I haven't written several weeks because there really hasn't been anything worth posting about. Last week I finally met with the surgeon. He told me that its too early to run any tests to see if I need an adjustment to my surgery. He gave me 2 prescriptions. One was for Robinul. The list of side effects is terrible. I experienced a good number of them: drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, mild weakness, headaches, trouble falling asleep and trouble staying asleep, as well as, basic dryness over my whole body. It keeps you from sweating or reduces sweating and makes your skin and hair dry. It even made my nasal passages dry. The thing is, it actually helped me to eat. I ate 3 small meals a day for 3 days in a row. It was good until it was really bad. I got to the point where my head hurt so bad I couldn't imagine eating. I felt sick to my stomach my head hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep and Tylenol only worked for 30-45 minutes and I couldn't have anymore for hours. I am not sure if the medicine gave me the headache or kept me from sleeping or both. I did some reading online and for some people the side effects went away after a few days and with other people they persisted. After a week, I decided that I'd rather not eat then to have my head hurt so much. I stopped taking it and it took me 2 more days for the symptoms to go away.
Today is the first day I have been completely symptom free and feeling good. I keep contemplating trying the other medication but it has a list of similar side effects. Plus, the other one is a liquid and probably tastes like crap. It smells weird. I can't even remember what its called and I am too tired to go to the other room to read the label.
The first day I took the meds, I was so happy to be able to eat and to have things go down so easily. It felt so good to be able to eat and not hurt or feel sick. It made me feel like things were finally going to be better for me. It made me have a little hope that maybe this wasn't how the rest of my life was going to be. I think its harder now than it was before because I had a glimpse of what life is supposed to be like.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Alone in My World
I always knew that this journey would be difficult. I just never realized how difficult it would be. I didn't realize that it would leave me feeling so very alone in this world. I always knew I was a comfort eater. I knew that would mean that I would have nothing to turn to when my emotions were running wild. I just never realized how hard it would be to be alone in my world with nothing.
I thought it would be ok that Walter and I chose different paths to get us to healthier versions of ourselves. I am not sure if I was just being niave or if I was lying to myself but either way, this just isn't working. He gets to pick and chose when he wants to be healthy and I spend every day essentially dying of starvation even though I never feel hunger. I knew that he would be able to eat things I never would and I thought I'd be ok with that too but I can't handle it. I can't seem to handle anything anymore.
I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I want to lay my head down to sleep tonight and never see another sun rise. I want to close my eyes and never open them to a new day of hell on earth. I don't know if there is a God or not. I don't know if there is a heaven or a hell. All I know is, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to take another breathe. I don't want to swallow another sip of milk. I don't want to throw up anymore. I don't want to think anymore. I just want it all to end. I wish I were more like a dolphin. Dolphins are conscience breathers. They have to think to take each and every breathe. This also means that they can just chose not to breathe any longer. They can just decide that there are more bad days than good days and just chose to not live in misery any longer.
I have never needed someone so much as I need someone now and it feels like the more I need my husband the less he wants to be there. He checks out of our life and checks into a video game or tv show.
I thought it would be ok that Walter and I chose different paths to get us to healthier versions of ourselves. I am not sure if I was just being niave or if I was lying to myself but either way, this just isn't working. He gets to pick and chose when he wants to be healthy and I spend every day essentially dying of starvation even though I never feel hunger. I knew that he would be able to eat things I never would and I thought I'd be ok with that too but I can't handle it. I can't seem to handle anything anymore.
I just want to go to bed and never wake up. I want to lay my head down to sleep tonight and never see another sun rise. I want to close my eyes and never open them to a new day of hell on earth. I don't know if there is a God or not. I don't know if there is a heaven or a hell. All I know is, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to take another breathe. I don't want to swallow another sip of milk. I don't want to throw up anymore. I don't want to think anymore. I just want it all to end. I wish I were more like a dolphin. Dolphins are conscience breathers. They have to think to take each and every breathe. This also means that they can just chose not to breathe any longer. They can just decide that there are more bad days than good days and just chose to not live in misery any longer.
I have never needed someone so much as I need someone now and it feels like the more I need my husband the less he wants to be there. He checks out of our life and checks into a video game or tv show.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Giving Back
Since I started losing weight a few months ago, I have been talking with my husband about finding a way to be able to see my weight loss through other means. He suggested things like buying a pound of rice for every pound I lost or something along those lines. Then, once I hit my goal I could donated it all to a local food pantry or similar program.
I really liked the idea behind this because wasn't sure that any food pantry would want a few hundred pounds of rice. I am sure they wouldn't say "no" but I am sure that a larger variety of food items would be better.
Recently my mother started working at the Waterville Homeless Shelter. I talked with her about what I wanted to do. She helped me to come up with a list of items that may be useful to them. In conjunction with the Waterville Homeless Action Committee and other community agencies, many families are moved into apartments on a regular basis. Most of them have a hard time when they first move out. Things that we use on a regular basis have to be purchased. Items such as towels, wash cloths, brooms, mops, other cleaning supplies, paper towels and even toilet paper. The list goes on and on and the need is great.
With all this information in mind, I have decided to make 2 types of donations. One for food items and one for non-food items. For every pound I lose, I will purchase 1 non-food item and spend $1 on food items. Because I recently hit the half way mark on my first goal, I also made my first shopping trip. I went to Sam's club and purchased paper towels, toilet paper, macaroni & cheese, spaghetti and sauce, and other assorted food items that keep for a long time. My first donation will be dropped off on Sunday.
With the economy the way it is, things are especially difficult for many families. Not just people at homeless shelters. Many people go hungry on a regular basis. I recently received information from the Feeding America program that caught my eye. Libby's is doing a virtual food drive.
Every $5 you give provides 35 meals for hungry families. And every dollar raised will be matched by Libby’s, up to $40,000! Where else can you get a deal like that?
Plus, you don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home. Just go to my donation page and make a donation. Also, please feel free to send the link to my page to everyone you know. If we raise $1500, then I get a year's supply of canned vegetables that I plan on giving directly to the Waterville Homeless shelter.
I feel like giving back in this way is really going to give me a sense of purpose. With all the unfortunate problems I have been having through my weight loss process, I am really looking forward to getting something good out of it.
Thank you to everyone that supports me emotionally and thank you in advance to anyone that is able to give to this great cause.
I really liked the idea behind this because wasn't sure that any food pantry would want a few hundred pounds of rice. I am sure they wouldn't say "no" but I am sure that a larger variety of food items would be better.
Recently my mother started working at the Waterville Homeless Shelter. I talked with her about what I wanted to do. She helped me to come up with a list of items that may be useful to them. In conjunction with the Waterville Homeless Action Committee and other community agencies, many families are moved into apartments on a regular basis. Most of them have a hard time when they first move out. Things that we use on a regular basis have to be purchased. Items such as towels, wash cloths, brooms, mops, other cleaning supplies, paper towels and even toilet paper. The list goes on and on and the need is great.
With all this information in mind, I have decided to make 2 types of donations. One for food items and one for non-food items. For every pound I lose, I will purchase 1 non-food item and spend $1 on food items. Because I recently hit the half way mark on my first goal, I also made my first shopping trip. I went to Sam's club and purchased paper towels, toilet paper, macaroni & cheese, spaghetti and sauce, and other assorted food items that keep for a long time. My first donation will be dropped off on Sunday.
With the economy the way it is, things are especially difficult for many families. Not just people at homeless shelters. Many people go hungry on a regular basis. I recently received information from the Feeding America program that caught my eye. Libby's is doing a virtual food drive.
Every $5 you give provides 35 meals for hungry families. And every dollar raised will be matched by Libby’s, up to $40,000! Where else can you get a deal like that?
Plus, you don't even have to leave the comfort of your own home. Just go to my donation page and make a donation. Also, please feel free to send the link to my page to everyone you know. If we raise $1500, then I get a year's supply of canned vegetables that I plan on giving directly to the Waterville Homeless shelter.
I feel like giving back in this way is really going to give me a sense of purpose. With all the unfortunate problems I have been having through my weight loss process, I am really looking forward to getting something good out of it.
Thank you to everyone that supports me emotionally and thank you in advance to anyone that is able to give to this great cause.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Fall is Here...
Although things have been really hard for me since surgery, I haven't really had any pain. I stopped using the morphine 24 hours after surgery and never used any pain medication at home. I have been very thankful for that because I know that my sister's mother-in-law had a lot of pain after her surgery.
Last night, I woke up at about 2:30am. I had a pain so bad I woke up crying. I have never felt anything so bad in my life. I curled up in a fetal position and just cried. My husband woke up and asked me if I was OK. I told him that it hurt and he asked where. I could really explain it so I poked him where it hurt. My lower right abdomen. At first I was very scared and just wanted him to hold my hand. Then, as we tried to talk about it I began to realize that this could be pretty major. This should have made me even more scared but instead it somehow cleared my head and I realized we just had to do something about it.
I guess my husband was thinking the same thing because he said we should go to the ER. He helped me get dressed, down the 2 flights of stairs and up into the truck. The ride was excruciating. Plus, it was so cold out that I began to shiver and the shaking hurt even more. We arrived at the ER just before 4am.
I talked to a triage nurse. I talked to a Physcian's Assistant that was there doing an observation and then I talked to the doctor. They thought maybe I had appendicitis. The symptoms fit. I peed in a cup and they took blood. They gave me an IV and then we just waited.
My blood pressure was up. My pulse was up. My white count was elevated and there was a small amount of blood in my urine. Great. Now it could be appendicitis or kidney stones.
I had several X-rays. They gave me a chest x-ray and an abdominal x-ray. Then they decided I needed a ct scan. To have the CT scan, I needed to drink some contrast material. The nurse said I had an hour to drink 1 liter of fluid. They flavored it with orange crystal lite. I had to remind her that with gastric bypass I would not be able to drink that much fluid. She said to do my best. She also brought me a straw, which I can't use but I didn't tell her that. I drank 2 of the 3 cups that she gave me. By the time I was getting to the bottom of the second one my stomach was starting to feel really nauseated. About this time, the technician came to take me to have the scan so I didn't have to drink the 3rd cup.
When all was said and done, at around 8am. They sent me home with instructions to rest and call my surgeon to make sure that the pain wasn't related to the gastric bypass. In other words, they have no idea what my problem is. The pain is now bearable but still uncomfortable, especially when I walk.
I called the surgeon's office and he's not in the office this week or next. The nurse called me back this afternoon to talk about my symptoms so she could determine whether there was any sort of emergency that needed to be address by the surgeon on call. She told me that although my problems aren't common, she has seen a handful of patients that have alot of the same problems I have. She moved my appointment to see the surgeon up as far as she could but that is still 2 weeks away.
Its frustrating for me to keep hearing that things will get better and to just have a little more patience while my body heals. I give up. Really. I mean, what's the point. I just need to resign myself to that fact that I am going to feel like crap for the rest of my life and if it turns out differently then "bonus."
__________________________
Side Note: The following has nothing to do with my gastric bypass. Its just a little something about me.
My husband and I met 3 years ago this month. It seems like it has been so much longer. I mean this in a good way. I hardly remember what life was like before I met him. I know that things have been just wonderful since we met. We've hardly been apart for the past 3 years. I can't think of a single day since I met Walter that we haven't talk to each other on the phone or in person.
In the beginning, we talked for 3-4 hours on the phone. Many nights I would have to force him to hang up because he was falling asleep while we were talking. He'd say some random thing that had nothing to do with the conversation and it would get me giggling. Till this day, he still denies falling asleep while we talk but most nights he falls asleep while I am still gabbing away. :-)
Last night, I woke up at about 2:30am. I had a pain so bad I woke up crying. I have never felt anything so bad in my life. I curled up in a fetal position and just cried. My husband woke up and asked me if I was OK. I told him that it hurt and he asked where. I could really explain it so I poked him where it hurt. My lower right abdomen. At first I was very scared and just wanted him to hold my hand. Then, as we tried to talk about it I began to realize that this could be pretty major. This should have made me even more scared but instead it somehow cleared my head and I realized we just had to do something about it.
I guess my husband was thinking the same thing because he said we should go to the ER. He helped me get dressed, down the 2 flights of stairs and up into the truck. The ride was excruciating. Plus, it was so cold out that I began to shiver and the shaking hurt even more. We arrived at the ER just before 4am.
I talked to a triage nurse. I talked to a Physcian's Assistant that was there doing an observation and then I talked to the doctor. They thought maybe I had appendicitis. The symptoms fit. I peed in a cup and they took blood. They gave me an IV and then we just waited.
My blood pressure was up. My pulse was up. My white count was elevated and there was a small amount of blood in my urine. Great. Now it could be appendicitis or kidney stones.
I had several X-rays. They gave me a chest x-ray and an abdominal x-ray. Then they decided I needed a ct scan. To have the CT scan, I needed to drink some contrast material. The nurse said I had an hour to drink 1 liter of fluid. They flavored it with orange crystal lite. I had to remind her that with gastric bypass I would not be able to drink that much fluid. She said to do my best. She also brought me a straw, which I can't use but I didn't tell her that. I drank 2 of the 3 cups that she gave me. By the time I was getting to the bottom of the second one my stomach was starting to feel really nauseated. About this time, the technician came to take me to have the scan so I didn't have to drink the 3rd cup.
When all was said and done, at around 8am. They sent me home with instructions to rest and call my surgeon to make sure that the pain wasn't related to the gastric bypass. In other words, they have no idea what my problem is. The pain is now bearable but still uncomfortable, especially when I walk.
I called the surgeon's office and he's not in the office this week or next. The nurse called me back this afternoon to talk about my symptoms so she could determine whether there was any sort of emergency that needed to be address by the surgeon on call. She told me that although my problems aren't common, she has seen a handful of patients that have alot of the same problems I have. She moved my appointment to see the surgeon up as far as she could but that is still 2 weeks away.
Its frustrating for me to keep hearing that things will get better and to just have a little more patience while my body heals. I give up. Really. I mean, what's the point. I just need to resign myself to that fact that I am going to feel like crap for the rest of my life and if it turns out differently then "bonus."
__________________________
Side Note: The following has nothing to do with my gastric bypass. Its just a little something about me.
My husband and I met 3 years ago this month. It seems like it has been so much longer. I mean this in a good way. I hardly remember what life was like before I met him. I know that things have been just wonderful since we met. We've hardly been apart for the past 3 years. I can't think of a single day since I met Walter that we haven't talk to each other on the phone or in person.
In the beginning, we talked for 3-4 hours on the phone. Many nights I would have to force him to hang up because he was falling asleep while we were talking. He'd say some random thing that had nothing to do with the conversation and it would get me giggling. Till this day, he still denies falling asleep while we talk but most nights he falls asleep while I am still gabbing away. :-)
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