Brand New Year

The title of this blog has not kept me from posting but it certainly has not been encouraging me. When I began this blog I was in a place where I really needed to let go of parts of myself. I needed to shed hundreds of pounds. I needed to quit some bad habits. I needed to let go of the past. I'm still working on many of those same things.

Now I am in a different place in my life. Some where along the line, "letting myself go" became putting myself last. Not making my needs a priority has led me to a place that is not just unpleasant but incredibly painful. This will be my last real post on this blog. I am going to start a new blog. It will have a benw purpose. The title will encourage me to post regularly. In turn, acquiring content will drive me toward the life I have always envisioned but been to afraid to pursue.

Once I've decided on title and have created my first post, I will post a link here so that my followers can have opportunity to read about my new adventures.

Not so Happy Halloween

Halloween is a day that so many celebrate with costumes and candy. I know that when Wally gets older, I will need to embrace this holiday. But today, I  am still mourning the loss of my first baby. Benjamin would have been born one year ago today, had he come on his due date. I feel so incredibly blessed every time I look at Wally but I'll never stop hurting over the loss of my first 2 babies.

I wasn't able to take the day off from work today and I have a doctor's appointment this morning. So, this morning I am taking the time to think of my Benjamin and mourn the loss of all the dreams I had for him. I will  never forget how it all happened. Everything from how we found out we were pregnant to when we found out we were losing him.For now, I am embracing the good parts of that journey. Although, he wasn't "planned" he was a joyous surprise for me.

Benjamin Peace Watts, thank you for coming to me when I needed you the most. Thank you for opening your father's eyes to see that having a baby was something he wanted to.

Wally, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being such an amazing little baby. Thank you for showing me that I could indeed have a baby; I am not quite a broken as I thought. I cannot wait to see you each and every day. You amaze me more and more!

Dr Fabulous, thank you for helping me to realize that the world wasn't over because Benjamin didn't come into it. Thank you for being an amazing doctor and a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for sticking with me through it all and pushing me to just keep moving forward.

Walter, My husband, My best Friend. You have given me the gift of a child, not once, but 3 times. I will forever love each and ever one of them as I will always love you. Thank you for holding me when I cried for our loss. Thank you for being patient when I needed more time to cry. Thank you for putting up with me for the last 18 months as we road this roller coaster together.

Wally's Birth Story

I've tried to write Wally's birth story a few different times but every time I do, I get overwhelmed with emotion and can't seem to get anything reasonable out. Mostly, what I remember from the morning before he was born, was a lot of worry and anxiety. Several times after we arrived at the hospital, the staff came in a told us that our surgery time might be pushed back due to emergencies. It turned out that we didn't get bumped, we were just about right on time.

I decided that the best way to tell this story is with pictures. So, here goes.

We arrived at 10am and by 10:30, I was all hooked up to the monitors and had an IV. The count down to surgery time was on.

My sister, Amanda, came from Vermont to be here with us. I was completely surprised. I had no idea she was coming. I had even talked with her that morning before leaving for the hospital and she never said a thing.

Walter had to dress up in scrubs to come in the operating room with me.

We weren't allowed to take pictures in the operating room, so this is the first picture of Wally. While I was still in the recovery room, Walter was the only one that got to hold Baby Wally.

In the operating room, this cute little screaming face was the only one I remember. He cried just about the entire time and I loved every minute of it!

He absolutely loved being on the warming table.

 I have to admit, I was a bit stoned at this point. Apparently, IV pain medications are very good at blocking everything and not just the pain.

  

This is why I needed IV pain medication. 13 staples on the outside. I never bothered to ask if they count the stitches on the inside.

 

This was the second best moment of my day. The first was when Dr Fabulous held Wally up over the surgical drapes so I could see him. It was only a few seconds and he was upside down and screaming, but it still makes me tear up when I remember it.

Labor And Delivery

Its official. I made my first trip to the Women and Infants Health Care Unit last night. My blood pressure and the swelling in my feet and legs has been creeping up for all long week but over the weekend my left foot ballooned to elephant sized. Couple that with hot flashes, heart palpitations, and a headache that just won't quit and Walter and I decided we should go.

Our nurse was fabulous. She explained everything as we went along. She told us what she was doing and why. She told me what the next possible steps were each time she left the room to check on labs or talk with the doctor. I always knew what to expect and that it huge for me. Not knowing is just too scary. I was able to stay relatively relaxed and my anxiety was minimal.

Walter rubbed my swollen, aching feet off and on and didnt even complain about missing the season premier of Dexter. He joked with the nurse and asked good questions too. He was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better partner!

They hooked me up to monitors. One for baby's heartbeat and one for my contractions. Baby Wally's heartbeat was a little high but still within the normal range. And I learned that I've been having more contractions than I thought. Some are much more uncomfortable than others and I wasn't counting them all. I was blaming some off them on Baby Wally stretching out and moving around, when in actuality they were contractions. So, for a few hours last night my contractions were 7 minutes apart. Not sure how long they were like that before we went to the hospital but when we left, they had slowed to over10 minutes apart.

According to their scale, I've gained 12 pounds in the 2 weeks since my last doctor's appointment. No wonder my legs and feet are swelling. That's a lot of fluid and it has to live somewhere.

After a bag of IV fluid, Baby Wally's heartbeat slowed and his activity level rose. He was moving around like a crazy baby, making his heart monitor make all sorts of noises by kicking it and rolling away from it. It was like heaven. He hasn't been active like that for so long.

My blood work came back great. No signs of pre-eclampsia, which is what they were concerned about. A cervix check showed that even though I'm having lots of contractions, they aren't making any changes to my body at this point. Everything is still locked up like Fort Knoxville, which is great because they like for babies to cook a little longer than 36 weeks.

The doctor decided that all my symptoms were either normal pregnancy stuff or caused by dehydration. I have been drinking fluids like a crazy lady and running to the bathroom to pee every 30 minutes when awake and every hour in the night. How can I be dehydrated? Well, I still have no idea but as long as Baby Wally is doing fine, then I'll figure out how to drink even more fluids. Its obvious now that we both need it.

We got home at just about 1 am. The IV fluids they gave me decided to start vacating in large quantities at around 3 am. Between that and the contractions, I feel like I got no real sleep.

At about 8am, I got up and had something to eat and 16oz of water. By 10am, I headed back to bed. At noon, I woke up and felt like I got a little rest. I think the contractions finally stopped because I haven't had one since I woke up. Yeah! At 1pm, it was time for lunch and to suck down some more water.

Not a lot to do today do I guess the plan is, drink, eat, drink, sleep, drink, eat, drink, sleep. There will also be lots of peeing and hopefully no more contractions.

As anxious as I am to meet my little man, I'm glad he's staying put a little longer. I want to make sure he's healthy as can be when he comes into this world and another few weeks will just help him get ready.

Dr Fabulous is currently on vacation so we'll see what he has to say about all this when he comes back. Next appointment is Friday morning.

Another Baby Update

34 Weeks 4 Days

1. The scale was not kind to me. We ARE NOT talking about what it said. 
2. Blood pressure is good.
3. My belly is measuring right on.
4. Baby's heart beat sounds good.
5. My hands, feet and legs have been swelling. Finally broke down and bought a pair of shoes today. All my other ones barely fit if I squeeze into them first thing. If I'm up a few hours before putting on shoes then none of them fit.
6. Next appointment is July 5th.
7. Still napping every day.
8. The nursery is just about done. We are just waiting on the arrival of the rocker glider.
9. We have had 3 baby showers! It just keeps amazing me how generous our friends, families and coworkers are! We only have a few small things that still need to be purchased.
10. Baby Wally is still moving around like crazy most days. Its starting to get really uncomfortable when he moves because he's running out of room in there. Its still really comforting to feel him move though. Only a few more weeks till he's in my arms. 

The only not so good news I have today is that Baby Wally might have to be born via cesarean section, which was not the original plan. Dr Fabulous, Walter and I discussed our concerns over what seems to be the growing need for this procedure. We still haven't made a decision. We are all going to do some more research on some of the things that are causing problems and discuss them at my next appointment. There is is still a chance I can have him naturally but it's a decision we'll all make together at my next appointment. I know some of you are wondering why and normally I'm pretty open about everything, but some things are just to personal to share. I know that we all just want what is best for Baby Wally and I promise this is not a decision that any of us is taking lightly.

All that aside, I am getting so excited to be able to share Baby Wally with all of you. On the other hand, I know I am going to miss being able to have him all to myself 24 hours a day!

Baby Wally Update

I had an ultrasound today. Totally unplanned and very unexpected but Dr Fabulous finally decided that we should check on things. I am pretty sure he did it mostly to get me to relax and less for what might be considered medical necessity but I'll take it.

Unfortunately, Baby Wally didn't cooperate for any pictures. He's still playing shy with his hands in front of his face but at least I got a little update.

1. His is definitely still a boy. :-)
2. He currently weighs  4.5 pounds, which is perfect.
3. His head is measuring a few days ahead but totally within normal range.
4. His heartbeat was 150 beats per minute, which is also perfect.
5. He kept kicking at the ultrasound wand (which I hear means great brain development already!)
6. His kidneys and stomach looked good.
7. His bladder was full (and so was mine!).
8. His heart looked great.
9. His leg bones measured right on for his age.

He moved the whole time. Just wouldn't stop squirming around. He also had the hiccups for a few minutes and I could see his little belly moving each time hiccuped. It was so cute. He is definitely persistent though because no matter how much moving around he did, he kept both arms/hands in front of his face. I guess he is going to make us wait till he's born to know what he looks like.

9 week and 3 days to go...

Baby Wally Update

30 weeks 4 days

1. Went to the doctor's today. Up another 11 pounds. Officially blew past the 30 pound goal for maximum weight gain with this pregnancy.
2. One of my fears has come true. The new maternity clothes I bought not so very long ago will not fit me to till the end of this pregnancy. I am down to 2 pairs of pants, a few shirts and 3 dresses. Not buying new clothes. Just going to deal. If I get to the point where nothing fits, I'll just start wearing Walter's clothes.
3. Swelling in my hands and feet started last week. My shoes are pretty snug by the end of the work day. Not going to buy new ones. I'll just deal with it at work and go barefoot at home.
4. My belly is measuring 31 cm. This is technically 1cm behind for me because my belly button naturally measures 2 inches higher than average. He's not worried at this point. We'll just see how it measures at the next appointment.
5. Baby's heart beat sounds good.
6. Blood pressure was good.
7. Next appointment in 4 weeks.
8. I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions just about every day. Sometimes just a few, but most of time they last for hours. Climbing stairs or walking/standing for 1onger than 20-25 minutes seems to get them started. Sometimes they are painful but I'm very happy to say that over the last week or so they have really just been uncomfortable and not incredibly painful.
9. Driving or riding in the car has become almost unbearable. Even a 25 minute ride on Sunday had my back hurting and my tail bone screaming at me. I hope its just the way he's laying right now and that he'll move soon and it will get better.
10. Still napping every day after work and definitely on the weekends.
11. Finally got a date for when they will be installing Walter's Office carpet. May 31. He can't move out of the nursery until after that so I don't think the nursery will be done before my baby shower. But we did pick a paint color for the nursery so as soon as the room is empty that can get started.
12. Baby shower invites went out. They are so cute! A big thank you to my sister-in-law, Jessi, for making them. They are super cute! My husband has been making plans for the shower too. I don't know very many details because it will be nice to have some surprises but its exciting to know that they are doing all this for me and Baby Wally. 

Here is the most recent picture of me. I don't normally take pictures in bathroom mirrors but when I caught sight of myself in the mirror at work I couldn't help it. That belly is really huge! No wonder so many of my clothes don't fit!