Well, some of you may know this already but I am now without my appendix. While trying to vacation a few weeks ago, I was forced to go to the ER with major pain on the right side of my lower abdomen. A full day of waiting for a doctor and then test results, followed by a middle of the night surgery, cured me of the pain only to leave me stuck eating terrible hospital food and wishing I was still on vacation.
I also celebrated my 30th birthday a week ago. I had a really great time but I find myself getting more and more upset every day. Major birthdays have a way of reminding people of all the things they always planned on doing but never did. I find myself longing for children in an obsessive manner. I find myself disappointed that I can't control this overwhelming need to be a mother. Mother's day is fast approaching and its just another reminder of all I will never be. There have been many wants in my life that have come and gone but this one won't quit. I can't seem to let it go or even beat it off with a stick. I think my husband will probably kill me if I say the word "baby" ever again.
I try to remind myself of all the children I have helped to raise. My niece and my nephews and even my ex's son. I have helped to take care of so many babies. You'd think I would have gotten enough over the last 14 years but honestly I think it makes it worse to have experienced such joy in taking care of little ones and then to have to stop. I will never understand how any mother could ever give up her child. Maybe this loss in my life has made me want children even more. I dunno. I just know that I feel like I am going to go crazy if I never get to be a mother and I know I am driving my husband nuts.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
– Joseph Campbell
I know this to be true and yet I still can't let go. Each and every day I will repeat this to myself. It will be my mantra. Tonight I will print this out, and paste it up in several places in my home and car so that I can never forget it. It will be my goal to learn to live this quote.
I know what you mean. It sucks. I'm at that point in my life too. Seeing commercials with babies or all my friend's ultrasound pictures on facebook makes me want to curl up in a ball. Even seeing a pregnant woman makes me feel insignificant and for some odd reason I hate pregnant women- just seeing one makes me angry (which I know is jealousy)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're at this point in your life. Perhaps it won't always be the way for you. I know I have a light at the end of the tunnel (after Alaska) but it must be particularly hard for you and I can't imagine what that must feel like. If I didn't have concrete plans I would probably go insane. If you need anything, even just to talk, let me know.
It may not mean as much coming from someone with 2 children but I know where you are, and I have been there. the pain of knowing you can't have the one thing you want most in the world. I spent years hating people who could have children, and I spent years after Xander was born very depressed that I couldn't have any more. finally after about 5 years I accepted where i was and what I had and made peace and moved on. It wasn't long after that that Sarah decided to grace us with her presence so in the end my story took a different turn than I expected, but believe me I know how you feel
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