Time Keeps Ticking

I really appreciate all the comments that everyone made about noticing the differences in the pictures. It helps so much to hear that right now. I spend so much time alone at home that I am the only one that ever gets to see me. Plus, I see me every day so I don't really notice the differences.

I still can't seem to get very many solids to stay down so I pretty much stopped eating. Right now I am drinking 8-10 glasses of milk a day to hit my protein and liquid goals. Occasionally, I have a few crackers or a bite or two of some sort of meat but other than that its just milk.

I feel like my energy level is more even although school still exhausts me. I have started keeping down my vitamins but I am still not taking all of them every day. I'm afraid that if I take them all I won't keep them down so I am going to work more and more in over the next week or two.

Hopefully these blogs will get a bit more exciting in the next few weeks. I am hoping to be able to keep down solids eventually and when I do, I am sure my blogs will be all about the yummy things I am eating. :-)

Something Else to Think About

Finally, the numbers on the scale are moving a little better. Nothing fabulous but any movement at this point is appreciated. I finally went below 300 but I wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be. I know its because it took weeks to lose those last 4 pounds. Its hard to be excited when I feel like I have so much catching up to do for all those weeks I didn't lose anything.

I finally got my husband to get the picture off the camera. He took them almost 3 weeks ago and I am just now getting to post them. I had him take some more last night while he was at it. I figured if he had the camera out he might as well snap a few.

I am having a really hard time seeing much difference in the pictures. I am trying really hard to find any difference and be happy about it but I guess I just always thought that 43 pounds would look like so much more. I know that is because if anyone else in my life lost that much weight it would make a huge difference and with me its such a small part of me.

I officially can't wear my wedding rings on my ring finger anymore. So, I guess I'm losing weight in my hands. I started wearing them on my middle finger. It feels weird but I don't want to lose them and I don't want to go without them. My watch slides all the way around my wrist now so I guess I am losing weight there too. I just want to look in the mirror and see a difference without having to compare pictures and measure every body part looking for a difference.

Note to Body: I know that we're losing weight all over but I would be much happier if you would just shed the pounds in my mid section. That is where we will actually be able to visually see a difference and it would make us most happy. Thank you Body for listening and taking my request into consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Anyway, I truly am happy to see the numbers change on the scale. I just can't help but wish for more. My expectations of the weight loss after surgery were just too high. I expected to be in some of my old clothes by now. Instead, I'm still living in sweat pants and t-shirts. Ugh. I have no choice but to keep trudging along, trying to hit protein goals and trying hard not to throw up every solid that I put into my body. It feels like a losing battle right now but it has to get better. It just has to.

Counting Down

Its been 10 days since I posted last and I figured it was time to write again. I really don't have much to post. I am still struggling with keeping things down. I have talked with the nutritionist at the bariatric center a few times and we've decided that the stress of trying to force food down is only making the problem worse. Stress and anxiety can cause my stomach to restrict and therefore it doesn't have room to fit any food. So, we decreased my protein goal in hopes that if I start reaching it regularly that maybe I can relax and get more in.

Over the last week I have hit my new protein goal 3 times. I think that is more than I have hit the goal since I had the surgery. It makes me feel like maybe things will get a little better. Right now I am drinking a lot of milk and that helps with both protein and liquids. I have also been getting in 1 or 2 "meals" of protein solids a day so things are going well.

Schools days are always too tough to get food in but I drink as much milk as I can and get a bunch of other liquids in throughout the day. This week I am going to try and get a "meal" in when I get home and see how that goes. Usually I just do all liquids on school days but I can't hit my goals like that. I'll give it a try and see how it goes.

The number on the scale still isn't moving like it needs to. I have only lost 2 pounds in the last 10 days. Still haven't hit my first big weight goal. Frustrating is not a big enough word to describe how I feel about that. The nutritionist says its because I am not getting enough calories. My body still thinks its starving to death and won't let go of anything. She recommended Sugar-Free Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. She thought that the added vitamins and calories would help jump start my weight loss but even just a few sips into a cup and I felt sick. The texture and taste wasn't good and apparently my stomach didn't like it either.

This week I got vitamins down a few times and hopefully this week i will be able to at least be able to get my multivitamin down and keep it down every day. I am not as worried about my calcium right now because of the large quantity of milk I am drinking right now. I gave myself my vitamin b shot today so I don't have to worry about that again for a month.

Well, I need to get back to homework. I have a bunch and I have school tomorrow.

No Progress

I really don't have much to share because nothing seems to be happening. No weight loss for over a week and things don't seem to be getting much easier with eating. I haven't been throwing up as much but it hurts to get things down. No matter how slow I eat or how long I chew before swallowing, I can't seem to be able to eat more than one bite without having a very uncomfortable, heavy ache in my chest. Its like the food is backing up in my stomach and my esophagus. I just keep swallowing and swallowing and taking deep breathes and hoping that it won't come up. It doesn't but I know I would feel better if it did.

Its very frustrating to have my entire world revolving around food even though I really can't eat anything. Its even more frustrating to feel like I am working so hard to do this right and I am still not losing any weight.

I thought that I didn't really have any specific goals in mind for the short term. Over the last week, I have realized that I did, at least in the back on my mind I did. I haven't weighed less than 300 pounds in at least 6 years and maybe more. I can't remember exactly when I crossed that line. Every time I have gotten on the scale this past week, I have been longing to see the numbers go down. As I thought more and more about why I am getting so upset about the number going down, I realize that seeing the number go below 300 was what I really wanted to see. I am so close and yet it seems so far away.

I have been doing a lot of reading about how other people have dealt with these plateaus and the common theme I keep seeing is that I need to eat more. My body has begun to realize that I am slowly starving to death and its trying so hard to hold onto anything it can. Its doing exactly what it is supposed to do in this situation. Its trying to keep me alive.

I can only do what I have been doing and hope that things get better soon. I need to keep trying to eat more and more protein and to start getting my vitamins to stay down. I decided that tomorrow I WILL get 80g of protein into me even if I have to eat things that taste VERY VERY bad and make me want to be sick before I even swallow them. I can't keep being miserable and also not lose weight. If I am going to be miserable, I AM going to keep losing weight. I am not sure I will be able to do this everyday but I am going to keep trying every day until I am able to do it consistently. I have to do this because sometime in the next 4-6 weeks I am going to start losing my hair and how much I lose and how long it takes to grow back is going to depend on how long I continue to be malnourished.