Well, some of you may know this already but I am now without my appendix. While trying to vacation a few weeks ago, I was forced to go to the ER with major pain on the right side of my lower abdomen. A full day of waiting for a doctor and then test results, followed by a middle of the night surgery, cured me of the pain only to leave me stuck eating terrible hospital food and wishing I was still on vacation.
I also celebrated my 30th birthday a week ago. I had a really great time but I find myself getting more and more upset every day. Major birthdays have a way of reminding people of all the things they always planned on doing but never did. I find myself longing for children in an obsessive manner. I find myself disappointed that I can't control this overwhelming need to be a mother. Mother's day is fast approaching and its just another reminder of all I will never be. There have been many wants in my life that have come and gone but this one won't quit. I can't seem to let it go or even beat it off with a stick. I think my husband will probably kill me if I say the word "baby" ever again.
I try to remind myself of all the children I have helped to raise. My niece and my nephews and even my ex's son. I have helped to take care of so many babies. You'd think I would have gotten enough over the last 14 years but honestly I think it makes it worse to have experienced such joy in taking care of little ones and then to have to stop. I will never understand how any mother could ever give up her child. Maybe this loss in my life has made me want children even more. I dunno. I just know that I feel like I am going to go crazy if I never get to be a mother and I know I am driving my husband nuts.
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.”
– Joseph Campbell
I know this to be true and yet I still can't let go. Each and every day I will repeat this to myself. It will be my mantra. Tonight I will print this out, and paste it up in several places in my home and car so that I can never forget it. It will be my goal to learn to live this quote.
