I've realized that the continued not trying and basic failure do to not trying is what is tearing me apart. However, the things I want so badly in life are not things I can do alone. It takes two to make MY dream come true.
I try not to talk about it too much these days but I think of it constantly so its hard not to say something from time to time. I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy without being a mother. I wonder what kind of person I will become because of the anger and regret at being married to someone that won't fulfill that need for me. How long can a marriage last when one partner wants something that the other partner does not?
Compromise is supposed to be the healer of relationship wounds. Its supposed to end arguments.
But, how do you compromise on children? I believe that a good compromise is just one child when I truly want a dozen. I believe that agreeing not to make my partner participate in and part of raising a child he doesn't want to, is another compromise.I believe that agreeing to work so we can be afford a child, when I truly want to stay at home is another compromise.
Why are none of these compromises enough?
Why don't the things I am willing to give up weigh enough to tip the scales?
Why don't my needs and wants have enough value in our relationship to ever factor into his decision making?
Why do I stay?
Why do I sacrifice myself for his happiness?
And am I really making him happy by staying when he has to see me so miserable all the time?
I definitely have more questions than answers. I thought that time would help me to answer my questions but so far time has only created more questions. More and more people in my life are fulfilling there own dreams and I am watching my opportunity slipping through my fingers as each day passes by.
I want to hate people that get to have babies but babies are such an incredible blessing that I can't help but just be excited for them. I wish that I could just be happy to live vicariously through them but I can't. I can occasionally be happy for them but I can't be forever happy because of them. Other people's children will not fill my void. My soul contains a large void where my children should have been.
I am just a few short years away from the end of my fertile years. I have a pituitary tumor that causes problems with my hormones. I have PCOS that also causes problems with my fertility. None of this gets me down. I mean, I probably can't even have children but not even being able to try is enough to kill me. At least, I wish that it was enough to actually kill me, because I don't know how much more of this emptiness I can live with.
I can accept failure, everyone fails at something.
But I can't accept not trying.
~Michael Jordan
But I can't accept not trying.
~Michael Jordan
