The things I'll never have...

I feel like so many other people get to be happy and I don't understand why I don't. I mean, there little things that amuse me from time to time and occasionally I have a day that ends with a smile, but mostly I am just unhappy.

I've realized that the continued not trying and basic failure do to not trying is what is tearing me apart. However, the things I want so badly in life are not things I can do alone. It takes two to make MY dream come true.

I try not to talk about it too much these days but I think of it constantly so its hard not to say something from time to time. I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy without being a mother. I wonder what kind of person I will become because of the anger and regret at being married to someone that won't fulfill that need for me. How long can a marriage last when one partner wants something that the other partner does not? 

Compromise is supposed to be the healer of relationship wounds. Its supposed to end arguments. 

But, how do you compromise on children? I believe that a good compromise is just one child when I truly want a dozen. I believe that agreeing not to make my partner participate in and part of raising a child he doesn't want to, is another compromise.I believe that agreeing to work so we can be afford a child, when I truly want to stay at home is another compromise. 

Why are none of these compromises enough? 

Why don't the things I am willing to give up weigh enough to tip the scales? 

Why don't my needs and wants have enough value in our relationship to ever factor into his decision making?

Why do I stay?

Why do I sacrifice myself for his happiness? 

And am I really making him happy by staying when he has to see me so miserable all the time?

I definitely have more questions than answers. I thought that time would help me to answer my questions but so far time has only created more questions. More and more people in my life are fulfilling there own dreams and I am watching my opportunity slipping through my fingers as each day passes by.

I want to hate people that get to have babies but babies are such an incredible blessing that I can't help but just be excited for them. I wish that I could just be happy to live vicariously through them but I can't. I can occasionally be happy for them but I can't be forever happy because of them. Other people's children will not fill my void. My soul contains a large void where my children should have been.

I am just a few short years away from the end of my fertile years. I have a pituitary tumor that causes problems with my hormones. I have PCOS that also causes problems with my fertility. None of this gets me down. I mean, I probably can't even have children but not even being able to try is enough to kill me. At least, I wish that it was enough to actually kill me, because I don't know how much more of this emptiness I can live with.

I can accept failure, everyone fails at something.
But I can't accept not trying.
~Michael Jordan

Deep Regret

Regret of neglected opportunity
is the worst hell that a living soul can inhabit.

~ RAFAEL SABATINI, Scaramouche

Regret is such a small word yet its weight is great. It climbs onto ones back and begins to break it. Regret is the death of hope and opportunity. Regret is what settles in to take over our hearts and minds while we wait for something to change.
 
Today I have many regrets and its seems like the list grows longer every year. How can I break this cycle of pain? How can I start letting go? How can I start living?
 
Every year as my birthday approaches, I begin to feel weight of regret increasing. This year it seems as though the regrets won't leave. They continue to pile up and weigh me down. It feels as though every pound of weight I lose, another pound of regret climbs on. My heart feels heavy with sadness and my back aches under the weight of it all.
 
Today, we buried the only man who ever wanted to be my Dad. I can't seem to keep the regrets at bay. They are becoming so overwhelming and I just want to be free of them. Not for my relationship with him but for the ones that will never be.
 
It seems as though my overwhelming obsession with children truly has tainted every millimeter of my brain and effects every thought I have. Even as I grieve for the loss of my father, I can't help but grieve for loss of the opportunity to be a parent. I will never get to take the experiences I had with him and pass them onto my children. I will never get the opportunity to be a mother or see my loving husband be a father.
 
I stumbled upon a blog post today written by a woman that never got to have children. Her story is a bit different than mine but her pain is the same. There were many comments on this post that really helped me to feel less alone, even if it did only last for a few minutes.
 
Another one of her blog posts is somewhat amusing although a bit sad when you know that some day it will happen to you.
 
I just need to keep myself crazy insane busy all the time so that I don't have a millisecond to think about it. Great. Sounds fun. WHATEVER!
 
I give up. I give up on me. I give up on life. F the world.

Fathers

To me, my stepfather is so much more than just a parent; he made the choice to love me when he never had to.   ~Julie Hébert

My "Dad" unexpectedly passed away on Wednesday. I wanted to write something about him to put his mark forever on this blog but I can't figure out what to say. Maybe its just too soon. I can't seem to put into words how I feel. My mind seems to be cloaked in a thick fog...

One Year Anniversary

The first anniversary of my gastric bypass came and went this week. Part of me feels like I have accomplished so much in the last year. Part of me feels like I still have so much work to do. 

I am starting to feel like I am on the verge of a mid-life crisis. I want to just climb to the tallest building I can find and scream at the world. I want to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone. I want to stay in bed all day with the shades pulled down and the covers pulled up over my head.

When I started this weight loss journey I thought that I would feel so much better after losing the weight. I have been greatly disappointed. It seems like I have more problems since losing weight than I ever had before. Its so hard not to regret having had the surgery.

I saw the surgeon on Thursday morning. I was so worried about seeing him because I haven't had as much weight loss in the last few months as I had in the beginning. I am not sure if he is a mind reader or if he could just read it on my face but he had all the right things to say.

He told me that its normal to feel like life didn't get better after the surgery. He showed me a picture of me before surgery and reminded me of how far I had come. He reminded me of all the struggles I had with day-to-day living before surgery. He asked me not to regret the surgery because even though some days are an incredible emotional struggle that the health benefits alone are well worth it. He told me that its normal to feel tired and even depressed. He told me that its normal to feel alone and encouraged me to try find someone I could talk to that had gone through this too. He encouraged me to put myself first. He reminded me that there are only so many hours in the day and that I have to decide for myself what is most important and put it first. I couldn't help but cry as I listened to him talk. It felt like he knew what it was like to be me. It felt like I was a little less alone in this world.

I felt so much better after leaving his office that it was like walking on clouds. Knowing that someone in the world knows what it feels like to be me is very uplifting. I need to figure out how to find more people like that in my life. I need to figure out how to have less needy people in my life and more "partners" in this journey. I haven't figured it all out yet but I know what my first 2 steps are going to be.

Step 1: I am going to start surrounding myself with people/things that bring me joy.

Step 2: I am going to start removing people/things from my life that bring me sadness.


I think that a few quotes that I found earlier today will help to continue to work on the journey to a better me.

I have a lot of things to prove to myself.

One is that I can live my life fearlessly.
~Oprah Winfrey 

I just don't want to live like I used to. And at some point,
I'm going to put a gag order on myself in terms of talking about the past.
I've got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future.
~Charlie Sheen 

God has entrusted me with myself.
~Epictetus
The curious paradox is that
when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
~Carl Rogers

Pictures. Finally.

I finally got Walter to get these pictures off the camera. I knew that my wedding dress would be a bit too big but I had no idea!

weight loss no more

In the last month, I haven't lost a thing. I know life has been stressful. I know I haven't been hitting all my food goals. I might have even eaten a few too many chips. But no weight loss at all is disappointing.

I'm disappointed in myself. I've really been on Walter alot lately about getting healthier and here I am failing miserably at it myself. I'd like to say that it will get better this week but honestly I am stressed to the max and I know I just need a break from the protein counting, water counting, vitamin taking insanity tor just a little bit.

Next week, I'll get back on the wagon. This week, I'll settle for no weight gain.

Oh, I took some new pics awhile back but I can't seem to get Walter to get them off his camera for me. So, please, blame him tor the over due update. ;)

Appendix

Well, some of you may know this already but I am now without my appendix. While trying to vacation a few weeks ago, I was forced to go to the ER with major pain on the right side of my lower abdomen. A full day of waiting for a doctor and then test results, followed by a middle of the night surgery, cured me of the pain only to leave me stuck eating terrible hospital food and wishing I was still on vacation.

I also celebrated my 30th birthday a week ago. I had a really great time but I find myself getting more and more upset every day. Major birthdays have a way of reminding people of all the things they always planned on doing but never did. I find myself longing for children in an obsessive manner. I find myself disappointed that I can't control this overwhelming need to be a mother. Mother's day is fast approaching and its just another reminder of all I will never be. There have been many wants in my life that have come and gone but this one won't quit. I can't seem to let it go or even beat it off with a stick. I think my husband will probably kill me if I say the word "baby" ever again.

I try to remind myself of all the children I have helped to raise. My niece and my nephews and even my ex's son. I have helped to take care of so many babies. You'd think I would have gotten enough over the last 14 years but honestly I think it makes it worse to have experienced such joy in taking care of little ones and then to have to stop. I will never understand how any mother could ever give up her child. Maybe this loss in my life has made me want children even more. I dunno. I just know that I feel like I am going to go crazy if I never get to be a mother and I know I am driving my husband nuts.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
– Joseph Campbell


I know this to be true and yet I still can't let go. Each and every day I will repeat this to myself.  It will be my mantra. Tonight I will print this out, and paste it up in several places in my home and car so that I can never forget it. It will be my goal to learn to live this quote.

The passing of time...

I had written this long blog about how difficult this past week or two has been for me but as I tried to read it (as I always do before publishing) I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing. I decided that if I didn't want to read it, then no one else would either.

So, instead, I am going to try to shorten it to a "Top" 7...

1. My Aunt Christina passed away on Thursday.

2. Walter's Aunt is in the hospital, again.

3. Walter had to have another sleep study.

4. My new medicine is now giving me terrible headaches and chronic trouble sleeping. Its also making my sinuses inflamed and my mouth dry.

5. My Bariatric Surgeon thinks I am not losing weight fast enough so every time I get on the scale I feel guilty if the number isn't changing.

6. I am struggling to get all my homework done because life is hectic and my new meds also make it difficult to concentrate.

7. I am very worried about my  husband's upcoming surgery. I wish he let me go to his appointments with him so I would know more about what they are doing.


On my continued quest to find the good in things, the following Top 7 is to help me to try and forget the previous "Top" 7 .

1. My Aunt has been sick and in pain for months now and she no longer has to suffer.

2. They are sending Walter's Aunt to Portland where she can get the best care!

3. Walter sees the doctor soon to see what they can do to help him sleep better and help him get better results with his Bi-Pap machine.

4. My new meds hardly ever make me dizzy or nauseas anymore.

5. Despite a week of being too busy to exercise, I lost 5 pounds anyway.

6. I only have 8 weeks left of college and one of those weeks is vacation!

7. My husband should be able to hear better after the surgery, no more using the "I can't hear you" excuse. :-)


So, in closing,  a quote...

"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time."
        ~Pat Schroeder



I guess, I'll stop wringing my hands for now so I can get to rolling up my sleeves...

New Medication

So, the new medication comes with a whole heap of side effects. None of them are any fun and they are really starting to get to me. I only have to take a half pill twice a week. I am trying to wait out the side effects. I have been reading on some messages boards that after a month or so that the side effects go away for some people. For others, they stay for years. My patience is definitely being tried on this one. I don't get more blood tests until the first week in April so I am just hoping that its working. If it is, I will figure out how to better manage the side effects.

I am going to call the doctor today though. One of the less common side effects is trouble sleeping. I have no problem falling asleep but I wake up a half dozen times in the night and sometimes I am awake for an hour or more. That can makes for a very grumpy me in the morning when I have to get out of bed. This is one side effect I hope to get rid of soon. I have never been a big fan of sleeping pills but right now I am so exhausted I can't get out of my own way and I need a full nights sleep!

On top of everything, my Iron count was low when I had my blood tests as well. So, that means I am borderline for Iron Deficiency Anemia. I have increased the number of iron supplements I am taking but it takes awhile to get enough into your system. This unfortunately leads to headaches and dizziness and being tired. So, it makes it hard to tell what symptoms are from the new medication and which are because my iron levels are too low. Sometimes it seems unbearable because the anemia and the medicine are working together to take me out.


Good news. I promise there is good news. I donated another huge bag of clothes that no longer fit!

More Good News. I took my engagement and wedding rings into the jewelry store to get the re-sized. Apparently, I wear a size 7 ring! (previous an 8.5) Sweet. I'll take that! I do have to go without them for 2 weeks but when they come back I will be able to wear them on the right finger!

Also, more good news. I tried on a bunch of new shoes yesterday in search of new sneakers and I can now wear size 8 shoes (previously a 9) and I don't need them to be wide width. It sure opened up DOZENS of options for me. YEAH!

5 more pounds

Yeah! I have lost almost 5 pounds this week! I am so excited. I really needed something to boost me up and 5 pounds in a week is great! I am especially happy because as most of you read in my last post, I only lost 5 pounds last month!

I did some more shopping yesterday. Bought a new denim skirt. I love it. Its ankle length. I have always loved long denim skirts. You can dress them up or dress them down. Until a few years ago, I always made sure to have at least one in my closet. So happy to have one! I also found out that I am a size 0x at Catherines. That means next month I won't even be able to shop there anymore! That excites me even more.

I guess next time I go shopping I will have to start hitting the "regular" people stores. Hmmm. Where do I want to shop first...

Weight Loss Plateau

So, I have only lost 5 pounds in the last month. That is incredibly frustrating. I have been able to buy clothes at a smaller size which is good. Mostly I have just been distracted by other things. The surgeon was disappointed that I hadn't lost more weight but with so much weighing on my mind right now, I can't even get motivated to exercise more.

I have been having some real difficulties with life. A bunch of really personal medical symptoms took me to the doctor's office a few weeks ago. They took some blood and tested for several things. He called me a few days later and they schedule me for an MRI, for my brain. It was one of the worst things I have ever had to do.

I don't know if any of my readers have ever had an MRI but this was bad. It took an hour and consisted of a series of 15 images taking anywhere from 2 minutes to 6 minutes each. It was loud and a few times the whole machine shook. And I was all alone. The technician who did it was pleasant and even a little funny at times but a voice over an intercom is not the same things as having someone there with you.

Over the weekend, I tried to keep myself busy and not think too hard about what the outcome would be. I went to see blueman group with my sister and some girls from the office. I spent the night with my ex's son, whom I consider my own, and we played games and went swimming and I fed him all sorts of junk food. I couldn't help but watch him and be amazed at how quickly he grew up and how much I miss being 9 years old. Life was so easy back then.

Today I couldn't do anything. I just sat in front of the tv and waited for the phone to ring. I waited all day to know what the tests said. He had already told me what he suspected the problem was but I guess part of me was still hoping he was wrong. When he called me this evening, he told me that what he suspected was indeed the problem.

I have a micro adenoma, more specifically a Prolactinoma.

The good part of this bad news is that it is still small enough that it is considered micro. That means it is less than 1cm in size and probably won't have to be removed surgically. The key word here is probably.

He sent in a prescription for some medication that is supposed to help control it. In a month, I will go have some blood work to check on my Prolactin levels. If they are still high, then he will refer me to an endocrinologist. If I start having severe headaches or notice changes in my vision, then I will have another MRI to see if it has grown.

Chances are I will have to be on medication for life to keep this under control. I can't take this medicine and be pregnant so I guess my husband wins the no kids argument.

The medication they give me will help to regulate all my hormones and in some cases helps to assit in weight loss. The reason being that when a woman's hormones are going crazy they tend to gain weight. So, once fixed, hopefully I'll lose weight even faster. I hope this happens cause I could really use something to cheer me up right now.

Finally a Picture!

So, I finally broke down and went shopping today. I was only going to buy a few bras but ended up with this whole outfit and a few other things. I just started trying things on and couldn't stop myself. Amy, the lady at Fashion Bug that helped me, had to keep bringing me smaller sizes.

I came home wearing a pair of pants that are 4 sizes smaller than the ones I was wearing when I walked into the store. I knew they were a little too big but I guess I was in denial about how much too big.

I can't remember the last time I went shopping and left the store feeling good about my purchases. Normally, I try on everything in the store that is my size and settle for a few things that don't make me want to vomit. This time, everything I liked came in my size! I am loving it.

The last time I went shopping at fashion bug, I was wearing the biggest size pants they sold. I couldn't even buy shirts at there store because the biggest size was too tight. Now I am wearing an 18/20 in pants and that sweater is only a 3x. So very exciting. A few more sizes smaller and I won't even be plus-sized anymore. I almost can't believe it. Woot!

I think I might be starting to understand why some women LOVE to shop...

9 More Pounds Till my First 100 is Gone!

Christmas went much like Thanksgiving. We saw lots of family and there was TONS of food. I was able to nibble on all sorts of things and just about everything went down smoothly. Walter and I are so incredibly blessed with such wonderful families. Everyone was extremely thoughtful and always made sure there was something at every get together for me to be able to eat. I even had a glass of wine on New Year's Eve!

Although I enjoyed every get together I especially had a great time seeing Walter's sisters, Pepe and his step-dad, Rich. We don't get to see them quite so often so they were all very surprised at my weight loss. Rich even took me to Sears and bought me a new scale because mine had been broken for almost a month.

I got some beautiful diamond earrings from my loving husband. I wear them every day. My bracelet is getting too big and I think I will put a bug in his ear that I might need a new one. With our first anniversary coming up in March, he'll have the perfect excuse to buy me something fabulous. :-) My watch is getting too big again but I'm going to hold out for a bit before getting another link removed. My wedding rings are almost too big for my middle finger. I get nervous when my hands get cold because sometimes they just slip right off. I might have to put them on a necklace for awhile or something. I dunno. I'll have to think on that for a bit.

I tried on some more old clothes last week. I found a sweat shirt that I got when I was in the 8th grade. The last time I wore it was when I was a junior in High School. I have kept it all this time as a reminder of those times but I actually fit into it. Its a little too snug for my comfort level but I am sure I will be wearing it in no time.

I had set aside a stack of pants that were too tight 2 months ago. I forgot all about them. When I tried them on last week, they were all too big. I guess I missed my window of opportunity to wear those. I added them to my growing stack of clothes for donation.

I started throwing out bras today. Two went right into the trash. I have a few more that I suspect will join them in the next day or two, when I get a chance to try them on. I guess this week, I'll need to go shopping. I have been making due with just three pairs of pants but I can't go without bras. LOL.

I have tried posting new pictures several times this week but it keeps giving me problems. I will continue to work on it this week. I know someone of you have seen me recently because of the holidays but I know some old friends of mine haven't seen me in a very long time.

I got a Wii for Christmas and I have been working out with my Biggest Loser game. School starts back up next week and things are going to be crazy busy but I have made a promise to myself to keep doing it at least 3 days a week no matter how busy I get. I think that I should be able to do it. I'll keep you all posted!

Well, I need to get to bed. I have work tomorrow and I need to be there earlier than usual. I hope every one's holidays went well and that the New Year is as good to everyone as its been to me so far!