Deep Regret

Regret of neglected opportunity
is the worst hell that a living soul can inhabit.

~ RAFAEL SABATINI, Scaramouche

Regret is such a small word yet its weight is great. It climbs onto ones back and begins to break it. Regret is the death of hope and opportunity. Regret is what settles in to take over our hearts and minds while we wait for something to change.
 
Today I have many regrets and its seems like the list grows longer every year. How can I break this cycle of pain? How can I start letting go? How can I start living?
 
Every year as my birthday approaches, I begin to feel weight of regret increasing. This year it seems as though the regrets won't leave. They continue to pile up and weigh me down. It feels as though every pound of weight I lose, another pound of regret climbs on. My heart feels heavy with sadness and my back aches under the weight of it all.
 
Today, we buried the only man who ever wanted to be my Dad. I can't seem to keep the regrets at bay. They are becoming so overwhelming and I just want to be free of them. Not for my relationship with him but for the ones that will never be.
 
It seems as though my overwhelming obsession with children truly has tainted every millimeter of my brain and effects every thought I have. Even as I grieve for the loss of my father, I can't help but grieve for loss of the opportunity to be a parent. I will never get to take the experiences I had with him and pass them onto my children. I will never get the opportunity to be a mother or see my loving husband be a father.
 
I stumbled upon a blog post today written by a woman that never got to have children. Her story is a bit different than mine but her pain is the same. There were many comments on this post that really helped me to feel less alone, even if it did only last for a few minutes.
 
Another one of her blog posts is somewhat amusing although a bit sad when you know that some day it will happen to you.
 
I just need to keep myself crazy insane busy all the time so that I don't have a millisecond to think about it. Great. Sounds fun. WHATEVER!
 
I give up. I give up on me. I give up on life. F the world.