Although there was no line to get in the door, parking was a nightmare. Once I finally found a space, I looked over toward the door and saw people pouring out with arm loads full of bags, toys, strollers, high chairs, etc. I almost left right then. I thought to myself, "Maybe I can make it home and back to bed and Walter will never know I was gone."
I waited 10 minutes and it seemed to slow down. Cars were pulling out of the parking lot faster than they were coming in. I figure that this was a perfect time to go in. It was now or never and I was losing my nerve fast.
I tucked my cash and my cell phone in my pocket so I wouldn't have to worry about carrying too much. With empty tote bag in hand, I headed in. Front door. Short hall way. Another door. Big entry area with a lady taking donations for admission. A big set of doors leading to the gymnasium. I almost chickened again.
When I turned the corner to face these doors, I could hear the loud humming noise coming from the room. It only took me a few seconds to realize that the place was packed. I quickly paid my dollar, got my hand marked up and walked through the door. I just kept telling myself that maybe there was just a bottleneck by the door and if I could get in a few feet things would look better.
I was wrong. I was wrong about all of it. I wasn't going to be able to do this. There were too many people and so much stuff and it was all just too overwhelming. If I could have turned around and walked out at that moment I would have. Unfortunately for me, the crowd was moving and there was no turning back.
I began telling myself that I would just make one trip around and when I came back to the door I'd leave. I didn't stop to look at anything. I just kept moving with the crowd and when it slowed a bit, I stepped around a few people and kept walking. Half way around the room, I looked up to see Dr Fabulous and his wife at a table. In fact, they had more than one table. Lots to look at and a huge variety of stuff. Things for girls and boys of varying ages.
He smiled and we talked for a moment about how crazy busy it was. For a few minutes, the craziness around me went away and I was just so relieved to see a familiar face. Then I heard my name, I turned to see a woman I used to work with. Another familiar face. Yes! We talked for a few minutes and then she told me she had a list she was working on. She had come for specific things and off she went in search of them.
Why didn't I think of a list? What did Baby Wally even need? We've been given a bunch of stuff already and I put a bunch more on the baby registry. What else did he need? I had no idea. My mind was blank and I began to panic again. I needed to leave. I needed to go right now. What kind of mother was I going to be when I don't even know what my baby needs?
My eyes began to tear up and I fixed them on the door. I was leaving. Now.
I began to weave in and out of people, making my way toward the exit. When I was just 15 feet away, I noticed table, with a sign saying boys clothes, and there was no one looking at any of it. I slowed for a minute, decided that if I could just buy one thing, then this trip wouldn't be a failure. I stopped and began to look through things.
What size do I get? Long sleeve? Short sleeve? Pants? Shorts? Onesies? Sleepers? Stopping was bad idea. I should just leave. But now the lady is looking at me with hope that maybe she won't have to bring all of it home with her. I thought about offering her $25 for the entire box of 0-3mo clothes I was looking at and then I could just run for the door. It was just 10 feet away and I could escape.
Walter would be so mad if I came home with all of that. He doesn't think I need to buy anything at this point. He wants to wait till after the baby shower and closer to when Wally is due. I just want to buy everything he needs right now because we have less than 14 weeks before our due date and what if he comes early. There isn't much time to get ready.
I looked down at the items in my hand and noticed that some of them had stains. I began sorting into piles of like new and definitely used. I decided against onesies and sleepers. I ended up with a few one piece, button crotch shorts outfits and VERY soft LL Bean jacket. I asked her how much, paid the money, stuffed them in my bag and headed for the door.
I made it to the car before I fell apart. I just couldn't help it. It was just too much for me. I was going to have to hope that everyone else knew what my baby needed because I didn't have a clue. When I first started bis baby registry, I thought that the recommendations seemed a bit excessive and they probably were but at least it gave me a place to start.
I think that doctor's offices should give First Time Moms information about basic necessities. At least then, I would feel like it came from a source that wasn't profiting off of my purchases and that I wouldn't be a total failure as a Mom from the moment I brought my baby home. I don't know very much about how things will be when Baby Wally comes home but I am pretty sure that I won't feel like going shopping.
If I take a moment to think logically, I know that this doesn't make me a terrible mother. That I am not a total failure because a huge crowd overwhelmed me. That every first time mom goes through this at one time or another. That this definitely won't be the last time I am overwhelmed at the prospect of another human being so dependent on me to provide them with all that they need.
I wish that I could say that when I got home, I felt better. But I didn't. I really needed my husband to say that we would figure it out together. I needed to hear that I didn't have to go through all this by myself. That the whole burden wasn't on me. Instead he just couldn't understand why I was upset and tried to convince me that I was wrong to feel this way.
This is when I realized, and not for the first time, that there really should be a class for first time dads about all the things they should/shouldn't say to their pregnant wives. In general women are much more emotional than men and then when you add pregnancy hormones, it gets exponentially worse. There have been so many times in the last 6 months that one simple phrase would have saved us both from a really bad conversation.
I am not sure if there are any men who read my blog, but if you do, remember these words. They can be used in almost every situation and will almost always make things easier on you and your significant other.
"You don't have to do this by yourself. We'll figure it out together."
More than anything I want a partner in this world. It's a hard and cruel world and I don't want to face it by myself. Reminding me, that I am not alone and that I have partner that will be there for me, would go a long way to making me feel better. Of course, it would also help if you felt that way too.
I believe that for most men, they think this is obvious and there is no need to state the obvious. They are wrong. Women need to hear you say what you consider obvious. We need you to say I love you for no reason. We need you to say you are by our side for better or worse. We need you to tell us that we are beautiful and that you still find us attractive, especially when we are gaining weight (regardless of the reason). We need you to hold us just because you felt like it and not because we're already crying.
My husband is great. Compared to so many other husbands and fathers out there, I know I am incredibly lucky to have the one I do. I know that in the long run, we WILL figure this all out TOGETHER. Sometimes, I would just like to hear that he feels the same way.
On a positive note, the weekend ended up being incredibly successful in the baby preparation front. We put together the crib and we almost emptied out the back room. Soon, the office will be moved and the nursery will be complete. Yeah. Way to go us!
Last night, when we went to bed. My husband went through our bedroom door first and exclaimed, "There is a crib in our bedroom." I couldn't help but chuckle. I think I know exactly how he felt. "Wow. This is really happening. And soon."
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