Alone in My World

I always knew that this journey would be difficult. I just never realized how difficult it would be. I didn't realize that it would leave me feeling so very alone in this world. I always knew I was a comfort eater. I knew that would mean that I would have nothing to turn to when my emotions were running wild. I just never realized how hard it would be to be alone in my world with nothing.

I thought it would be ok that Walter and I chose different paths to get us to healthier versions of ourselves. I am not sure if I was just being niave or if I was lying to myself but either way, this just isn't working. He gets to pick and chose when he wants to be healthy and I spend every day essentially dying of starvation even though I never feel hunger. I knew that he would be able to eat things I never would and I thought I'd be ok with that too but I can't handle it. I can't seem to handle anything anymore.

I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I want to lay my head down to sleep tonight and never see another sun rise. I want to close my eyes and never open them to a new day of hell on earth. I don't know if there is a God or not. I don't know if there is a heaven or a hell. All I know is, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to take another breathe. I don't want to swallow another sip of milk. I don't want to throw up anymore. I don't want to think anymore. I just want it all to end. I wish I were more like a dolphin. Dolphins are conscience breathers. They have to think to take each and every breathe. This also means that they can just chose not to breathe any longer. They can just decide that there are more bad days than good days and just chose to not live in misery any longer.

I have never needed someone so much as I need someone now and it feels like the more I need my husband the less he wants to be there. He checks out of our life and checks into a video game or tv show.