mostly to get me to relax and less for what might be considered medical necessity but I'll take it.

Unfortunately, Baby Wally didn't cooperate for any pictures. He's still playing shy with his hands in front of his face but at least I got a little update.

1. His is definitely still a boy. :-)
2. He currently weighs  4.5 pounds, which is perfect.
3. His head is measuring a few days ahead but totally within normal range.
4. His heartbeat was 150 beats per minute, which is also perfect.
5. He kept kicking at the ultrasound wand (which I hear means great brain development already!)
6. His kidneys and stomach looked good.
7. His bladder was full (and so was mine!).
8. His heart looked great.
9. His leg bones measured right on for his age.

He moved the whole time. Just wouldn't stop squirming around. He also had the hiccups for a few minutes and I could see his little belly moving each time hiccuped. It was so cute. He is definitely persistent though because no matter how much moving around he did, he kept both arms/hands in front of his face. I guess he is going to make us wait till he's born to know what he looks like.

9 week and 3 days to go...

Baby Wally Update

30 weeks 4 days

1. Went to the doctor's today. Up another 11 pounds. Officially blew past the 30 pound goal for maximum weight gain with this pregnancy.
2. One of my fears has come true. The new maternity clothes I bought not so very long ago will not fit me to till the end of this pregnancy. I am down to 2 pairs of pants, a few shirts and 3 dresses. Not buying new clothes. Just going to deal. If I get to the point where nothing fits, I'll just start wearing Walter's clothes.
3. Swelling in my hands and feet started last week. My shoes are pretty snug by the end of the work day. Not going to buy new ones. I'll just deal with it at work and go barefoot at home.
4. My belly is measuring 31 cm. This is technically 1cm behind for me because my belly button naturally measures 2 inches higher than average. He's not worried at this point. We'll just see how it measures at the next appointment.
5. Baby's heart beat sounds good.
6. Blood pressure was good.
7. Next appointment in 4 weeks.
8. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions just about every day. Sometimes just a few, but most of time they last for hours. Climbing stairs or walking/standing for 1onger than 20-25 minutes seems to get them started. Sometimes they are painful but I'm very happy to say that over the last week or so they have really just been uncomfortable and not incredibly painful.
9. Driving or riding in the car has become almost unbearable. Even a 25 minute ride on Sunday had my back hurting and my tail bone screaming at me. I hope its just the way he's laying right now and that he'll move soon and it will get better.
10. Still napping every day after work and definitely on the weekends.
11. Finally got a date for when they will be installing Walter's Office carpet. May 31. He can't move out of the nursery until after that so I don't think the nursery will be done before my baby shower. But we did pick a paint color for the nursery so as soon as the room is empty that can get started.
12. Baby shower invites went out. They are so cute! A big thank you to my sister-in-law, Jessi, for making them. They are super cute! My husband has been making plans for the shower too. I don't know very many details because it will be nice to have some surprises but its exciting to know that they are doing all this for me and Baby Wally. 

Here is the most recent picture of me. I don't normally take pictures in bathroom mirrors but when I caught sight of myself in the mirror at work I couldn't help it. That belly is really huge! No wonder so many of my clothes don't fit!

Surprise Book Club Baby Shower

All the girls with all the really great food! Of course, even the food was book themed!











The napkin rings were made from lines from kids books too!









They had a little seating area set up with lots of items from "Good Night, Moon"

I felt like a hungry caterpillar as I ate my way through the food and over to these cupcakes!

We played a game using children's books that none of us had ever even read!

Then we played a game all about Famous Walters! I had no idea there were so many!

I got to open so many really cute presents. I received lots of great children's books! I am so excited to have his collection of books off to a good start. I hadn't bought a single one yet!

Here are my fabulous book club girls again. Each holding the book(s) they purchased for Baby Wally!

Baby Wally Update

26 weeks 4 days

1. Went to the doctor's today. Up another 9 pounds. Awesome. Not!
2. Very thankful for the new maternity clothes we bought a few weekends ago but getting a little nervous about whether they will fit till the end.
3. Blood pressure was good.
4. Blood sugar was good.
5. My belly is measuring right on.
6. Baby's heart beat sounds good.
7. Next appointment in 4 weeks.
8. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions since 20 weeks but had my first painful ones last Thursday. Exactly every 15 minutes equals 2+ hours of not nice!
9. Still napping almost every day after work and definitely on the weekends.
10. Over the last few weeks, Walter's new home office was emptied, wall paper and rug removed and walls patched. Ready for paint! Hopefully, this means that we are just a few weekends away from starting the nursery.

 Here is the latest picture of me.

 Let's hope I don't look like this again soon.

And pray that some day I can get back to this....

First Time Mom Fail

Saturday morning, I woke up shortly at 6am. I tossed and turned and dozed a little but just after 8am I finally got up, leaving Walter sleeping. I showered, got dressed, grabbed a piece of toast, my biggest canvas tote bag and headed out to my very first Baby Fair. I was a little nervous because I had heard that these things could be busy. They opened at 8:30 so I figured that by arriving at 9:15 I might have beat the rush to get in the door.

Although there was no line to get in the door, parking was a nightmare. Once I finally found a space, I looked over toward the door and saw people pouring out with arm loads full of bags, toys, strollers, high chairs, etc. I almost left right then. I thought to myself, "Maybe I can make it home and back to bed and Walter will never know I was gone."

I waited 10 minutes and it seemed to slow down. Cars were pulling out of the parking lot faster than they were coming in. I figure that this was a perfect time to go in. It was now or never and I was losing my nerve fast.

I tucked my cash and my cell phone in my pocket so I wouldn't have to worry about carrying too much. With empty tote bag in hand, I headed in. Front door. Short hall way. Another door. Big entry area with a lady taking donations for admission. A big set of doors leading to the gymnasium. I almost chickened again.

When I turned the corner to face these doors, I could hear the loud humming noise coming from the room. It only took me a few seconds to realize that the place was packed. I quickly paid my dollar, got my hand marked up and walked through the door. I just kept telling myself that maybe there was just a bottleneck by the door and if I could get in a few feet things would look better.

I was wrong. I was wrong about all of it. I wasn't going to be able to do this. There were too many people and so much stuff and it was all just too overwhelming. If I could have turned around and walked out at that moment I would have. Unfortunately for me, the crowd was moving and there was no turning back.

I began telling myself that I would just make one trip around and when I came back to the door I'd leave. I didn't stop to look at anything. I just kept moving with the crowd and when it slowed a bit, I stepped around a few people and kept walking. Half way around the room, I looked up to see Dr Fabulous and his wife at a table. In fact, they had more than one table. Lots to look at and a huge variety of stuff. Things for girls and boys of varying ages.

He smiled and we talked for a moment about how crazy busy it was. For a few minutes, the craziness around me went away and I was just so relieved to see a familiar face. Then I heard my name, I turned to see a woman I used to work with. Another familiar face. Yes! We talked for a few minutes and then she told me she had a list she was working on. She had come for specific things and off she went in search of them.

Why didn't I think of a list? What did Baby Wally even need? We've been given a bunch of stuff already and I put a bunch more on the baby registry. What else did he need? I had no idea. My mind was blank and I began to panic again. I needed to leave. I needed to go right now. What kind of mother was I going to be when I don't even know what my baby needs?

My eyes began to tear up and I fixed them on the door. I was leaving. Now.

I began to weave in and out of people, making my way toward the exit. When I was just 15 feet away, I noticed  table, with a sign saying boys clothes, and there was no one looking at any of it. I slowed for a minute, decided that if I could just buy one thing, then this trip wouldn't be a failure. I stopped and began to look through things.

What size do I get? Long sleeve? Short sleeve? Pants? Shorts? Onesies? Sleepers? Stopping was bad idea. I should just leave. But now the lady is looking at me with hope that maybe she won't have to bring all of it home with her. I thought about offering her $25 for the entire box of 0-3mo clothes I was looking at and then I could just run for the door. It was just 10 feet away and I could escape.

Walter would be so mad if I came home with all of that. He doesn't think I need to buy anything at this point. He wants to wait till after the baby shower and closer to when Wally is due. I just want to buy everything he needs right now because we have less than 14 weeks before our due date and what if he comes early. There isn't much time to get ready.

I looked down at the items in my hand and noticed that some of them had stains. I began sorting into piles of like new and definitely used. I decided against onesies and sleepers. I ended up with a few one piece, button crotch shorts outfits and VERY soft LL Bean jacket. I asked her how much, paid the money, stuffed them in my bag and headed for the door.

I made it to the car before I fell apart. I just couldn't help it. It was just too much for me. I was going to have to hope that everyone else knew what my baby needed because I didn't have a clue. When I first started bis baby registry, I thought that the recommendations seemed a bit excessive and they probably were but at least it gave me a place to start.

I think that doctor's offices should give First Time Moms information about basic necessities. At least then, I would feel like it came from a source that wasn't profiting off of my purchases and that I wouldn't be a total failure as a Mom from the moment I brought my baby home. I don't know very much about how things will be when Baby Wally comes home but I am pretty sure that I won't feel like going shopping.

If I take a moment to think logically, I know that this doesn't make me a terrible mother. That I am not a total failure because a huge crowd overwhelmed me. That every first time mom goes through this at one time or another. That this definitely won't be the last time I am overwhelmed at the prospect of another human being so dependent on me to provide them with all that they need.

I wish that I could say that when I got home, I felt better. But I didn't. I really needed my husband to say that we would figure it out together. I needed to hear that I didn't have to go through all this by myself. That the whole burden wasn't on me. Instead he just couldn't understand why I was upset and tried to convince me that I was wrong to feel this way.

This is when I realized, and not for the first time, that there really should be a class for first time dads about all the things they should/shouldn't say to their pregnant wives. In general women are much more emotional than men and then when you add pregnancy hormones, it gets exponentially worse. There have been so many times in the last 6 months that one simple phrase would have saved us both from a really bad conversation.

I am not sure if there are any men who read my blog, but if you do, remember these words. They can be used in almost every situation and will almost always make things easier on you and your significant other.

"You don't have to do this by yourself. We'll figure it out together."

More than anything I want a partner in this world. It's a hard and cruel world and I don't want to face it by myself. Reminding me, that I am not alone and that I have partner that will be there for me, would go a long way to making me feel better. Of course, it would also help if you felt that way too.

I believe that for most men, they think this is obvious and there is no need to state the obvious. They are wrong. Women need to hear you say what you consider obvious. We need you to say I love you for no reason. We need you to say you are by our side for better or worse. We need you to tell us that we are beautiful and that you still find us attractive, especially when we are gaining weight (regardless of the reason). We need you to hold us just because you felt like it and not because we're already crying.

My husband is great. Compared to so many other husbands and fathers out there, I know I am incredibly lucky to have the one I do. I know that in the long run, we WILL figure this all out TOGETHER. Sometimes, I would just like to hear that he feels the same way.

On a positive note, the weekend ended up being incredibly successful in the baby preparation front. We put together the crib and we almost emptied out the back room. Soon, the office will be moved and the nursery will be complete. Yeah. Way to go us!

Last night, when we went to bed. My husband went through our bedroom door first and exclaimed, "There is a crib in our bedroom." I couldn't help but chuckle. I think I know exactly how he felt. "Wow. This is really happening. And soon."

Weekend Getaway

March 20th was the 3rd Anniversary of the day I married the most loving and caring man I have ever met. We decided it was a great time to get away and have a little "honeymoon" before the baby comes or before I get so uncomfortable I don't want to go anywhere.

We didn't travel far but we did have a great time. We slept and ate and shopped and slept and ate and shopped. I was able to get some really great deals on some much needed maternity clothes.  The outfit below cost me around $20! I refrained from buying TONS of stuff for Baby Wally. It was difficult but I managed.

 

The car ride went much better than I expected. We didn't have to stop an insane number of times for me to pee and I didn't feel sick at all. Yeah! We both ate way too much but not all that unhealthy.

One of my most favorite times was nap time. It was nice to go back to the hotel and just relax together before having a late dinner. We discovered that when I lay on my back, we can see exactly where Baby Wally is hanging out. It sort of became a little ritual when we got back to the room. I'd lay down on my back and we'd look for the "lump" that would tell us where he was resting. 

Walter still hasn't REALLY gotten to feel the baby move around yet. Once he thought he kind of did but I won't be happy till he knows for sure what he's feeling. Each and every day I feel him more and more and his movements are getting stronger so I know that in no time Daddy will be feeling him too.

Our weekend away was just what I needed. I came back feeling rested and loved. My amazing husband was so incredibly attentive to me and my needs the whole weekend. I feel like our love grew and our bond to one another got stronger. I know that Baby Wally had a part in this and that makes me feel even more loved.

Had a doctor's appointment last week after we got back. My blood pressure is good. No swelling so far. My baby bump is measuring perfectly. His heart beat sounds loud and strong and he moves around so much you can hear it on the Doppler. And, don't tell anyone but, I gained 10 pounds last month. Argh! I need to figure out how to get that in check for sure. This means I am up a total of 18 pounds so far and Dr Fabulous and I had set a goal of about 15. EPIC FAIL on my part.

I'd like to blame it on vacation and the middle of the night snacks I've been needing but I am pretty sure it has everything to do with Girl Scout cookies. Good News: My cookies are all gone and I am not buying anymore. I just gave in last month to every craving and it was a bad idea. This month, I will work harder at only giving me and Baby Wally the good stuff. I can't say that I won't have the occasional piece of chocolate or even a cookie from time to time, but I WILL keep it to a minimum.

No glucose tolerance test for me. Yeah! One of the benefits of having the gastric bypass is that I can't tolerate that much sugar all at once so I get to skip that yucky orange/lime/cola drink and the hours of waiting between blood draws. I do however have to check my sugars from time to time at home. So far, they have all been good. 80 in the morning and sometimes even lower before meals.

This week I am starting to clean out the backroom so we can move the office. Walter will be at Foxwoods in Connecticut all week so I should have plenty of time to get all the small stuff moved. In the next few weeks I'll be able to post pictures of the new office and then the work will begin on the nursery. Yeah! I am so excited to have a nursery.

So, in closing, I know this is a little over due but here are a few more pictures from our last ultrasound  of Baby Wally. Unless there are complications, we won't be having another.

Baby Sidney

Sidney Olivia Watts was due to be born today. I know that I should just be happy that I am currently 15 weeks pregnant with Baby #3 but I can't help but be sad that I never got to hold Baby Benjamin or Baby Sidney.

I went through my memory box for our lost babies and I spent some time outside in our memorial garden. I looked at the ultrasound pictures for the new baby and after I post this, I will take out my Doppler and listen to Baby's precious heart beat.

Its so hard to be excited about all the wonderful milestones we've already gotten to have with this new baby without being sad that we never got to do those things with our first 2. We never got to see their little faces or hear their hearts beating.

I can't imagine that I will ever be able to have their due dates pass without acknowledging them in some way. No matter how little time we had with them, they were my babies and I will always love them.

In honor of all we lost and in recognition of the miracle I have growing inside me, I have decided to post some more pictures of Baby #3. I know that it can be hard to tell what's going on in these pictures so I hope the captions are helpful.


Baby's legs crossed and the bottom of one foot.

Baby's hand in front of his face.

Baby looking right at us.

12 Week Miracle

I have officially been pregnant for 12 weeks. I've known for 9 weeks. It has been the longest 9 weeks of my life. Each and every day my little miracle grows bigger and stronger. The ups and downs the first few weeks were almost unbearable. I was lucky not to lose my baby or my mind.

The last few weeks have been tough for totally different reasons. So many women would love to feel as good as I do at this stage of their pregnancy. Instead of a relief, it was alarming to lose all my early pregnancy symptoms that early. Dr. Fabulous told me to relax and just enjoy it. I tried and succeeded part of the time but not all of it.

Last Friday, we got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. I sighed with relief. I instantly felt a huge weight lifted off my back. There was real proof that my baby was alive and well. I can't thank my husband enough for asking the doctor to do it. I can't thank Dr. Fabulous enough for taking time out of his busy day to do it.

I am excited to go to the doctor on Monday so we can hear the heart beat again. Plus, we are going to schedule an ultrasound. I am hoping I can get it squeezed in after work one day so I don't have to wait a whole week. I’m a little worried about the ultrasound because it’s to look for indications of certain types of birth defects. I know that this only tells us if we are at a higher risk for these things and the baby could still come out perfectly healthy but if they tell me we are high risk I'll worry for the rest of the pregnancy. I know that some people don’t bother to even get this screening but I can’t imagine turning down and opportunity to look at my baby. Besides, this time it will look like a baby instead of a little blip on the screen!