So, today was my first day at my new job. It went well. My feet hurt because I wore dress shoes and did WAY too much walking but other than that it was a good day.
Bad News: The hours they originally told me were wrong. Its not 8am to 4:30pm, Tuesday to Friday. Its going to be 7am to 3:30pm, Tuesday to Friday. UGH! They said if I really want they could push it back to 7:30am to 4:00pm. OMG! I am not a morning person. 8am was going to be a killer on me every day. What am I going to do about 7am?
My husband works till 9pm. Our evenings will go something like this:
4:00pm - Wife arrives at home.
4-8pm - Wife is bored and plays on Facebook all night.
8-9:30pm - Wife figures out what to make Husband for dinner and cooks.
9:30pm - Husband arrives home.
10:00pm - Wife goes to bed alone. Husband eats dinner alone.
Midnight - Husband goes to bed.
6:00am - Wife gets up.
6:30am - Wife leaves for work.
7-8am - Husband gets up.
8:30am - Husband leaves for work.
That means we might get 30 minutes together each day during the week. This calculation assumes that my husband gets out of work on time and makes it home by 9:30pm. This sucks!
Good News: My prolactinoma is gone. No sign of it at all. I will still take my medication once a week for the next 6-8 weeks or until I get pregnant, whichever happens first. This will hopefully ensure that the tumor is gone for a very long time but also lesson the side effects I am experiencing when taking the medication twice a week; i.e., headaches, nausea, insomnia, etc.
Good News: The prednisone the doctor gave me seems to be helping. I am having a lot less pain today. The stairs were still torture but once I was sitting, the pain didn't last as long as it was before. Hopefully, the blood work will be back in the next day or so and will tell us something helpful.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Symptoms, Insane Moments & Blessings
I am incredibly grateful for the sanity that Zoloft has helped to bring to my life. That isn't to say that I don't still have moments of insanity. However, as long as there are more sane days then insane ones, I will consider it a blessing.
I have been having some aches and pains for the last 7-10 days. At first, I just assumed I was tired and overdoing it. Then I thought maybe the aches and pains were caused by my Zoloft. Then I looked up the side effects of Zoloft and found this:
nausea
diarrhea
constipation
vomiting
dry mouth
gas or bloating
loss of appetite
weight changes
drowsiness
dizziness
excessive tiredness
headache
pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
nervousness
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
sore throat
changes in sex drive or ability
excessive sweating
I realized that waking up in the night to twitching thumbs, having my feet and hands feel like they are falling asleep randomly through out the day and even my lack of a sex drive were all caused by my Zoloft but my hurting body was not.
The first few days were bearable but it continued to get worse. It went from just my legs to my arms and legs. It went from general aches to excruciating pain when I walked or stood up for longer than 2 hours. By the way, my job at Rite Aid requires standing/walking for 7-8 hours a shift.
I thought maybe I could just push through it until I started my job tomorrow but over the next few days it seemed to get worse. It hurt to even stand for 45 minutes to do dishes or make dinner. I woke up aching and it just got worse all day turning into unbearable pain as the day went on.
On Friday, I sat around most of the day and just watched movies. After 2 hours of sitting, it became painful to sit. I had to keep changing sitting positions every 30 minutes or so. Then something scary happened. At the end of one of the movies, a young woman died. I began to cry and then I began to sob.
The uncontrollable sobbing didn't end for over 2 hours. All sorts of terrible things went through my mind as I sat there on the couch sobbing about how miserable life was being to me. I wasn't sure I could take anymore. Losing my babies was hard enough but to now have to worry about brain surgery and whatever was causing my entire body to hurt. It is just too much.
All I could think about was how my life just wasn't much of a life anymore. Then, I began to think that maybe I needed to ask my husband to come home. I was scaring myself and I wasn't sure if/when I'd ever snap out of it. It was at least 3 hours before he was due to come home and I wasn't sure I'd make it that long.
Just when I had convinced myself that I needed to reach out to him before I really lost my mind, the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my sister Amanda. I took a few deep breathes and grabbed the phone. She asked if she could come visit. A friend was in the hospital in Bangor and I lived closer so it would be nice to come down after visiting at the hospital.
I was so relieved. I said yes right away. Even though the call was short, it helped to reset me and give me something to look forward to. It reminded me that there were people in my life that would miss me if I were gone. I can't say that I will never have another scary moment but it felt good to be able to get past it.
I finally broke down and made another appointment with my doctor. I needed the pain to stop. How was I ever going to deal with my emotional pain if my physical pain was taking over my life?
Doctor Fabulous said I was becoming one of his "special" patients. I took this as a compliment although I am not sure he meant it that way. He thinks that starting the new job and working on moving forward with my therapist will help some of the symptoms to go away but also said there was no reason not to check to see if there was really something going wrong with me.
Of course, there is still the matter of the extreme vision change that has occurred over the last few months. So, today, I had an MRI of my brain. They will compare it to the one I had 18 months ago. Hopefully, my prolactinoma hasn't grown. I should know the results tomorrow. I also had several blood tests: Lime disease, rheumatoid arthritis and several other illnesses that can cause muscle and/or joint pain. He gave me a script for Prednisone to help with the inflamation and pain until he can figure out what's wrong.
So, in closing I am going to make a list of things that are going right for me. I know I need this reminder more than anyone.
I have been having some aches and pains for the last 7-10 days. At first, I just assumed I was tired and overdoing it. Then I thought maybe the aches and pains were caused by my Zoloft. Then I looked up the side effects of Zoloft and found this:
nausea
diarrhea
constipation
vomiting
dry mouth
gas or bloating
loss of appetite
weight changes
drowsiness
dizziness
excessive tiredness
headache
pain, burning, or tingling in the hands or feet
nervousness
uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
sore throat
changes in sex drive or ability
excessive sweating
I realized that waking up in the night to twitching thumbs, having my feet and hands feel like they are falling asleep randomly through out the day and even my lack of a sex drive were all caused by my Zoloft but my hurting body was not.
The first few days were bearable but it continued to get worse. It went from just my legs to my arms and legs. It went from general aches to excruciating pain when I walked or stood up for longer than 2 hours. By the way, my job at Rite Aid requires standing/walking for 7-8 hours a shift.
I thought maybe I could just push through it until I started my job tomorrow but over the next few days it seemed to get worse. It hurt to even stand for 45 minutes to do dishes or make dinner. I woke up aching and it just got worse all day turning into unbearable pain as the day went on.
On Friday, I sat around most of the day and just watched movies. After 2 hours of sitting, it became painful to sit. I had to keep changing sitting positions every 30 minutes or so. Then something scary happened. At the end of one of the movies, a young woman died. I began to cry and then I began to sob.
The uncontrollable sobbing didn't end for over 2 hours. All sorts of terrible things went through my mind as I sat there on the couch sobbing about how miserable life was being to me. I wasn't sure I could take anymore. Losing my babies was hard enough but to now have to worry about brain surgery and whatever was causing my entire body to hurt. It is just too much.
All I could think about was how my life just wasn't much of a life anymore. Then, I began to think that maybe I needed to ask my husband to come home. I was scaring myself and I wasn't sure if/when I'd ever snap out of it. It was at least 3 hours before he was due to come home and I wasn't sure I'd make it that long.
Just when I had convinced myself that I needed to reach out to him before I really lost my mind, the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and realized it was my sister Amanda. I took a few deep breathes and grabbed the phone. She asked if she could come visit. A friend was in the hospital in Bangor and I lived closer so it would be nice to come down after visiting at the hospital.
I was so relieved. I said yes right away. Even though the call was short, it helped to reset me and give me something to look forward to. It reminded me that there were people in my life that would miss me if I were gone. I can't say that I will never have another scary moment but it felt good to be able to get past it.
I finally broke down and made another appointment with my doctor. I needed the pain to stop. How was I ever going to deal with my emotional pain if my physical pain was taking over my life?
Doctor Fabulous said I was becoming one of his "special" patients. I took this as a compliment although I am not sure he meant it that way. He thinks that starting the new job and working on moving forward with my therapist will help some of the symptoms to go away but also said there was no reason not to check to see if there was really something going wrong with me.
Of course, there is still the matter of the extreme vision change that has occurred over the last few months. So, today, I had an MRI of my brain. They will compare it to the one I had 18 months ago. Hopefully, my prolactinoma hasn't grown. I should know the results tomorrow. I also had several blood tests: Lime disease, rheumatoid arthritis and several other illnesses that can cause muscle and/or joint pain. He gave me a script for Prednisone to help with the inflamation and pain until he can figure out what's wrong.
So, in closing I am going to make a list of things that are going right for me. I know I need this reminder more than anyone.
- The new job starts tomorrow. I will be an Accounting Representative. It feels good to finally put my college education to use!
- I ovulated on Thursday so the countdown till I can take a pregnancy test has begun.
- I bought a new dress for my new job and it was a size large AND I got it on the misses side of Fashion Bug!
- I had a great time with my sister, Amanda on Friday night and Saturday morning.
- I had a great adventure with my mother yesterday: shopping and dinner!
- I am sleeping pretty well most nights and haven't used the Ambien much at all.
- I will still be working occassionally at Rite Aid to put money into a baby fund!
- I hit my insurance's out-of-pocket maximum so none of these tests are costing me a thing!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
It never gets easier...
I would love nothing more than to blog about how awesome it is to be pregnant and then follow it with tons of blogs about how miserably uncomfortable pregnancy is but it looks like that's not going to happen for awhile.
I found out this week that my vision has changed pretty drastically in the last 5 months. I should have 20-20 vision with my glasses on but a doctor told me on Tuesday that I need new glasses because my vision is more like 20-40, with one eye worse than the other. This wouldn't be terrible for some people to hear but I got new glasses 5 months ago and prolactinomas happens to sit right next to the optic nerve.
This means the significant change in vision and increase in headaches may be caused by my prolactinoma growing. If that is the case, which we will find out via an MRI next week, than I will need surgery to remove it. With technology, surgery to remove these types of tumors are done through the nose instead of by opening the skull. For those of you that are intrigued by this, I am posting a link to a video that shows an actual surgery .
I am trying so hard to stay positive and not get too depressed but its hard not to feel like there is always something keeping me from my dream...
I found out this week that my vision has changed pretty drastically in the last 5 months. I should have 20-20 vision with my glasses on but a doctor told me on Tuesday that I need new glasses because my vision is more like 20-40, with one eye worse than the other. This wouldn't be terrible for some people to hear but I got new glasses 5 months ago and prolactinomas happens to sit right next to the optic nerve.
This means the significant change in vision and increase in headaches may be caused by my prolactinoma growing. If that is the case, which we will find out via an MRI next week, than I will need surgery to remove it. With technology, surgery to remove these types of tumors are done through the nose instead of by opening the skull. For those of you that are intrigued by this, I am posting a link to a video that shows an actual surgery .
I am trying so hard to stay positive and not get too depressed but its hard not to feel like there is always something keeping me from my dream...
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Never in our Hands, Forever in our Hearts
As you have all read in my last few blogs, I have been doing a lot of talking about babies. Mostly about other people's babies but more recently about our decision to try to have a baby of our own.The journey that led us to make this decision and to finally share this decision with others, has not been an easy one.
I have decided to share parts of this journey with those that read my blog for two reasons. The first being that I am terrible at keeping secrets. The second is because I am feeling alone and burdened by not being able to talk about it. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel or what its like to be me. I don't expect to feel unburdened or less lonely just because I have shared it. What I do expect, is that I will no longer have to pretend. I expect to be able to be me, completely and totally me, with those that I spend time with.
I have debated about making several posts about this to really tell the story but have decided that at this point, the past is in the past and a long drawn out story isn't going to change anything. That said, I have been writing the story, more for myself than anything. Here is the link for the blog for anyone that wants to read the whole story. That said, its not completely written so be patient with me.
For those of you that think you know the story, please accept my apology for never telling the whole truth. I thought I was making things easier for myself and now I realize I just made them harder. That said, there are no good words for today's confession. A picture is worth a thousand words.
This picture is of the sketches that were made for memorial stones. We still aren't sure if we'll have them done because they are a bit more expensive than we thought they'd be. However, there is one thing I do know for sure: I'll never get to hold either one of them in my hands, but they will forever be in my heart.
I have decided to share parts of this journey with those that read my blog for two reasons. The first being that I am terrible at keeping secrets. The second is because I am feeling alone and burdened by not being able to talk about it. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel or what its like to be me. I don't expect to feel unburdened or less lonely just because I have shared it. What I do expect, is that I will no longer have to pretend. I expect to be able to be me, completely and totally me, with those that I spend time with.
I have debated about making several posts about this to really tell the story but have decided that at this point, the past is in the past and a long drawn out story isn't going to change anything. That said, I have been writing the story, more for myself than anything. Here is the link for the blog for anyone that wants to read the whole story. That said, its not completely written so be patient with me.
For those of you that think you know the story, please accept my apology for never telling the whole truth. I thought I was making things easier for myself and now I realize I just made them harder. That said, there are no good words for today's confession. A picture is worth a thousand words.
This picture is of the sketches that were made for memorial stones. We still aren't sure if we'll have them done because they are a bit more expensive than we thought they'd be. However, there is one thing I do know for sure: I'll never get to hold either one of them in my hands, but they will forever be in my heart.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Confessions of a Crazy Lady
So, last Friday, Dr Fabulous and I had a really great heart-to-heart. I am not going to rehash the whole conversation but it ended a little something like this:
Dr Fabulous: Amity. I think your depressed. We've checked for all the obvious stuff that could be causing your symptoms and ruled out everything I can think of.
Me: I guess you can only be sad for so long before it turns to depression.
Dr Fabulous: Lets just give you a little something to help you get through the day, something to help you sleep and maybe set you up to talk to someone.
Me: OK. You're the expert. Nothing I have tried has helped so I will try it your way.
Dr Fabulous: Plus, you don't have to be medicated forever. You're hoping to be pregnant soon and I think that will make you happier, right?
Me: Right.
Even though he forgot to send in my scripts on Friday, which I already forgave him for, I am still incredibly thankful to have this man in my life. He knows me. Knows when I'm not me. And he genuinely seems to want to help, always.
----------------------------------------------------
Today was my first appointment with Ann, the counselor he set me up with. I met with her right in his office, which is very convenient. We talked about my family and life history and about why Dr Fabulous recommended I see her. We didn't really get to the nitty gritty today but I think I am going to like her. She asked questions, listened to my answers, and gave suggestions when appropriate.
Before I left, she hugged me and told me we'd get through it together. Normally, those blanket statements that things will be OK are enough to drive me batty but I believed her. She said it with such conviction and compassion that I can't help but believe that things will get better. I dunno. Maybe that's just the Zoloft talking. LOL.
The Ambien is NOT working. Or at least its not working yet. It does say it can take up to a week for your body to get used to it and correct the insomnia. Ann gave me some breathing and relaxation exercises to help me when I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Hopefully, the combination will be life changing.
-----------------------------------------------------
I know this has many of you wondering what has me so sad and depressed. Although I'd like to just confess it all right now, I have to go to work. But I am feeling better already for confessing some of my secrets. The rest will come in the next few days. Ann suggested I journal but I've decided to blog. Maybe I will journal too, for the things that are too personal to share in a blog, but I have decided that I can't keep secrets anymore. Pretending things are just fine is too difficult for me. I can't do it. Its adding to the anxiety and depression and that's not good for anyone!
So, stay tuned. More confessions to come...
Dr Fabulous: Amity. I think your depressed. We've checked for all the obvious stuff that could be causing your symptoms and ruled out everything I can think of.
Me: I guess you can only be sad for so long before it turns to depression.
Dr Fabulous: Lets just give you a little something to help you get through the day, something to help you sleep and maybe set you up to talk to someone.
Me: OK. You're the expert. Nothing I have tried has helped so I will try it your way.
Dr Fabulous: Plus, you don't have to be medicated forever. You're hoping to be pregnant soon and I think that will make you happier, right?
Me: Right.
Even though he forgot to send in my scripts on Friday, which I already forgave him for, I am still incredibly thankful to have this man in my life. He knows me. Knows when I'm not me. And he genuinely seems to want to help, always.
----------------------------------------------------
Today was my first appointment with Ann, the counselor he set me up with. I met with her right in his office, which is very convenient. We talked about my family and life history and about why Dr Fabulous recommended I see her. We didn't really get to the nitty gritty today but I think I am going to like her. She asked questions, listened to my answers, and gave suggestions when appropriate.
Before I left, she hugged me and told me we'd get through it together. Normally, those blanket statements that things will be OK are enough to drive me batty but I believed her. She said it with such conviction and compassion that I can't help but believe that things will get better. I dunno. Maybe that's just the Zoloft talking. LOL.
The Ambien is NOT working. Or at least its not working yet. It does say it can take up to a week for your body to get used to it and correct the insomnia. Ann gave me some breathing and relaxation exercises to help me when I wake up and can't go back to sleep. Hopefully, the combination will be life changing.
-----------------------------------------------------
I know this has many of you wondering what has me so sad and depressed. Although I'd like to just confess it all right now, I have to go to work. But I am feeling better already for confessing some of my secrets. The rest will come in the next few days. Ann suggested I journal but I've decided to blog. Maybe I will journal too, for the things that are too personal to share in a blog, but I have decided that I can't keep secrets anymore. Pretending things are just fine is too difficult for me. I can't do it. Its adding to the anxiety and depression and that's not good for anyone!
So, stay tuned. More confessions to come...
Monday, July 16, 2012
Dreams really do come true!
We're having a baby!
OK. So, I'm not pregnant at the moment but at least we are trying.
That is a lot more than I ever expected. When I met Walter he thought that one day he might want to have 1 child. Then we spent more time with my niece and nephews and he decided that maybe kids wasn't a good idea. Before we got married, I had to agree that I would be OK with not having children. At the time I genuinely thought I would be OK with it. After turning 30, I realized just how wrong I was. The urge came over me like a sledgehammer.
A variety of things over the past couple months led us to agree to try to get pregnant. The way it came to be isn't really a happy story but as long as we end up with a baby to snuggle with, then it will have a happy ending!
So, get excited cause at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, someone is going to have to start planning me a baby shower!
OK. So, I'm not pregnant at the moment but at least we are trying.
That is a lot more than I ever expected. When I met Walter he thought that one day he might want to have 1 child. Then we spent more time with my niece and nephews and he decided that maybe kids wasn't a good idea. Before we got married, I had to agree that I would be OK with not having children. At the time I genuinely thought I would be OK with it. After turning 30, I realized just how wrong I was. The urge came over me like a sledgehammer.
A variety of things over the past couple months led us to agree to try to get pregnant. The way it came to be isn't really a happy story but as long as we end up with a baby to snuggle with, then it will have a happy ending!
So, get excited cause at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, someone is going to have to start planning me a baby shower!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)